I think I might plan to sing.

Tunes, drawls, stories and all things sing-song.

My voice might be gruff,

unfeminine and crude.

But the joy isn't gone from me.

I am the very thing,

no butterfly,

but more like a soft moth delicate in the background of hues of green and pastels.

Let me be.

Great.

I might be large.

Larger than life.

A breath of fresh air,

or a terror that elicits screams from my surveyors.

I am a being of subjectivity.

I think you might think that one so precious as me,

ought to be alive longer than most.

Or dead, deader than dead for the deeds I hold no remorse.

That is fine.

All is fine.

For I am no pet of yours.

I am but a wild thing.

A primrose on fields of gold.

Like poppies that dance in the fields to be huffed and sold.

Take me apart, fed back to the masses.

Used on up until the machine finds new glasses, in which men of richer standing toast on my grave.

Happy I'm no longer a thorn in their endeavors.

No more brave.

Beautiful sparks of red against a black mask chirped.

Head twisted, half cocked, then turned again.

"Chirp."

I heard it flutter away, the shy little bird like a red arrow against the white fray as I watched plumes of air echo off my aching throat before the cold reached back in and stole my breath away.

I picked up my hands, staring at purpling and pinking finger tips to brush the snow away from the top of the porch.

Here.

Here was life.

Life as I knew it.

Know it.

Beauty in all the things high and low,

if only I was it.

Nature, so lovely, she'd steal your breath away.

Take it away, and breathe life into another day.

Oh, what is my life, but a soft borrowed breath aching against borrowed time.

For this is me, this is my 'life.'

As temporary as it may be.

Teeth gnashed,

pearly white against crisp and blackened skin that flaked off like overcooked turkey in the oven.

Long strands of sinew shriveled up against taught muscle where red under flesh spent time cooking to a perfected pink.

I stared at the work I'd done.

The bone and flesh thing with melted out eyes, and a hollowed nose.

"You actually burned him alive," a voice said behind me. I could almost picture their brows popping up, like they were legitimately surprised before I snorted at the comment.

It sounded ridiculous. "He deserved it," I said coldly. And it had... satisfied my more innate curiosities.

Had I been any younger, I might have been horrified at the act. I had never imagined in my wildest dreams being a murderous bitch, but- here I was, doing just that.

A wilder part of me, that my former self would have never believed, was giddy over it. Giddy over the prospect of my now-husband, then neighbor being the one who goaded me into such behaviors because it seemed to make him feel hot all over just watching me absolutely gut someone.

"Kat-"

The gasped breath with my name on their lips had me yanking my head. I turned back to stare at my little sister, and for a moment, a tiny part of me sparked to life, worried that she'd be terrified of me, but just as quick as the fear jumped forward, it also spurned out its spark and died. "What?"

"W-What the hell?"

"Vampire are scum," I told her very calmly, tipping my head to the side as I regarded the corpse carefully. The disinterest in my eyes probably wasn't missed by her. "Don't feel bad for him. I did him a mercy to save him from Red torching his ass at degree probably hotter than some gas station fuel. Come on." I nodded, yanking my head at her. "He had an accomplice and we can't let him get too far."

I managed to roll through a few tiny things in secret with Willow before we let the twins back in. I had her start by opening the door and greeting the two of them warmly, which I knew would jar Mik. It did, and I had to keep a straight face as we opted to move to a new location outside of Willow’s house. Everyone piled into my car, except Topher, who chose to follow behind in his car.

“Is she even familiar with an Eden-only location?” Mik asked, scratching at the back of his head.

I glanced over at Willow, and shrugged. “It’s not hard to explain,” I breathed, nudging her to put her seatbelt on as we got a little further down the street. I turned my steering wheel, and made a sharp right turn before hitting the on ramp down the mountain, glancing up in my rearview mirror as Mik braced himself a little bit.

I glanced at Willow then. She had her seatbelt on, her hand grasping the handle above the window as she laughed.

The car jerked down the curve harshly, and I noticed a thumping noise as Mik’s leg struck out against the opposite side of the car. I noticed his head disappear from my rearview mirror, likely indicating he’d slipped down the seat.

