The sign for Lucky’s Pub squeaked above him in the night wind. Its hanging plastic had green letters, a foaming mug, and the head of a buck with many points.

Jameson could not see Sadie anywhere. He had barely seen her in the bar, but she had spoken in a low voice, her voice, distinct among the chatter and Kenny Chesney. “I want to see you,” she said, and the heat in his groin burned through his tether to reason. He had closed his tab and rushed to this empty curb.

Twenty-four years ago he failed out of college and came to see Sadie. Two days later he left a note, her, his uncle’s house and Francisville. He got to a restaurant on the West Coast and traded charm for gratuities until a regular asked if he’d considered selling real estate. That was 1998, in Seattle.

He had thought little of Sadie since. Jameson had money to burn in a hot town and he married one of the girls. He did not think of her during the flings that preceded and followed the divorce.

He had sent his RSVP for the reunion on a whim. When the reminder came and he no longer had a plus-one, he tried to find Sadie on Facebook, but then she appeared in Lucky’s and said, “I want to see you.” She had turned to the door almost as soon as she spoke, but she was Sadie. He remembered her voice and the smell of her, and Jameson looked down the road outside the pub and knew where she was.

The Route 66 Diner was a house beside a vacant lot; in some distant decade Sadie’s grandparents had knocked down interior walls in favor of tables, on which they served blueberry pancakes and home fries to loggers. Jameson and Sadie had fucked atop one of those tables on a night when their houses weren’t free and Sadie slipped the key from her mother’s purse. He had poured syrup across her torso and fucked her and she had loved it, and he had masturbated to the memory until he found other girls in his semester at Penn State.

The gutter had pulled away from the porch roof. Faded block letters still read “Route 66 Diner” with “Truckers Welcome” in cursive below, but time or blunt force had torqued the posts and sign into bent ruin. A Coldwell Banker sign on a smaller post offered showings by appointment; it was old, too. When Jameson turned the doorknob it rattled in his hand.

The air smelled stale and he could make out little in the dim light from the street, but peering to the far wall he saw an outline seated on a table, their table. “It’s been a long time, Sadie,” he said.

The fluorescent lights burned his eyes when she flicked them on, and his vision adjusted gradually. “It has, Jameson,” she said. There was no ambient noise here, and she spoke with a smoker’s sandpaper voice. She had patchy gray hair, gray and mottled skin, and a body too thin to look well.

Jameson sat on the next table. He ran his finger through its coat of dust for an excuse to look away. “How long’s it been closed?”

“A few months after Mom died. I hurt my back and gave up.”

“When was that?”

“You got me pregnant, Jameson.”

She lit a cigarette in the silence. As she exhaled he found his tongue. “What?”

“That time right before you left. You got me pregnant.”

“You never told me.”

Her laugh merged into a cough. “You never cared.”

“What did you do with it?”

“Named him Jameson.”

His gurgling nausea thickened, and to suppress it he yelled, “Why would you do that? Why didn’t you find me?”

“I pictured the way you’d cry when you came home and met our son. Then I wised up, and his name was to remind everybody of what you did.”

“Where is he?”

Sadie’s hand trembled as she raised the cigarette. She breathed it deeply before answering. “The cemetery off Belmont Road. Electrical fire. He was six.”

The fluorescents’ hum grew loud while Sadie smoked and Jameson bent his head toward his knees and a carpet stain. It took him a long time to perform the calculation, but the answer was 22.

He asked, “Where were you when it happened?”

“A few thousand miles closer than you were.”

That angered him. He met her glare; she blew smoke toward him. “I don’t believe you,” he said.

She snorted. “Ask around.”

“What do you want?”

“You owe me, Jameson.”

“Bullshit.”

“Yeah, bullshit. A mountain of it. You’re king of the mountain now, aren’t you, Jameson? Go off twenty-four years, buy some drinks at Lucky’s, make sure everybody sees your wallet and fancy watch?” She leaned forward and pointed her cigarette at him. “You owe me, Jameson.” She put out the butt on the table.

Unanswerable questions drifted through the stagnant air. He had to leave; he stood and opened his wallet. He counted and placed the bills on Sadie’s table. “I have $132.”

He waited for release. She watched him with her hollowed eyes and made no move toward the cash.

“There still an ATM outside the station?” he asked. She nodded. “I’ll be back.”

“Sure,” she said. Sadie pulled another cigarette from her pack. “I’ll be right here. Waiting.”

