it's happening again;

gravity is weighing me down,

dragging me below the depths

and i don't know if i have the strength to fight back anymore.

i tried to stay strong,

tried to be resilient,

but only managed to stay apathetic.

and now even apathy is drowned by the waves of depression.

awareness of my situation only makes it worse,

the constant struggle to stay afloat

when my life keeps spiraling out of control.

trying to stay positive,

but there's nothing positive

about your parents calling 911

on your older brother,

worried that he's going to kill himself.

about having to go to work the next day,

pretending that nothing is wrong

with leaving that brother at home alone.

about stressing over if you can leave him alone over the weekend

just to celebrate your birthday

or if he's going to do something to himself.

about feeling guilty for talking to friends about the situation,

so you don't talk to anyone,

and only manage to feel worse and worse.

i'm so tired of fighting,

so tired of having to be strong.

i kind of want to die too,

but no one even knows.

i wish that i could disappear

without hurting anybody,

but that's not possible.

so i remain here,

trapped in my prison of flesh.

i'm tired

of all the little things

of all the big things

of events happening around me that are out of my control

yet still threaten to topple the foundations of the life i've built so far.

of uncertainty and anxiety

of numbness and depression

of feeling like my needs and desires don't matter

in the face of expectations from my family.

of parents venting to me,

of siblings yelling at me,

of friends not reaching out to me,

of feeling alone in this vast world.

of having to keep building myself up

when life tries so hard to push me back down.

of re-experiencing trauma

when i'm struggling to get by day to day.

of having to be empathetic to others

even though i'm the one who's hurting.

i'm tired of living,

but i need to force myself to keep going.

Being without fear:

Fearlessness or foolishness?

But to walk past fear-

To journey onwards

Though we know not the future-

Bravery, courage.

Be not without fear;

Instead, act despite the fear

Weighing upon you.

Find your own courage

Beyond the frightful unknown,

Freedom and strength merged.

It lingers in the remnants of past memories shared-

The curvature of their smile,

The sound of their laughter.

Of long nights talking over the phone,

And days hanging out together.

It exists in the desire for them to be happy-

Even though it's not with you,

Even though it hurts to know that they'll move on.

And you'll never forget how happy they made you,

Or how lonely it was when they left.

It lives on through the next person-

In the gestures that made you fall in love with them,

In the sides of them that you didn't see.

And the love is recycled by you,

To be renewed by the person that they love.

Forgotten, but not lost.

Unsteady foundations, a result of an unstable upbringing.

Yet this is the hand I've been dealt,

No complaints will change that.

So I resolutely set about forging the blueprints to a happy ending.

Heavily influenced by societal standards,

I invest into my education, into my financial status, into socials.

Believing, hoping, praying that I'm choosing the right path.

I painstakingly work up the base,

Trying to find sturdy bricks that form some semblance of stability.

A strong support system, a steady career path, a solid educational background-

All of which are difficult to cement,

Even more so given that the mortar has already been contaminated.

But without a stone establishment, even a minute tremble threatens collapse

For the threadbare outlines of the life I've built for myself.

A slight tremor disrupts the sand,

And so it crumbles.

No time to be cautious, no time to predict what lies in the future-

I charge forward blindly,

Ignoring the shaking architecture and fallen structures,

Stubbornly rebuilding what has already been destroyed.

For I am not allowed to give up, to give in

As desperately as I may want to.

And I must continue to build-

With a foundation where one misstep can topple the entire network-

As if the sand were stone.

An enchanting sight,

The beauty of the setting sun

Staining the tapestry of white clouds woven in the sky

Into vibrant shades of orange, purple, and pink.

A breath of fresh air, of new hope for a better future.

I bask in the final rays of light before night falls,

Savoring the warmth that seeps into my skin, my soul.

And as I watch the sun fade away beyond the horizon,

I'm not afraid of the night.

I'm not afraid of the stormy days to come.

Not anymore.

For now I remember:

There is more to life than rain and thunder,

Than darkness and fear.

And I am so grateful to the clouds that floated into my life,

Who reintroduced me to color and hope and warmth.

If I dig too hard,

I fear the madness that lies on the other side.

For what is beyond closed doors

Is not unknown to me;

Rather, I am intimately familiar with the shadows lurking in my mind.

I catch glimpses of them in the panes of my soul,

Darkness and depravity

Watching.

Waiting.

For as much as I know them, they too know me.

They know how I think, how I feel,

How curiosity bids me to seek out places better left untouched.

My morbid desires to destroy myself,

To disappear to the unknown, lost.

"Stay, stay with us," my friends insist.

"Don't leave us," my family demands.

I obey, a puppet to the expectations of others.

Yet still I linger on the brink,

Longing for the day where I can cut loose my strings

And detach from reality,

Never to return.

For it is surely madness that fuels such desperate yearning.

And I am terrified of opening those gates,

Of letting my demons drive me to the depths of insanity,

Where I cannot recognize right and wrong, up and down.

Where I failed to become free,

Forever a slave, even in my last moments.

Or at least, that's what I am intended to become.

I am stuck in my chrysalis,

Struggling to adjust to the drastic transformation

From larva to adult.

I've shed my skin multiple times before,

Changed myself after feasting on the experiences that each person has given me.

The sweet flavor of oak, the bitter taste of milkweed;

I devoured them all, making them a part of me.

But maybe I bit off more than I can chew,

Maybe I forced myself to grow faster than I should have.

Because now I am trapped in a shell of my own weaving,

Where danger surrounds me as the world as I knew it dissolves.

Untapped potential, I am being reconstructed into something new,

Something beautiful.

That is what I must convince myself as I rip my body to shreds,

Agonizing, searing pain penetrating through cold numbness.

Repressed memories and emotions surge beneath the dark surface,

Each one a battle to put to rest, to accept and move forward

Past the haunting traumas that try to drag me down,

To keep me stuck in this hell forever.

But I was made for more than this;

I was made to fly freely in the sky, unburdened by the weight of the world,

To dance with the currents, graceful with purpose.

These wings are not developed yet;

It'll take a lot of time and effort to push through the barrier.

But I dream of the day I'll become a butterfly,

Where the horrors of my childhood are little more than a passing nightmare,

A mirage disrupted with a flap of wings that guide me towards a brighter future.

The rain keeps falling in my world,

Though for everyone else, the day is bright and sunny.

I put on a smile, throw out a laugh;

No one the wiser about the pain behind my hazy eyes.

It builds and builds and builds

Until the dam breaks;

Rain falls and drips silently to the floor

Without a cloud in the sky.

They evaporate under the sun,

Unnoticed.

Who cares about a few drops of rain?

It seems like there is no end to the rainy days ahead,

But still I hope

For a shred of daylight

To pierce through the clouds

And wash away the tears left behind.

I am drifting again,

Floating in the back of my mind-

Lost.

I struggle to come to the surface,

But it's a losing battle-

A speck of sand

Fighting against the flow

Of the pounding waves.

It drowns me in emptiness,

And leaves me hollow.

I'm trapped in a prison of flesh and bone,

The only respite when I bleed razor red.

I want to break free,

Want to feel again.

But the tide is ignorant of my cries-

It goes on and on,

Crushing.

Suffocating.

Killing me slowly.