“Ju-”

The car whipped down the curve then hit the next one that went the opposite direction and I heard Mik’s voice turn from a strangled yelp to a harsh holler.

“JULIAN!” He hollered.

“Sorry,” I told him, barely able to control my laughter, figuring this was as good as any payback for Willow to let her know that the twins weren’t immune to getting picked on either.

Her smile was wide as she seemed to hold back some of her laughter. Her eyes met mine, her eyes bright with humor.

I let the car drift, my foot laid off the pedal as I felt the wheels pick up on the slickness of the road from the bit of water and he whipped the tail end down the end of the curve before I hit the gas again.

“Fuck!” Mik yelled, the anger barely reaching his lips. “You-”

He didn’t get the next words out before I heard him choke back a gag, and then we slowed down before the bottom as we came to the end of the hill and back onto a straight path of road. I heard Mik slam down on the seat, wheezing.

“You little shit,” he breathed out laboriously.

“I have no idea what you’re crying about back there. It was slippery.”

Willow chuckled and shook her head. “Do we need to pull over? You look a little green.”

Mik shuddered, his face pale as he slipped down until further into the seat. Honestly, I was pretty surprised. I didn’t think he’d ever looked so nervously wrecked by a car ride since I got my learning permit and had to have someone in the passenger seat, watching my ass eff up who knew how many turns before I learned to slow down before taking them. “Fuck,” he rasped, ignoring us.

“I’ll take that as a no,” I snorted, rolling my eyes before I continued to drive down the road. We ended up making it to the small arcade before I came to a stop in the parking stall, and got out. Mik, unfortunately, was stepping out like he’d just found his legs.

“What the hell happened back there?” Topher asked as he slid up beside us.

I looked over at the other brother, giving him a curious brow raise. “I hydroplaned a little bit,” I lied.

“Oh, fuck off with that,” Mik rasped. “He took me on one of his little racing trips, thinking it was cute.”

I shrugged it off, my mouth turning down in a tight, but unapologetic frown before going over to Willow’s car side to meet her, trying to keep the smile off my face. I knew Topher’s eyes were on me, and he was likely giving me a questionable if not scrutinizing look.

“I think our little fiend found a girlfriend,” Topher muttered low under his breath to Mik, and I caught that, though I wasn’t sure Willow would as I yanked back the moment her door popped open.

“Sorry,” she said, getting out. Did she think she hit me with the door?

I shook my head at her quickly, my brows raised. “You’re fine,” I told her. “Come on, let’s go in, it’s cold outside.”

She nodded and closed the door to stand close to me as she looked at the building. “What is this again?” she asked.

“It’s a Supernatural arcade,” I told her. “You have to have the Eden app to get in.” I cozied up alongside her, urging her to step forward as the twins seemed to follow behind me, muttering things to each other.

“Uh-huh,” she said. “Why… do you guys need a special arcade?”

I shrugged. “It’s an owner preference thing, but generally, we don’t have to hide our nature at them. People can drink freely, get whatever they want to eat without having to order from a separate secret menu, and whatever else.”

“O-kay. Makes sense.”

“And feeding publicly isn’t really a big deal,” I told her, clearing my throat. “If you want anything regular to eat, just let me know and I’ll show you how to read the menu.” I stepped up to the front door, scanning my phone’s barcode off the back before the little gate opened and we stepped in. Glancing back at the twins, I could see them coming in behind us, but not as quickly. “What do you want to try first?” I asked, glancing back ahead at all the rows of claw machines before they broke off into the air hockey and shooter arcade games.

“Uh–” Willow stilled a little and I stopped to look at her. “What's your favorite?”

My brows rose. I didn’t think she’d be interested in much of what I liked. “Um, I like first person shooter games, but— Let’s try something like air hockey and maybe we can go to the arcade space invader game after.”

She nodded. “Alright. What's air hockey?”

“It’s uh– cute,” I choked out, dipping my head as I glanced back. “The game, I mean.” I cleared my throat, feeling a little spark of excitement. She wasn’t familiar with air hockey? I walked over to the table, grabbing the corner of the table to lean forward and look down, checking the price before I opened my phone’s app to see how many coins I had from last time. Enough. I ruminated.