A traffic light hung over the four-way. It wavered in the wind and blinked red onto the gas station and the dollar store across the road. Jameson inserted his card. His finger hovered over the withdrawal button but pushed “Check Balance.” He turned back toward the sidewalk. There was a pet and garden store, a lot with U-Hauls, Lucky’s, a few houses, secondhand and hardware stores with apartments above. The diner waited in the dark beyond. A church needing paint stood just past the intersection; its sign advertised Sunday’s sermon, “The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth.”

He ripped his card from the machine and strode away. Jameson pictured Sadie, moaning with syrup on her young breasts and Sadie, gaunt, cackling smoke from the end of the table as he thrust, and he put down his foot and his rented car sped down Route 66.

I have a rather funny laugh

some say it’s quite the cackle

occasionally there is a snort

(which raises hubby’s hackles)

my laugh is loud

my smile is too

I could frown

and sometimes do

I could cry

I do that, too

but I’d much rather

not be blue

I prefer to laugh

till tears do fall

life’s much more fun

when I recall

the laughter, the fun

the days in the sun

the rain or the snow

it’s all great, you know

so I cackle and chuckle

and chortle and titter

and giggle too much

and avoid being bitter

I hope to spread a little joy

to those I meet each day

helping them (and me as well)

keep thunder clouds at bay.

A raspy cackle raises my hackles,

and my feet stop, as if in shackles

near a dark, godforsaken chapel.

A diabolical laugh crackles

again, as if wheezing jackals

are stalking me, trying to tackle

my soul, treating it like an apple

to be devoured without a grapple,

followed by a burp and a cackle.

Double, Double Toil and Trouble

The spoon’s encased in gnarly knuckles

Something's cooking – you ready to eat?

Promise the gamey taste can’t be beat.

The witch cackles and it lingers all around

Shivers run up and down at the sound

Steam rises from the huge, coal black pot

Holy hell – please don't say this is your lot.

“Come hither, dearie,” a crooked finger begs.

Fear invades, there’s no sensation in your legs.

“You’ll not feel a thing,” she says and cackles.

“You’re more plump and juicy than the apples.”

Eyes wide, you shake with fear and stumble back

You don’t want to be this old hag’s midnight snack

Your mouth opens wide to produce a scream -

Then you wake – thank God it’s but a dream.

Staggering, you head to the kitchen for a wee drink

Cause the old hag managed to take you to hell's brink;

The door swings wide - you can’t mask your surprise,

There stands the wicked witch in her insatiable guise.

Focus at one point

is a must

to lean into a thing

learn it, thus

experience teaches

the nature of hyena

howling

(this is taking too long!?)

in sardonic drawl

objective spread

over the indeterminate

while

as such git,

never gets done

like house cleaning

always put off

& putting off

posturing, circling

or building muscle

true 5 minutes a day

of prowess, stretch

leads to some good

in dissipation

& daily shuffle

but not so much

as maniacal focus

does

in seeing

through

any arbitrary

deadline hunt

& so, shutter

of an eye in the

photographing

of wild subjects,

for later, plain

out of the jungle

should these slide

over

the monocle

like a cackle

of hyena

striped, or spotted

with crooked smile

2024 OCT 20

It’s 1943 and I’m fourteen years old. My father is in the South Pacific on an island called Guadalcanal. He writes to me when he can, but I hear that it’s dangerous and my mother believes that he’s never coming back. She tells me to brace myself for that storm, so when the military men come and knock on the door, there’s no shock. She says she won’t even cry because he was a fool to go, and now she has to work long days at a textile factory. She cackles with laughter when I tell her I think that he’s a hero. “Boy, men have been killing themselves since the dawn of time. Heroes look after their families.”

I go to the Drekon school for boys up in Loudon. It’s a big gray building on a hill overlooking a small town thick with industrial smog. The boys there aren’t soldiers. They’re the boys who are going to send soldiers to their death. They even say so as they walk the halls filled with framed pictures of past presidents of the school. They’re the future bankers, lawyers, and factory owners. I don’t belong here, but my grandfather attended this school, and family of past alumni could attend Drekon so long as their grades were fine.

My mother tells me I need to do something good with my life. I tell her I will, but she laughs when I say it. She tells me, “You have too much of your father in you,” as though that’s the worst thing a mother could say to her son. But secretly I think that’s a good thing. He’s a good man, a hero, whether or not she wants to believe it.

On Wednesday’s after school, I take piano lessons from an old Italian man named Victor. His hair is thin and white, and when he isn’t teaching piano lessons, he’s in the back of his shop repairing them. The shop is beautiful, and it smells like history. It smells like if these pianos and violins could talk, they could tell you stories unlike anything you’ve ever heard. And the boy in me sometimes asks them questions quietly as Victor finishes up his work in the back.

