I have but one skill

I have but one skill

November 02, 2024

My name is not as important as my looks.

I have ulnar dimelia, aka mirror hand syndrome. Both of my hands have eight fingers each. I have no thumbs. I have been this way since birth. Barely seventy people, world-wide, present as I do. There are many reasons for this.

I cannot wear gloves. I will not shake hands. I avoid people who make thumb wrestling jokes. I can flip you four birds. I have trouble grasping objects. I can't tie my shoes. However, I can tie a Double Windsor. I use a straw for most beverages and (some) soups. I have been x-rayed. I have never been fingerprinted. I will not make a movie appearance. I do not wave. Forget playing baseball or the piano. I will pass on bowling and clapping.

Despite all of my obvious shortcomings, I do one thing very well.

I am a master locksmith. So much so, for those who know me and what I can do, I am always in high demand.

Why?

Because I can feel tumblers fall. I can feel a pick travel into a cylinder while I measure the pressure required to raise the individual pin tumblers. I am also just as adept with other locking mechanisms.

How adept?

I work off of touch, not sound. I can measure differences of force and pressure within .0002%. I can do all of this both at the source and as far away as two meters (personal best). If it turns, if metal moves across metal, if any part of the mechanism moves, I will know.

Once opened, then I will know what the lock was protecting.

My few friends wonder how I can remain legit. How can I forgo stealing a stack of money here or a diamond necklace there. It must be tempting.

It is very tempting.

But, so is an accusation against the someone who looks like a freak. So is responding to bogus legal requirements that I register with this agency or that agency in the interest of public safety.

No one sees my face, only my hands. No one listens to me, only the sound of their own voice denying my rights. The ADA people wish to characterize and classify me. The FBI wants to interrogate me for every unsolved crime they have. Insurance companies will deny me coverage. The police think I can shoot a pistol. The DMV thinks I shouldn’t drive. I haven’t tried either.

Yet.

So why am I making this announcement? Because I now have confirmation the worldwide number of people with my condition will soon increase.

I am going to have twins.

So, if you have the penchant for making my life miserable, I might just find a level of reciprocity to make your life miserable. What do you have locked away? Money? Papers? Jewels?

Raising children is expensive.

Do you have a secure system? I will teach two apprentices my craft. From the look of their x-rays, they already come with the tools.

Time is on my side.

See you soon.

And often.