I turned on the little barcode and scanned it against the reader before I heard the air flick on and I straightened up to see the twins step up to the other side. “Wanna do a two v two?” I asked them.

Topher looked back, seemingly distracted before sliding me a slow, calm gaze nodding for me to slot them into the game.

“Nice,” I breathed, scanning again and hitting the button on the side of the table’s game panel for a four person match. “It’s pretty easy to play,” I told Willow, grabbing the puck from the slot as I held it up to show her. “Just take any of the handles and smack this until you can get it into the opposite side’s slot. It’s like soccer, but with a puck. I mean… if you’re not familiar with hockey.”

“Oh. Alright,” she said, putting her hand over the handle.

I put the puck down in front of her. “Give it a good thwack,” I urged as I watched the twins lean forward, grabbing a handle each.

I watched her as she slid the handle into the puck with a timid hit. It hit the side and then slid into the other before stopping. “Oh. Okay. I think I get it now,” she snorted. There was a light color to her cheeks as if she were embarrassed.

I smirked, “Yeah?” I goaded, giving her another go at it. I doubted she’d get much of a chance against the twins, but I wasn’t going to say much about it. It was just for fun. When she managed to smack it again, it slid slowly to the other side before Mik struck it, sending the puck straight to the left. It slammed back to the other side back at her, slowing down, before I watched her knock it back, getting the hang of it.

My hand twitched, waiting until Topher reached over Mik to slap it back in my direction and I slapped it back hard. I saw the puck nearly twist off the table when Topher tried to slap it back, but Mik had him covered pretty sharply before slamming it down into the table and swinging the handle against the puck, sending it expertly into my goal.

“Like that,” I breathed, laughing as I leaned down to grab the puck from my end.

Her face grew more serious then as she gripped the handle a little tighter. “Okay. I got it.”

I slid it over to her to let her give it a whack again. “Pick on Mik, he’s the slower of the two.”

Mik scoffed at me, and I grinned back at him, flashing him a sly grin. “Pay back, but you can’t put any pressure on Topher, too? What, you afraid he’ll kick your ass?”

“You always gotta go for the weaker one before taking on the big boss,” I snorted.

Willow smiled as she glanced up at the twins before quickly hitting the puck. It bounced off the side on the twins side and beelined straight for the goal. Mik went to swipe it away and ended up smacking it directly into the goal.

“Shit,” he breathed, glancing back up at her with glowing blue and gold eyes. He clicked his tongue before leaning down to get the puck.

“Sucks to suck,” I laughed, grinning a bit after. It felt good getting back into the rhythm of things. Away from the new and uncomfortable.

“Hold your breath, nerd,” Mik scoffed.

“Oh come on, did I strike a nerve?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

“No,” he laughed, before he quickly smacked the puck at me and I slapped it back. The thing probably went back and forth just between the two of us for about three hits before I smacked it, and it happened to send it to the rightmost side of the table and at Topher who hit it back, sinking it into his side and he shifted.

“Don’t let them win,” Mik huffed.

“Your vendetta isn’t mine,” Topher snorted, smacking the puck back at Willow.

Willow gripped the handle and made a quick swipe, sending the puck bouncing from side to side quickly. She cursed and hit it across the table hard.

Topher smacked it back at her, cutting off Mik’s strike and I smacked the side of the puck to diffuse the speed to let Willow get a chance to have at it again. “Nice try,” I told the two of them.

“I’m sure you think you’re hot shit right now because you’re playing in front of your new girlfriend, but calm down,” Topher chuckled.

“At least she’s kicking your ass,” I retorted, laughing, not letting them get at me again. We had this planned out right now.

Willow smirked and put the handle over the puck to pull it a little closer to her. “How often do you guys play?” she asked, hitting the puck to knock it against the far side to try and get it to bounce into the goal.

“Whenever the twins are in town,” I told her.

“Probably a few times a week every once in a while,” Topher clarified. “We kind of binge and stop.”

“Where are you from?’ she asked, glancing up before angling to guard the goal as Mik smacked the puck back.

“We’re from the US,” he told her. “Washington state specifically.”