I rub thin lines of dust in the shape of musical notes and I say, “What have you seen? Where do you come from? What do you think about the war?” They never answer, though my hope is that someday they will and I’ll sit with them for hours and write what they have to say. Because I want to be a writer, it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted.

Victor takes me in the back and I sit at a Steinway piano made of Walnut and I tap the keys and play some of Chopin’s Berceuse in D Flat and Victor smiles. “You’re practicing, I can tell.” He says through his small spectacles.

“I am.”

“But your heart’s not in it?”

“It is.” I say, and he laughs. Like my mother, a big cackle. And he says,

“If you want to lie to an old man, you’ll need to do better than that.”

“I want to be a writer.” I say.

He smiles. “And what do you want to write about?”

“Soldiers.”

“Because your father is one?”

“Because I believe they sacrifice a great deal, and people like my mother think it’s all a waste of life.”

“And you don’t feel that way, young Charles?”

I stop playing Chopin and I look up at Victor. He never seems to get angry, just curious. I’ve seen a man throw profanities at him in his shop before, and Victor’s tone and his well-articulated responses never wavered. And I wonder how he can do that, because I can already feel my heart pounding at the idea of debating this old man, only to find out that he agrees with my mother.

“I think that the country called, and he answered. And that I’ll do the same thing if the war is still going on in the years to come.”

“Well, I think that’s honorable, Charles. I pray that you never have to experience war, but I do believe there is a great sacrifice in service, and that sacrifice should not go unspoken.”

“Did you serve?” I ask.

Victor pauses for a moment, rubbing the small stubble on his chin.

“In a manner of speaking, I did.”

“And did you regret it?”

He pauses again, his brown eyes staring off into the distance.

“I regret what war does to men,” He says.

“What does it do?”

“Young Charles, there are more ways to die than simply the stopping of one’s heart. There are people out here walking these streets every day who are more dead than my forefathers. And it isn’t only your father who is sacrificing.”

“I-I don’t understand.” I say.

“Maybe in time you shall. Now, enough of this. Your mother pays me to teach you piano, and she is not a woman to cross.”

He lets out a smile, and I laugh. And we play Chopin while on the other side of the world. My father kills, and like Victor says, dies as well.

I’m sixteen in May of 1945 when the war ends. My father returns home in June. When the taxi pulls up to the house, I jump up from my study and run down the stairs and out the door.

“Hey, kid.” He says and smiles as I run into his arms. Mother is working at the factory, and I’m happy about that because I want to pick his brain and finally have a story worth writing.

End of the year writing assignments are due in two weeks, and I want desperately to showcase my best work. I know that Mr Dupoint has contacts in the industry, because he himself is a published author. His novel For There Goes The Tides of War was a great and fascinating read. He wrote it when he was stationed in France back in 1917.

We walk inside, and he asks where mother is.

“At work.” I say.

“Ah, yes. And I suppose she told you she needed to work because I’d run off?”

I nod my head. He tousles my hair and smiles. Letting out a big laugh.

“Your mother never changes. I sent money in an envelope every two weeks. Enough to keep a roof over your head. And she goes out and gets a job. What a woman.”

I smile. I don’t know how long to wait before I ask. But I’m dying a slow death inside.

“H-how was it?” I ask nervously.

“I’m glad it’s over, Charlie.” Again, he tousles my hair. He sits down in the dining room and asks if I’ll get him a drink. I pour him one, and bring it over, and he shoots it down quickly before asking for another. “How’s school?”

“It’s okay.”

“Just okay? That’s a great school my father got you into.”

“I know. It’s just, I uh, I don’t want to be a banker or a lawyer.”

“No? And what do you want to be, kiddo?”

“A writer.”

Another crackle of laughter. The same one that my mother gave me when I called my father a hero, and the same one Victor gave me when he caught me lying, and now my father when I tell him I want to write.

“A writer? For the paper?”

“No. I want to write books.”

“Write about what?”

“I’d like to write about you. I’d like to write about the glory of war.”

“The glory of war?” He says, but I can see blackness in his eyes. The same blackness from when he brought my brother back from the train tracks. Holding him in his arms, and staring off like if someone made a single wrong move, it would be a swift end to their life. "There's no goddamn glory in war, kid."

I hadn’t seen him in so long. And the blackness had returned.

