___ _

It feels like my entire body is stiff. I'm cold. I want to be okay. I want to cry. I can't be here. I don't want to hear any of this. But I want to see her. I don't want to run away again from something like this. I regretted it before. I know I'll regret it now. But now it's hard. Just like I thought it'd be. They're talking about death so easily. I know it's hard. It feels like weight in my chest. My eyes want to flood. My heart wants to stop. I can't feel my fingers my throat hurts.

She's going to get better.

She has to.

Right?

I don't want to go through this. I want to be happy. For once. I want to be happy. I don't want to have to worry about anything anymore. I just want to be happy. Just once.

She can't leave. I don't want her to. I've had her my whole life. Even that isn't like. I don't care. She's always been there. Always. Now, here I am, a waiting game until that day where I have to say goodbye.

I don't want to. I hate it. My head hurts. She held me. She watched me. She's been there. She won't get to see so much. She won't get to see my wedding. She won't see my children if I have any. She won't see my graduation. She won't see me at college. She won't see anything.

It hurts. To feel anything like this. Death. Death hurts. I fucking hate it. There's too much going on in my head. It's foggy. I just want to be able to breathe. I just want to feel better.

I can't talk about this anymore.

(Straight from my notes app).

See you in the next one!

-A.E.T.

P.S. Sorry for the bulk posting today. It's been crazy and I've had a lot going on my mess of a brain.