Mik snorted. “We still live there, we just happen to touch through to your side more often through a network connection.”

“It’s a gateway,” Topher corrected.

“Whatever. Same difference.” Mik answered, rolling his eyes.

“Um… what?” Willow asked, looking at me.

“A gateway is a way that people can travel if they’ve got access to our family,” Topher explained. “It’s a shadow that we cross through. It’s a quick travel method, but only a few people can do it.”

“Like… teleportation?” she asked, surprised.

“That’s a crude word for it, but sort of.” Topher answered.

“It’s not easy to do, but a few people can do it who are close to our grandmother,” Mik said, his tone a little more serious. “We get to use it a little more… liberally, because we do a lot of favors for her and help mom and dad out with work.”

“Work?” Her curiosity definitely piqued, her attention diverting from the game.

I knocked the puck back to keep it from going past her, wincing.

Mik stared at her. “We’re part of the enforcement unit with our parents,” he said.

“They–”

“Kill people,” Topher answered, smiling a little at her. “Arrest them. Investigations. The whole nine yards. It’s not really in our interest to debate over things too long. You’d have to be pretty high up on the chain, or set president to have oversight by the higher ups.”

Damn, this wasn’t going the way I wanted. I slapped the puck back at Topher and he hit it hard. Had I swiped left instead of right, it probably wouldn’t have sank in, and I breathed out shakily. “Topher and Mik are part of a big family, close to the root of Lycanism,” I explained.

Willow blinked and pulled her hand back from the handle when the puck went in our goal. “Damn. Uh…” she grabbed her handle again. “You have a very interesting crowd,” she said, smirking at me.

“That’s what happens when you live in a family where your only friends are upper echelons.” Mik rumbled. “Your pretty-boy over there is the prince to a near dead family.”

I blinked, feeling a bit of heat hit my ears as I tilted my head down before grabbing the puck again. “I’m not a prince.”

“Sure you aren’t,” Topher snorted. “And I don’t have to watch you to make sure you don’t get killed.”

Point taken. I rolled my eyes. “It’s only if you’re talking shit.” I mumbled.

“I mean, you’ve got an estate–” Mik commented.

“When my ancestor keels over, I will. Likely not happening. She’ll outlive me.”

“That could always be arranged,” Topher snorted.

I laughed. I doubted it. “She’s almost a millennium old, I doubt it. She’s more likely to outlast any of us.”

Willow froze. “Excuse me?” she choked out.

I glanced back at her. “What?”

“I think you struck a nerve with her,” Topher breathed, smirking as he raised a dark eyebrow. “What? Did you think there weren’t some age old vampires and Lycan running around?” he asked as he leaned forward.

“Shut up,” I told him as I rolled my eyes again dramatically. These guys could be terrors at times. I turned my head to glance at Topher and then to Mik. “You know she wouldn’t know that.”

“It’s funny though,” Mik added, standing up as he crossed his arms. “It’s not all the time that we get to see genuine surprise on people’s faces.”

“Wanna guess our age?” Topher asked, pressing his hand against the edge of the table. “I’ll give you fifty-dollars if you get it right on the first try.”

She blinked. “That's not-” she looked at me. “You're going to explain this ‘prince’ thing later.”

Great.

She looked back at Topher. “The way you look and act, I'd say twenty-something, but I honestly doubt it at this point.”

“Final guess?” Topher asked, smirking. “Or is that just you thinking out loud?”

Her lips pursed and nearly disappeared. She almost looked angry, in a cute way if I was being honest with myself. “Fifty's… what like fifty-six, fifty-four?” she asked finally.

He paused, thinking about it before looking at his hand. “You’re off by about… what?”

“Half a decade,” Mik answered flatly, barely inflection in his tone.

“Right, we’re forty-eight, last grandma said.” Topher amended. He glanced back at her with glowing blue eyes. “But you were close,” he smirked.

“Dammit!” she cursed and took advantage of their distraction to hit the puck into their goal.

Topher quickly reached down, trying to counter but managed to catch the puck under his handle. He grinned. “Guess you’ll be missing that fat Grant.”

