“She makes me weak”

I keep dreaming of you.

Dreaming of the good and calming moments in life some do not notice.

We had conversations at dinner, by the beach-side, this particular day under control, blue skies moving over us, perfection was our weather. We were dressed up so nicely and laughed to our combined excitement, attention and humor. You loved me and I loved you, but we didn’t say it. We were just being us.

I caught you right ahead of the morning light, light trespassing through my window. You spoke of family and it reminded me how passionate you were and are, I loved you, in that moment it felt like years knowing each other.

I can’t recall this dream, but I recall waking up and desperate for such a dream and moment to form in our reality. What we all consider to be “real”.

You were with another man in a car and you spotted me. He knew of me and asked to confirm with you. You were angry and upset with me and did not want to look my way. Man disappeared and you fled to the restrooms and stayed there. You revealed yourself to me and you were apologetic. You weren’t upset with me anymore and we laughed during dinner. You said I’m displaying actions which are not healthy, which are usually displayed at the start of a relationship. You placed a sheet with terms and their definitions and expressed your concern. I couldn’t do anything but to agree and deem you correct but in my opinion, it did not match and I knew my actions towards you were in with different intentions. Different can be scary, different can feel similar to other things, but it’s still not. I can be a little anxious and very slightly at risk of falling mentally ill, but I cannot be that full time, I don’t want to be that full time. I want to continue being a good person, being a good person to you. We deserve to be happy in a life which includes every possible outcome, bad, very bad, exhaustion, the mildly pleasant.