Jealousy

I stand up. I pull my shirt up over my head and shuffle out of my running shorts. Fully naked, I lower myself to the floor and go into the obeisance position. This is my favourite position when I need to think. When I need to focus, it stills my mind like no other. There‘s no doubt in my mind that I have screwed up tonight. I have been heartless and cruel and now I am paying the price. It’s unlike me, but my ire got the best of me. I wish I could blame it on the ginger hair, but it’s much more down to wanting to get my point across rather than being kind and considerate. I let out a heavy sigh. Stupid. Definitely stupid.

out of my running shorts. Fully naked, I lower myself to the floor and go into the obeisance position. This is my favourite position when I need to think. When I need to focus, it stills my mind like no other. There‘s no doubt in my mind that I have screwed up tonight. I have been heartless and cruel and now I am paying the price. It’s unlike me, but my ire got the best of me. I wish I could blame it on the ginger hair, but it’s much more down to wanting to get my point across rather than being kind and considerate. I let out a heavy sigh. Stupid. Definitely stupid.

I close my eyes and take some deep breaths. ‘Still’, I tell myself. ‘Serve. Wait. Still. Serve. Wait’. The mantra cycles through my mind again and again. Each time, my heart slows that little bit more, my mind eases and releases the stranglehold it has on my self chastising thoughts spiralling downward. As everything disappears into a plane of emptiness, I take a moment and bathe in the silence of my mind and soul. I stay that way for several minutes until I allow one thought at a time in.

I’m surprised at the first thought that permeates my mind. ‘ What were you thinking bringing up how you and Master split ways the first time. I recognise now it’s the pain. The statement that seemed so innocent at the time. How many times now had you heard the words that they should have married you when I had the chance. That was it. That’s what triggered the backlash. It hit home and reminded me of all the times that I wasn’t enough or I was too much. Somehow, him saying it feels so much worse. Like a stake being plunged into my neck. Forgive yourself. Apologise to him. Try to explain to him. Resoloved.’ I push the words aside and move to the next.

Jealousy shoots through me. I want to lash out, to hit and scream and just release all of that futility. I have no right to be jealous, and yet I am. It’s undeniable. She gets to have his time, his attention, his energy. I miss having his eyes on me. He’s not mine, but there is no doubt that he owns me. I couldn’t get away from that fact if I tried. He just is. She gets the privilege of his attention, and so I may not see him this evening. I feel that small little knife of jealousy turn inside my heart. She doesn’t appreciate him, my Master. She doesn’t take care of him. She doesn’t help him. She just sits with her own lethargy. Date night. I try to wish them a happy evening, but it doesn’t come out quite right. I hope he believed it. Stop! Stop being jealous. It’s ridiculous! I close my eyes tighter, and try to let it all slip out, to drain away. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I try to regain the stillness.

Instead, I beat my fists against the floor. Not only does she not appreciate him, but he is not her Master. How do you come across someone so naturally skilled in the world of BDSM and not use those expertise. It’s like deciding not to use your raincoat in the middle of a storm because you don’t want it to get wet. What a senseless waste. I close my eyes and an image of the first time we met in person. I was walking down the steps to the basement when he turned, and quick as a flash, put his fingers of one hand around my throat. ‘You are mine. Do not forget. It is up to me how and when I use you. My choice of you get to come or not. My choice if I reward or deny you. Whose are you?’

A breath, rasping sound escapes my throat, ‘Yours, Sir. I am yours.’ I lower my eyes. I hope he will accept my submission. I want him to dominate me and right now. My arousal level shoots through the roof and I want this man, my Master, to do whatever likes to me. My pulse ratchets up. In that moment, I am utterly in awe of him. He controls me. He owns me. I know it, he knows it. Power and authority roll off of him and bathe me in waves of submission. I can feel my legs getting weak. The desire to bow down to him, overwhelming. That night he used me in ways I’d only dreamed and never told anyone about. My body and mind were a quivering mess, but there he is holding me, whispering in my ear, making sure all is well as I emerged out of subspace. I have marks on my body from the whip. They cross-cross my body which I love and adore. I can still feel the burning of my ass after the Spanking I’d earned by forgetting To address him as Sir in the midst of relishing the pleasure flowing through every part of my body. Man, but I could get used to this. But she doesn’t even show an interest.

She won his attention by having their date night tonight. I’m disappointed and jealous. I shall not speak with him today other than my heartless statements earlier. Are you kidding! She turned down date night to sit at home and watch telly! Is she mad? How should that ever take prority? Yikes! what A way for them to spend their engagement anniversary.

i pop online to see how he’s doing. Not great May be the evening will prove better. I get ready to slowly raise out of the vision in my head.

’Wait! What? She doesn’t want to go out regardless of the fact that she begged him to take her out. Now his frustration level is off the chart. Doesn’t she see what she does to him? In his frustration, he will work instead of spending time with me. That knife of jealousy stabs into that same old wound. It ripped through every thing. The sadness turns into rage when I learn he won’t be seeing me tonight, as he wanted to get away From her. So, she has won twice this evening. I’m defini not amused by the whole mess. That’s twice she’s taken him away and then desires nothing of him, not even his time.

I can feel my teeth gritting as I knot my jaw in restrained emotion. shes gotten the better of me time and again. She drives a wedge. I’m so angry, I can feel the rage building. It needed to dissipate.

I close my eyes again, I unclench my teeth, I let my fists let go and fall by my side. ’Patience and serve. Patience and serve. The words roll around in my head, releasing the stress. I will find a way to fix this. Just then, I hear the doorknob rattle. He enters the room. I hear his quiet laugh. ’Now that’s a lovely way to greet your Master. He steps up behind me and starts to rub his hands all over my ass. His eyes find mine. ’This is one hell of an apology’, he chuckles .’ I lower my head further. I listen as first I hear a small clinking sound. I try to place it and then it comes to me. It’s his belt buckle. Indeed the near silent swish as the leather leaves the hoops on his trousers. He walks up behind me and shoves two fingers into me. Hard. I moan as pleasure starts to build. I can hear it before it strikes, the belt slashing against my bare ass. That will definitely leave a mark, and I am so grateful. His fingers plunge in deeper and he adds another finger. I push back against him, grinding and swish, the belt falls again.

A small but happy voice answers the sound of the leather. ‘2. Thank you, Sir’ and the night suddenly is full of possibilities.