I laughed, shaking my head at them.

To my surprise, Willow flipped him off. “The odds were against me. I should get at least twenty-five with how close I got.”

“No,” Topher snorted. “You snooze, you lose,” he breathed. “Why don’t you ask your new patron for pay,” he nodded at me.

I shook my head at him. “She was close.” I agreed.

“Beat me at this match and I’ll give you half of that.” Topher told her.

“No. If we beat you I get double,” she challenged.

“Ten bucks more,” he affirmed, not backing down.

“Tripple,” she said, her eyebrow arched. I thought she might cross her arms, but she didn’t take her hand off the handle.

He huffed out, seemingly a little exhausted by her efforts. “One hundred bucks, no higher.”

“If you can beat us by a gap, I’ll give you that fifty,” Mik elected.

She turned her attention to Mik. “Fifty not top of the hundred,” she clarified.

The twins looked at each other. Mik seemed the most dubious. “You’re really hot for that money, huh?” he asked, turning to look back at her.

“You two brought money into this, not me.”

“You’re the one trying to get a big payday,” Topher snorted. Mik smiled at her sympathetically.

“Sure. You gonna play or not?”

Topher sighed, “Fine. One-fifty, but you have to beat us by a minimum of three points.”

“Deal,” Willow agreed, before Topher smacked the puck back to their side.

“Give it your best first shot,” he snorted. “I’ll give you the liberty of starting things off this round.”

I shook my head, but leaned forward, grinning. “I hope you have cash,” I breathed a laugh.

We ended up playing the game up until scoring about one point away from beating the twins by the minimum. Unfortunately, I fumbled the last shot and we ended the score at seven with the twins at five on the last run. Two rounds that ended with their barely made defeat.

Willow sighed. “We’ll still take the win,” she smiled. Given that she'd never played before she did really well, and I was pretty impressed. That, and she seemed to be able to handle the twins just fine despite earlier.

“Not bad, for a human,” Mik teased lightly.

“I think she did pretty well in general,” Topher said.

I felt pretty good hearing that, and I took in a deep breath as I stepped away from the table to look at my phone, checking for the tickets earned. “We made good points,” I said.

“How much you got stacked up this time?” Topher asked.

“Almost eleven thousand.”

“You’ve been dumping your paycheck into the arcade again, haven’t you?” Mik snorted, coming around the table to hang his arm around me so he could peek at my phone.

I grinned, not pulling away quite yet, but tugged my head back slightly to strain the hold. “I’m not sharing points this time, man. You’re on your own.”

“What do you get with the points?” Willow asked.

I glanced at her. “There’s prizes, higher tier ones that are better than the stuff they give kids, it just takes longer to get to.” I shrugged. “You want to go look?”

“Sure,” she said, pulling away from the table.

“Probably get her some food too,” Topher suggested. “I could hear her stomach growling from across the table.”

Willow blushed brightly and covered her stomach.

“Hungry already?” I asked. “Alright. Let’s go get something to eat while we’re at it.”

“I’m fine,” she said, holding her hands up.

“Willow,” I told her, leveraging a skeptical look at her. “It’s no big deal. Let’s grab something real to eat.” It wasn’t like she likely got much at home after my episode at the store.

She sighed, her shoulders dropping a little. “Okay.”

We all moved away from the table after that and made our way over to the snack bar. I was actually thankful to sit down again. After I slammed down into one of the seats, I checked the time. “Oh shit, it’s getting really late.”

“What time is it?” Mik asked.

“Two-twelve,” I answered.

“Two in the morning?” Willow asked. She pulled her phone out to check. “Oh wow.”

“Do you have to work today?” I asked her, tilting my head to the side. “Sorry, this is our ‘day-time’ technically.”

“Um- not work. I have class though.” She groaned before pocketing her phone again. “I-” she stopped, looking conflicted.

“Let’s get you whatever you want to-go and hop in the car and go.” I told her. “Come on.” I glanced back to see the twins hang back, and I hesitated, but Topher was pretty quick to urge me along.

“Just go on, we’ll hang outside until it’s time to go.” Topher said.

Willow nodded before following me to the counter. “I'll just take–” she tries to look at the options. “A burger I guess?”

