My Bucket

Everyone starts with bucket filled with happiness.

For some, the bucket is made of glass;

Others might have a bucket of steel,

Or perhaps even a bucket of paper.

It doesn't really matter what your bucket is made of,

What matters is what happens when you endure traumatic experiences.

Trauma has many forms, but it does the same thing no matter what it is:

It damages your bucket,

Leaving holes that cause all the happiness that you started with

To drip, drip, drip away into emptiness.

Each type of trauma targets a specific region of the bucket.

Physical trauma such as abuse or sexual assault is like a gunshot-

It will puncture the bucket no matter what, causing a lot of damage.

Emotional trauma is more like a needle-

There's more nuance to it.

For a bucket of steel or glass, it just grazes the surface; you would need repeated instances to puncture the bucket.

For a bucket of paper, it easily pierces through and the happiness drains away.

Luckily, you can refill your bucket by doing the things that make you happy,

But you need to fix the damage if you want to keep it inside.

I would say that I have a bucket of glass.

I'm fortunate enough to have never experienced any physical trauma,

Unfortunate enough to have experienced a lot of emotional trauma.

Small instances do little to affect my bucket,

Especially when they are spread out across the different regions of family and relationships.

It scratches the surface, but I could've kept the happiness inside.

But there's a unique feature about glass:

When you do enough damage, it doesn't just make a hole;

First it cracks,

Then it shatters.

There's not just one instance in my life that made the biggest 'hole';

It was a series of traumatic experiences that I've gone through that built up.

Hairline fractures ran throughout my bucket,

Slowly leaking out happiness

Until my bucket couldn't take anymore and broke.

I didn't know how to fix my bucket, I couldn't even figure out where the cracks were

Or where they came from.

How could I have known when my breaking point would come?

It came about a year ago, and I've felt emptiness ever since.

There are fleeting moments of happiness, but until I repair the damage, it won't stay.

How do you fix a shattered bucket?

I've figured out that you first need to find the pieces,

Which is what I've been trying to do ever since.

But it's difficult when I can't remember what shards I'm even missing.

It's difficult when I find a piece, but then there's more emotional trauma

That breaks it down even more.

All I can do is keep searching for those pieces,

And try putting them back together.

Even then, my bucket will be more fragile,

It will still leak out happiness.

But at least I'll finally be complete again.