When does hell start?

Some times I wonder if we don't have to die in order to go to hell. If only we have to sleep, because sleeping is a form of death, is it not? What if hell is all the nightmares I have? What if hell is coming to me early because I only wish to sleep?

I find myself covered in sweat, drenched. Gasping, remembering the pain and tears and fear I have in my dreams. I remember everything. From voices, whispers, and colors. It's all there, stored away in my head.

What if hell is what I see in my head? The images I am faced with, the memories that come to mind. The voices of people whispering in my ear, but they're not actually there. Only the pain that they left, and the memory I can't seem to let go of. Trapped in a hell made by myself.

What if hell is the attacks that come every day? When I'm gasping for breath, deeply wishing I had a way to get rid of them. I hear every noise around me and freak out. Terror shaking my bones.

What of hell is fear? The fear that makes me paralyzed, to paralyzed to run or hide. One that leaves me completely exposed to the world. One I have to try my hardest to hide, even though I really can't hide it at all.

What if hell is the world I made for myself? The body I am in? What if there is no escaping this, and I have to live on through it?