“That works.” I quickly moved to flag down a staff member to take our order. After I paid, we pulled off to the side. “Was this… good?” I asked her carefully. “I know it’s not like the most exciting nightlife, but it’s pretty normal.”

“It was really fun. Thank you,” she said with an almost shy smile. “Sorry I’m cutting it short though.”

“Don’t worry about it, you’re on my clock, so I’m not upset.” I waved it off, gesturing with both of my hands.

“Order of J?” Someone called from behind the counter.

I jerked my head and turned to grab the wood fiber take-out tray, and held it out to her. “I won’t be up during the day much, but I’ll try to pick up the phone if you call me after dark as soon as I can if you have any ideas for anything else to do.”

She picked it up and nodded. “Guess that’s going to make hanging out a little difficult.”

“Sorry,” I breathed. “It’s going to be a while before I learn how to stay up during the day again.”

“You’ll be able to do that?” she asked.

“I used to be up during the day all the time,” I told her. “I was up whatever hours really… well, worked, but since I started to no longer be able to eat human food, I’ve swapped my schedule. I’m not keen on burning up in the daylight.”

“Yeah, I can see how that’s not appealing,” she breathed a small laugh and then looked down.

“Yeah,” I breathed. “Sometimes I think my dad still has trouble waking up in the day. He does it so he can get work done, or so he says, but I’m not always sure.” I shrugged it off and sighed. “Either way, I’ll figure it out. It’s just going to be a minute until then.” I nodded for her to follow me and we started to make our way to the entrance, leaving the building. Once we stepped outside into the cool night air, I felt some of my energy dying down. I was… pretty tired.

Willow followed alongside me and took my arm before stepping closer. “Thank you for tonight.”

I felt myself tense a little, and I tried to play it off. “All good,” I told her. “It was just a regular night for us,” I told her, smiling a little. I glanced over the parking lot to see the engine going from Topher’s car, Mik and he had to have huddled up in it after getting tired of standing in the chill air. They might have ran warm, but that didn’t mean they had to put up with it.

“They're not so bad,” Willow commented.

“I told you,” I commented back slowly. “They’re just… rough around the edges if you don’t know what you’re dealing with. They’re really fun people to be around.” I was grateful for it. Mik had initially been apprehensive of sticking around me at first, and Topher had been wary to make guarding and watching me anything more than that until after a while. I was glad I wasn’t alone. Not anymore. “Come on, let’s get you into the car and get warmed up before you start shivering or something.” She laughed airily. She was already shivering. Maybe that's why she had gotten so close to me.

When we got to the car she buckled up and held her, well late dinner in her lap, as I got the car started. “You cold?” I asked, glancing over at her as I flicked on the heat. “Or is that burger and fries hot enough to keep you from shivering?” I cracked a small smile at her.

She smirked at me. “I doubt they'll be hot for long.” She opened the bag and reached in for a fry.

I moved, swallowing tightly before looking away. Man, I missed food. Putting the car in reverse, I backed out of the parking lot quickly. I thought about everything. Tonight. The way she spoke and how she took in everything was great. I breathed in shortly after that thought hit me. “Hey– Willow?”

“Hmm?” she asked, her attention fully on me now as she chewed on a fry.

My thoughts sort of fell off from the tangent I was trying to go and I struggled to remember them suddenly. I was quiet for a lot longer than I meant to be because of it. “I hope tonight was— better than it started.” Good enough. There was no way in hell I was remembering what I wanted to say. And my mind was irritatedly racking my brain for that answer.

She tilted her head at me curiously and I made sure to focus on the road as she spoke. “I don’t think that’s what you wanted to say. Yes. Tonight was great.”

“Honestly… I can't remember–” I admitted dryly. “I choked on my words I guess.”

She smiled. “Shame. Now I’m even more curious to know,” she said, popping another fry in her mouth.

“You have… a lot of questions, enough as is.” I breathed, laughing a little as my shoulders hiked up. “I think I might be in over my head.” I joked.

She smiled. “I won't pressure you to answer any.”

