Twin Bells

I heard her sing,

even though the radio doesn't exist in my scene.

Empty, gaping hole in the center of my vehicle.

I don't need the reminder, I can hear her all the same.

"Christmas..." and her bringing the 'time for cheer'

"Christmas..." and it's fucking so near.

"Christmas..." and with family and all...

"Christmas..." I can't bring myself to love any of it all.

I couldn't bring back the memories.

I think they chased me up here with the way it seems.

Closing my eyes, I can hear that old hag scream.

Nay-sayers, just saying that they don't believe.

No one wants to hear it. I get it, all day.

Some already out in full joust, just to say.

"Be kind. Be merry."

And I agree with their fight.

"It's hard for many," but not just those in the retail 'delights.'

I'm up and I'm down.

My mood is floundering around.

My neck is sore and raw.

A red scarf of immunity all gone wrong.

If it isn't my kidney, it's one thing or another.

I'm just another adult on the ride of the holiday sputter.

It'll be over in a flash.

Thirty days.

More like thirty lashes.

But it'll be clear, there won't be much more of this damn holiday cheer.

Why am I like this? Why do I go out?

When I know that there's so many people about?

I want to stay in, shutter out the whole world.

Something says in me, "go on, be brave and be bold" but I don't want to be the one with a gold soul. It's gold on tar black. My mind's a broken and chipped glass.

The whip has been whupped, and my candle has slumped.

For Christ's sake, someone take away all this decrepit-ness, and let me breath a sigh of quiet relief.

No more religion.

No more mental chess.

I just want to close my eyes, breath in and just say. "No more winter," and just spell it away.

I don't care if I'm green in the face, where I am grim.

Take away the holiday, take away the pressure.

Let me go free, let it all stop building up pressure.

I wish I could open my eyes after that and successfully say,

"No more winter, yeah... I feel better now." No, instead, I open my eyes and the world looks a tone grayer. I'm the next step from the holiday drinker. The one who's a PTSDer with a yellow light blinking, that check engine light's still on honey. Yeah, I know. And I think it... Think it might have been on, since a long long time ago. Maybe on as long as my truck. We go back a ways, maybe we both need a bit of time into the shop.

Iron out the kinks, replace all the broken links.

I wish I knew where else I was going with this, but I think I'm just ready for a drink.

Are you?