“Just get the hell out of here, Charlie.” He says.

“B-but I,”

“GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE, CHARLIE” He screams and points to the door. "You want to do something with your life, pay attention in that goddamned school and get a job. A real job. So just get the hell outta, Charlie. I'd like to be alone."

“But I miss you. I-I-I haven’t seen you. I just want to hear about your heroics” “

He grabs me by the collar of my shirt. “I won’t tell you again.”

I nod my head and despite my best efforts; the tears begin to fall and he scoffs. My father in his army green. The most handsome man I’d ever seen. My hero. And as I turn to the door, my mother is standing in her factory clothes, her left hand resting lazily on her hip. She’s smiling.

She wraps her arm around me, and my father grabs another drink.

“So, you made it out alive, eh? Well, I told the boy not to get his hopes up. Because a lot of men weren’t coming home. But Charlie kept his hopes, anyway. Nice for Charlie to get some one on one time with his hero, eh Walt?”

My father throws the glass against the kitchen wall.

“A bona fide real-life hero.”

Then they begin to yell at each other. He’s only been home a few minutes. I leave and grab my bike and go to the music store.

I walk in and Victor is in the back with a boy of no older than six teaching him the basics. I sit and wait at one of the grand pianos. I tell myself to calm down, that war is hard. That it was my fault. I shouldn’t have brought that on him so quickly. I should have let him rest.

I whisper to the piano, “You’ve been through it all. You’ve likely seen war, yet you are gentle and kind. Your music creates peace and warmth. You are easy and easy to love.”

Then the little boy comes out from the back crying. “I hate this,” He says to his mother, as she drags him through the store and out the door with the ring of the bell.

“It isn’t gentle and kind for everyone.” Victor says. “It takes patience and understanding before it becomes gentle and kind.”

“Oh, you heard that?” I ask, embarrassed.

“I know you talk to them and want their answers. I know you seek answers from them because you know they’ll never give them to you.”

“I suppose it’s easier that way. Because then I can create my own answers.”

“Perhaps that’s what makes you a writer.” He says, as he walks towards me, taking a seat on the bench next to me.

“Your father is home. But he will never truly be the same.” Victor says and begins playing. “He will have days when he can forget, and days when the war is so clear, he’ll forget that he’s home. In many ways, the father you knew is dead. But in other ways, he isn’t. Just like the Charles, who came here as a sulking 12-year-old boy is now dead, but in many ways, he isn’t. We all die small deaths every day. It’s all a matter of how you choose to carry on. Perhaps your father will beat the worst of it, perhaps not. But if you want to write, find the beauty in all of life’s pain.”

“What if I don’t know how?” I ask.

Victor laughs. Again, that bright big cackle of his that drives me mad, but this time I smile.

“Then you’re no writer.”

It’s 1955. I’m 26 years old and I’m promoting my first book at a coffee shop a block from my childhood home. My hair is slicked back, and the reporter smokes Lucky’s while writing in his notepad. He asks me questions about my novel, Factory Girl and says that there seems to be a large demographic of women who consider me to be ahead of my time.

“What do you think about that?” He says.

“Well, it’s based on my mother. I spent a lot of time idolizing my father as a child because I felt that, as a boy, it had to be my goal to become a man. But being a man is a little more complicated than that, I believe. My notion of manhood was certainly one devoid of happiness and of any kind of aspirations that were my own.”

“What does your mother think about your book?”

“She likes it.” I say with a laugh. “She thinks that my fictitious mind sometimes runs away from me and that the book would be better if it were a bit more grounded.

“Your father is certainly a character in this book, but he isn’t necessarily a heroic figure, is he?”

I stop and look at the newspaper on the counter. I sip my coffee and see a headline that reads. Local Music Shop Owner Dies with a picture of Victor Abate. His stubble from my childhood, grown into a jolly old Saint Nick beard.

His voice echoes in my head at that moment, clearer than the voice of the reporter in front of me.

There are people walking these streets every day who are more dead than my forefathers

“I, uh, think that my father was gravely wounded during the war. Not physically, but certainly mentally. And I feel that perhaps my fictitious mind ran away from me slightly, but he became another child to my mother. And maybe she didn’t mind for a while because I lost my brother at a young age, but it broke her down as it did to me. In my eyes, she became more of a hero, and I began to understand exactly why she wanted to work while he was away. Because she’d heard horror stories of men returning home, and she needed to ensure that a roof was kept over my head. I began to look at the everyday heroics of the women who worked and cared for their children.”

“And how long has it been since your father passed?” The reporter asks.