“No?” I asked, raising a brow. “I thought you’d pepper me to death with them.” I snorted, smiling more. I relaxed then, realizing I was feeling pretty good. “Actually— I kind of do remember what I wanted to say. I— I wanted to let you know that uh, I’m glad I could add a little difference in your life… if you like being around… us all. Honestly, the twins are kind of my only connection to anyone close to my age. I don’t talk much to anyone outside of my peers, so I definitely understand the whole loneliness bit.”

“Me too. It has definitely been a very… interesting couple of nights.” I glance over to see her smiling still. “Thank you for letting me come along tonight.”

“It’s no big deal, just let me know and we can hang out whenever,” I told her, laughing softly. I focused on the road, glancing back behind me to see the twins weren’t exactly behind us, not directly anyway. I figured either they’d meet me at her place to check in, or they left. Either way, it was a relieving feeling. “And hopefully I can make it all the more exciting for you in the next upcoming week or two of your life to stick around.” I joked.

Willow chuckled. “Even more exciting? I’d say impossible, but…” She shrugged and ate a few more fries.

“Maybe. At least it’s nothing crazy and wild like bounty hunting or killing people, but I personally would say that it beats the twin’s day-to-day.” I made a right turn down the road, and then checked my navigation to see where I’d driven previously, making sure I was routing us back to her house correctly.

“I mean anything probably beats class, coffee, sleep, repeat,” she snorted.

“Sounds almost like my life, minus the class part.” I pulled into the driveway of her home and looked up at it. I hadn’t really gotten a good look at it until now. “Well— You’re back home,” I shrugged.

“Yep,” she said, looking through the windshield at her home. Willow unbuckled her seat belt with a sigh. “Thanks again,” she muttered. My gaze flicked up from the steering wheel as I watched her open the door to get out, the little box tray with her burger in one hand the other lingering on the door.

Leaning forward, I ducked my head lower to see her as she got out. “Do you think you’ll be okay?” I asked her, seeing her hesitation.

“Yeah,” she said, with a short nod. “I’ll be okay.” She gave me a small smile and went to close the car door.

“Okay,” I told her, smiling back at her as I felt a little unease rumble through me. I let her shut the door, and leaned back, watching her to see that she went inside.

She got to her front door and unlocked it before slipping inside. A faint light could be seen from a crack in the window shades. Probably the kitchen light. I glanced at the clock. She was probably out later than she needed to be and was probably going to go straight to bed.

I looked down at my hand on the steering wheel before putting the car in reverse and drove home. The ride was quieter than expected, but it gave me time to wind down. Being around her felt… energizing, whether it was nerves, or from meeting someone new, I wasn’t entirely sure.

Either way, it was comfortable. I zoned out, thinking about it, sort of taking a back seat from the entire night and before I realized it, I was pulling up to the house and along the curb. I put my car in park, and turned the heater down a little bit, feeling a little overheated for a moment before finally turning the car off. It took me a moment to will my tiring body out of the seat and up the steps to go inside. “Mom! Dad! I’m home!” I called out, figuring they were still here.

“Welcome home!” I heard a tiny call back after a moment. My mom.

I smiled a little bit and then headed for my room, pausing to hold up my phone in the thought of putting it on the charger. It was only then that it hit me. “Oh shit.” I glanced down at my phone, opening up the contact details to send her a quick text.

Sorry. Here’s my number. -J

I felt a little bit of relief at that, and decided to pocket the device and take it to my room for the night. At least if it rang, I’d hear it. I didn’t plan on ignoring my phone tonight… I guess. I heard my phone buzz and I clicked it back open to see her message and relaxed.

Goodnight Julian

“Night,” I snorted softly, shaking my head.

I think my stomach twisted into knots.

For the first time, I asked someone what they might do for me.

Me.

I asked if peer reviewing a pre-print book was in their lane.

If someone might be interested in telling me if I'm lame.

Oh joy,

Oh gawd.

I could demotivate myself for a month or more if it ever went wrong.

Tried.

I think that's the word I've aptly put to show how much I've applied myself.

My body and health aren't always the best, but I do my best to keep it up.

I like to harken myself to some cheap steel that - I guess if it pooled water at my feet - the shiny exterior of my surface might tarnish and cheapen the esthétique of my value.

