I keep dreaming of you.

Dreaming of the good and calming moments in life some do not notice.

We had conversations at dinner, by the beach-side, this particular day under control, blue skies moving over us, perfection was our weather. We were dressed up so nicely and laughed to our combined excitement, attention and humor. You loved me and I loved you, but we didn’t say it. We were just being us.

I caught you right ahead of the morning light, light trespassing through my window. You spoke of family and it reminded me how passionate you were and are, I loved you, in that moment it felt like years knowing each other.

I can’t recall this dream, but I recall waking up and desperate for such a dream and moment to form in our reality. What we all consider to be “real”.

You were with another man in a car and you spotted me. He knew of me and asked to confirm with you. You were angry and upset with me and did not want to look my way. Man disappeared and you fled to the restrooms and stayed there. You revealed yourself to me and you were apologetic. You weren’t upset with me anymore and we laughed during dinner. You said I’m displaying actions which are not healthy, which are usually displayed at the start of a relationship. You placed a sheet with terms and their definitions and expressed your concern. I couldn’t do anything but to agree and deem you correct but in my opinion, it did not match and I knew my actions towards you were in with different intentions. Different can be scary, different can feel similar to other things, but it’s still not. I can be a little anxious and very slightly at risk of falling mentally ill, but I cannot be that full time, I don’t want to be that full time. I want to continue being a good person, being a good person to you. We deserve to be happy in a life which includes every possible outcome, bad, very bad, exhaustion, the mildly pleasant.

I believe in the night we met.

I believe in the glow above us.

I believe the description of creeps you pointed out and

I believed when you ran out of a cigarette to smoke outside.

I didn’t believe in the closed gas station

Or the caution tape blocking us.

I questioned the weather and whether or not it was cold.

You were cold but then again you didn’t have a jacket and denied the offer.

I thought of us walking on the street and then to the side.

I thought where we can head to next but the ending was just too convincing.

I believed we stop walking for a moment and we looked at each other and

I couldn’t believe this was real

They ripped my face

Piece by piece

I fell in love with the end result

They separated me from love

They protected me from ever falling

And I became the ceiling.

Sheltered every one of them

Their attention still made me feel forgotten

Was and still am.

Sirens in the distance. I sit against my wall, in a room with a grand piano and portraits of an unknown man. A dark blue tone in this room. I glance at each portrait but stop. I feel latency. It makes me vomit on myself.

Vomit.

To clarify, I’m not well at all. The piano plays itself, whatever song is playing, I title it. Until I can find an influence for effect. I lay on my side and fall asleep.

My house burns,

I stood outside remembering my past,

Began with goosebumps from that month in that year in those days, I remember I was so happy.

Then soundless when I remind myself why I am, who I am.

Sometimes it stings and sometimes it really doesn’t. It really shouldn’t.

I’m happy but my house is burning?

Blow me away.

If I was told to be so cold, would I be old or slightly bitter?

I hate you. I always knew all this hate would just go towards myself, and it’s true. I’ve learned not to say it though. Taught to keep it in than to let it out, I personally love that more, unless I was taught to love too. The funny thing is we don’t speak. I can’t hate you. Not anymore, there was once a barrier between us. I don’t quite see it anymore. Maybe I could say hi or how’s the weather where you are? I’ve never been good in keeping a conversation going but I do try. Just hope you would too. I don’t hate you, I will not. Hate is really a strong word now that I sink in with it. And I don’t hate myself. I’m still here obviously, being me and you’re over there being you.

.... Hi

I might be the clues in your head, the crack on your nose and above your bed.

I’ve lead a war quite like none before and to me, I’ve found my very presence when life goes up side down.

To the traumatizing experience of every morning I meet with the man named Norm. A disguise so clever,

fortunate enough for myself to have conversations with another being, and to wonder the possibility of norm reaching me.

I continue the stoned idea, dragging it closely, sweating my tears, down right to me toes. Have I been fiction?

She could never find a way,

Changing is to start again,

Darkness reasoning with her light.

She imagines.

Schemes.

Patience considered all at once yet she makes pieces out of notes and memories he wrote, you wrote. Pieces on the ground and believe her when she says she no longer needs you.

You

From then on a year shall pass and scars visibly ahead, you may spot the shade she only carries, into a cafe. She sits down, and she stares at this wall you can’t glance at,

Since you are in fact looking in.

You station yourself and breathe, begin to figure out every first to last memories you have with her. She still connected to this wall and you still seal this focus on her.

You notice you’ve been staring for quite some time at someone you gave up on, funny how things work.

She still stares at this wall with no motion, no emotion, her book has gone dry, new faces emerge as the past ones recreate other scenes.

It seems you’re in awe, in fact you are, why?

What’s so interesting about looking at a girl who is not the same person as she use to be. Someone who gave her very most to you and you who gave her your very best goodbye to end everything. Someone who knows what you don’t. Someone with no interest in meeting, just relaxed in a cafe staring at this god damn wall, and you still stare, but not stationed, but not at the point where you first began to silently reflect with her, but in the middle of the street, laid out flat. You didn’t know you were moving forward huh? I myself wonder why you were moving forward. It wasn’t as if reality was going to stop, give you guys a minute, and give you a second to explain and live happily ever after. She finally disconnects and looks over and respects you enough to stare at you, while you’re flooded in blood.

You’ve been hit by a truck.

“Hope you grasp that you’re dead now”.

She mouths those words directly at you.

Directly at him

Now you know

(Darkness)

1...............

2...............

3...............

“Small caramel macchiato!” Barista yells.“

“A small caramel macchiato!” Barista yells again.

Random stranger taps her shoulder.

“Excuse me ma’am, isn’t that your drink he’s calling?”

She turns.

“Huh, yeah, that’s mine, sorry I was just daydreaming.” She follows up says.....

“_________________”

In instances, nervous movements motions more than ideas surely figured from public.

My head fixes itself down,

custom to the responsibility of sinking and sink the grass, trees, along air for the mental collapse,

days and nights.

It hardly ever works,

struggles routes,

discovers memories,

gleans moments,

shapes itself a posture,

and a posture which governs me.

Sorrow releases out of retention of sunshine influencing me, “Everything is going to be okay”, Smiley Face.

Mystery and terror.

Horrible release,

hands clench,

searing my inside,

and swearing,

sweating,

belong to wear this awful mask, comfort nobody by my unimpressive bearing.

Here in nothing.

Hearing nothing.

Forsaken the forest,

I wait. dont hurry her

Awaiting the stories I taste nothing just starving eyes

I seen a lot of faces nothing new

Indeed the ways to a better life starts with you

Till I see away with gardens

Rather high I rather go

Suppose something there for me to find

Naming the long run I choose sobering up the attitude

be safe now I don’t wanna begin here with

Arguments

who wins?

no one is right.

Take me in well but I want to leave

Left me here to live with them but I want to leave

Leaves fall endlessly. Not all that pretty.