“Three years ago. I miss him dearly, but I believe that he is happier now.”

I think back to the day he returned. The coldness of his eyes, and the sharpness of his words. The silence was paralyzing, he never told me a thing about the war.

Somedays I fear he was never a good man. And that my memories of him before the war were just snapshots. Just another story of a boy wanting desperately to be loved by his father.

“And what are your plans for the future?”

“I’m here to visit my mother, and I plan to persuade her to leave this town and move in with me. She worked tirelessly to keep a roof over my head and I believe it is now my turn to put one over hers.”

“Do you have another book in you?”

“I believe I do. Although I couldn’t at this moment tell you what it’s about but perhaps something about the magic of pianos.”

“The magic of pianos, you say?”

“Yes. The old man who owned the music store just passed away. His name was Victor, and he was a great friend of mine. I, uh, used to be a very lonely child, and I’d go to his shop early even though I knew he had other students. I wasn’t too keen on the piano, but the smell of aged wood provided me with a great comfort. I’d even ask the piano questions.” I chuckle softly at this. The reporter raised an eyebrow quizzically. “I was a young boy looking to write, and the pianos had history. I prayed that they’d open up and tell me their story, and I could write the world’s greatest novel.”

“Did they ever answer?”

“No. No. Not in so many words. But they still helped me unfurl my own stories. If not for Victor and the pianos, I would have never written this novel.”

We finish the interview, and I shake the man’s hand. I walk out of the coffee shop and head down towards the music store. I walk in and the bell rings over my head and I picture the young boy of six years old, screaming to his mother that he hates the instrument.

There’s a young man in the back who peaks his head out and tells me he’ll be with me in a moment. I tell him to take his time, that I’m simply browsing.

I walk through the store and I sit at a couple of the pianos, and think that I haven’t played one in a decade or so. I haven’t spoken to one in the same amount of time.

So I walk and rub my hands in the light dust all along the storefront and at the end, I see a note written in the dust.

Make the piano talk, or you’re no writer

I cackle with laughter, and then I go to my childhood home to fetch my mother. She opens the door and tells me I’m late.

“You’re too much like your father for your own good.”

I smile, but I hope that I’m not completely like him.

Doing nothing

is the Art hahaha!

to know not waste

given moment's notice

hold it all four corners

for how it owns us

east south north west

a cat curling self

around the leg

imperceptible

scent leaving

in darkness beginning

a tiny movement

a beating

10.22.2024

Cackle challenge @Last

Alistair Boyd was fired from his position as head of marketing for gross incompetence after only two months. An ad campaign costing $10,000,000 the supposed merchandising prodigy spearheaded was an utter failure. Swift backlash from the public, particularly parents, was resonating. The board of directors wanted immediate answers when market shares tumbled overnight. It eclipsed the Bud Light debacle. This will be taught in business schools as another example of why you shouldn’t alienate your consumer base.

The COO, Harmony Featherstone, is in full-blown damage control addressing the throng of media asking the same question: “Does Kellogg’s regret unceremoniously firing Crackle?” With poised diplomacy, she explains mistakes were made, that decisions were based on skewed data extrapolated from just one focus group comprised solely of witches. “So, it’s now apparent ‘Cackle’ was not a suitable replacement spokesperson as my former director assured me. And for that, I apologize. The lesson we can take from this is that thinking outside the box is not always the correct approach, especially when cereal is involved.”

Harmony emphasizes how important Kellogg’s reputation is and how she and her team are dedicated to winning back the trust of the customers. She assures everyone, “Kellogg’s has reached out to Crackle’s lawyers in hopes of turning the page by making things right. I, along with Snap and Pop, look forward to sitting down for a productive, face-to-face discussion as to how we can repair partnerships, put this behind us and focus on delivering a nutritious product that has been and always will be enjoyed at breakfast tables by families for generations.”

She finishes the press conference by mentioning, “Also, despite rumors being spread on social media, Circe the Black Cat was never in consideration for taking the spot of Tony the Tiger.” This is a lie.

In a conference room atop the headquarters at 1 General Mills Boulevard, Count Chocula is watching the press briefing with the Berry brothers, Boo and Franken. “And that’s why,” he declares, “we haven’t ever solicited advice from a coven.”

the tempest of desire

uncoils like a snake

rising from the depths

of my muladhara

it slithers along my spine

ascends to my crown

engorged

in that moment

i realize

i cannot resist you—

i assent

laughing maniacally

as i penetrate

pulsate

and explode

10/22/2024