One Letter Is All It Takes

Alistair Boyd was fired from his position as head of marketing for gross incompetence after only two months. An ad campaign costing $10,000,000 the supposed merchandising prodigy spearheaded was an utter failure. Swift backlash from the public, particularly parents, was resonating. The board of directors wanted immediate answers when market shares tumbled overnight. It eclipsed the Bud Light debacle. This will be taught in business schools as another example of why you shouldn’t alienate your consumer base.

The COO, Harmony Featherstone, is in full-blown damage control addressing the throng of media asking the same question: “Does Kellogg’s regret unceremoniously firing Crackle?” With poised diplomacy, she explains mistakes were made, that decisions were based on skewed data extrapolated from just one focus group comprised solely of witches. “So, it’s now apparent ‘Cackle’ was not a suitable replacement spokesperson as my former director assured me. And for that, I apologize. The lesson we can take from this is that thinking outside the box is not always the correct approach, especially when cereal is involved.”

Harmony emphasizes how important Kellogg’s reputation is and how she and her team are dedicated to winning back the trust of the customers. She assures everyone, “Kellogg’s has reached out to Crackle’s lawyers in hopes of turning the page by making things right. I, along with Snap and Pop, look forward to sitting down for a productive, face-to-face discussion as to how we can repair partnerships, put this behind us and focus on delivering a nutritious product that has been and always will be enjoyed at breakfast tables by families for generations.”

She finishes the press conference by mentioning, “Also, despite rumors being spread on social media, Circe the Black Cat was never in consideration for taking the spot of Tony the Tiger.” This is a lie.

In a conference room atop the headquarters at 1 General Mills Boulevard, Count Chocula is watching the press briefing with the Berry brothers, Boo and Franken. “And that’s why,” he declares, “we haven’t ever solicited advice from a coven.”