God dammit, I'm so exhausted.

I'm not cheap.

For fucks sake.

I've got about the knowledge of a good chunk of people put together, and the fortitude and skill to get more done than a lot of my peers, but I am not boundless.

If only so many people understood how much work I put in to get their stuff done, keep their stuff up, or make it a reality.

I am so... very exhausted.

For all the porousness of my skin, I might flake off bits of myself, eroding into this weathering world.

I cannot, for the life of me crack that stupid smile on my face without there being a hint of sarcasm to it. The mirthlessness of it is getting to me.

Making me cynical again.

Oh god, but if I had to pay the trolls toll, I might be in for a folly.

Hearing a man bitch a thing or two about how the work I put in isn't that crazy.

(mutters) He'd sooner bitch than tell me the honest truth, though from time to time he admits what's real.

Hell. I have to admit what's real.

The reality of hell.

The reality of the corniness of paperwork and all the travesties of how far we can put a label on 'I don't like them' to the point of self-mutilation by gimping oneself from growth.

I'm talking my country.

My men.

My home and the people who seek value that they mean to add to their life.

To the women who mean to bring community action and bridge the connections, without the hell they peg down on those that cause strife.

Fuck it all.

Fuck it all to hell.

I'm sure you'll probably see this on the news somewhere.

If I make notoriety for myself.

But the world has lost its ever loving mind.

And the nation is shaking on divide,

brothers and sisters, he said- she said.

Oh who's the most divine?

No one is.

No one is special.

Not even me.

I'm only a tier above a couple people. Maybe two or three.

I heard him,

teeth grinding on teeth until they clicked.

His jaw jerked, and I internally cringed.

A child, small, and bright, with a sort of cubic-shape was pressing his mouth into a thin line and grinding his new teeth away.

I think my stomach twisted something sick.

My ears keep hearing the incessant click.

Poor boy.

He's probably got Bruxism, and if he doesn't now, he might later.

I love him all the same.

No pacifier is to blame.

He doesn't like them.

He doesn't want them.

He will not chew on anything else.

I guess Bruxism is his solution to cutting teeth.

If only I could have him adopt some other method.

Some form of thing that's easier to break.

I think I sipped at the black tea,

taking in the precariousness of my situation.

To say I was in deep, was an understatement.

My attack plan?

Complete and total blatant procrastination.

Not good enough.

Not going to be quality.

I'm not skilled enough at this.

Sure as shit, I put it off. It's almost been a year now.

God, I feel like shit.

Sorry to the ones I promised.

Sorry to the ones I said I won't forget.

I didn't...

I just don't feel... good enough.

The more innate passions,

I'm not a kink-whore,

but I love a good dirty talk when it's hinting a factored galore.

Check out the gallery,

The pictures are painted just right.

After dark, plus 18.

Whatever makes it feel right.

Call it closeted.

I don't fucking care.

I just like the expression,

the connection of relationships.

Their touch and feel, not the dispair.

I'm in love with love,

in fever with passion, and

I guess that's not much of a fan faire.

It's a lull,

a dichotomy to my true character.

I like the restraint of my usual day to day affairs.

I am not pressed to be lusterous,

but I like the allure.

It's the opposite of me,

and I suppose opposites attract.

I can't really say if that tit for tat is really a fact.

If you can't hang,

there's the door.

If you can't,

there's the door.

I think we can all presume that the toxicity of the relationships we all abhor,

aren't the things that look like a true chore.

It's when the rawest form of emotions can have a light touch when we're irritated, but the meaning behind them is false.

Faux in that we aren't going to delve into the deeper meaning behind them,

they're just feelings and they're fleeting.

My love for you is heated passion,

so pretty and warm when our mouths meet.

Kisses, pressed lips on a scarred face.

I love you all the more,

in my mind, I expect you'll always want to know.

When I am leaving him for you?

When am I leaving a guy who seems toxic to you.

He's my passion, we fight for play.

If you can't hang,

there's the door.

The words we share between us aren't a chore.

They're just an empty rage, for minor irritations,

I'm a loud kind of girl.