Suckfest (Julian Chapter 5 Full)

I don’t think I remembered how long I stayed up in the office before Sin drove me home. They forced me to leave after I picked up something for Willow while Florence stayed behind with her.

A part of me wanted to ask and make sure she made it home alright, but that was kind of out of my hands. I shut the front door behind me, leaning back against it as my legs shook. I was feeling shaky all over.

“Julian?” I heard my mother call out for me.

I didn’t have the heart to answer her. Instead, I slid down to the floor and shakily put my head against my arm as I curled up against the door. “Fuh,” I breathed, feeling my body start to amp up until the shakiness became hard shudders.

“You want to talk about it?” My dad’s voice broke over the silence and I jolted, looking up quickly. He was leaning against the wall casually, his expression the ever calm, non-judgmental figure he always was.

Wincing, I looked back down. “I… really messed up,” I told him as I pulled my hand up to the top of my head, keeping it down. “And– I got in a lot of trouble for it.”

I heard my father let out a soft sigh. “What happened?”

I blinked, and tensed for a moment before letting out a huge sigh. “I took off,” I told him, feeling pretty ashamed. “I got in an argument with my mentor, and took off on her. We didn’t really go over much because I— couldn’t really get myself to stop talking for a second and just listen. I ended up almost getting this person killed.”

“That sounds about right,” my dad snorted before walking over to the couch.

“Thanks for the words of encouragement,” I muttered under my breath before slowly getting up from the floor to walk towards the kitchen. Damn, I was tired. “They’re going to be keeping her overnight. I guess, they’ll probably have to alter her brother’s memories since I had her send out that stupid text,” I breathed. “But… she’s going to be alright. I just almost got an earful from Red, and Sin wasn’t too happy with me either.”

“Do you think that's unreasonable?”

“No,” I told him quickly. “I royally effed up. It was… almost a lot worse, so I’d say they’re right to be upset.”

“It was your first time, Julian. How did you expect it to go?” Dad asked, his tone even.

“I don’t know,” I groaned, closing my eyes. “I honestly thought it would be a lot more embarrassing, but instead it just ended up being more terrifying than anything.” I admitted. “I nearly ended this poor girl’s life, and then I admitted a lot of things to her because I felt bad that I was scaring the shit out of her.” Thinking of her as a woman was the last thing on my mind right now, but every time I wanted to, it just drove home how kid-like I felt. We were the same age… or had to be, and as far as I felt right now… We were both just kids playing in the shallow end of the pool hoping to cross over to the deep end, and she was just as unfortunate, if not more so than I was in this situation.

“You didn't kill her, and from this experience, you now know how to prevent this situation from happening again.”

I wasn't sure about that. “How did you communicate to Mom that it was too much?” I asked quietly, turning to look back at the couch.

I carefully grabbed the phone charger and plugged my phone in before stepping into the living room then slowly came to sit next to him.

Dad let out a hard breath. “My situation was very different from yours.”

I wasn't sure what to say to that. It felt like I was sort of taking a stab in the dark. I ran my hands over my pants, my palms feeling itchy. “I-” My resolve sort of went with it. What little of it that I had at least. “My mentor said not to get attached,” I told him. “I'm afraid of what will happen if I try to do this with someone else. I want to follow what she says, but… I have so many disagreements.”

Dad watched me for a moment and I felt so exposed under his gaze. For a second, I didn't think he was going to say anything, but then he spoke up. “It’s a difficult decision to make, and one that shouldn't be made lightly. Humans aren't… conducive to our way of life. They're fragile and easily manipulated. Your sister learned this lesson the hard way.” I looked at him, seeing his expression become sad. “She wasn't trying to punish you by telling you to distance yourself.”

It came off so much different when he put it that way. I only wished I got that same concept when she said it. Instead, it sounded like a death sentence to get attached.

“You just met her. You've no way of knowing if you're going to turn her, or if she'll even be capable of being a vampire.”

“I don't want to turn her. I wanted to get to know her more first… She seemed like an okay person and then after a while, I really didn't want to hurt her. I was just going to walk her home, and then— she got scared.” My throat tightened. “I didn't like seeing that look on her face and I hated the lies building up, so I told her a lot… to try to make her calmer, but instead she got really upset when I told her I was just going to take the memories away after so she could go back to her life.” I closed my eyes tightly. “I don't want her to get hurt, but I feel really awful after seeing how scared she was. If that's the look they all make…” I didn't want to do it again.

“It’s not always like that. This is why you should have taken the help given to you, which I’m sure you will now that you’ve gotten a taste of how delicate the situation is.”

I grumbled a little under my breath, but accepted the reality of it.

“You’re not going to have all the answers right now. And this isn’t something that can just be explained and understood. You have to experience it and learn. I’m not going to tell you to stay away from the girl, but…” His gaze hardened on me. “I’m going to tell you that whatever you choose, you will have to live with the outcome, whatever it may be. Can you do that?”

I nodded slowly. “It doesn't sound like I have much choice,” I told him quietly. It made me wonder how many people my mom had bitten over the years before settling with my dad. Tentatively, my gaze dropped to my hands as I kept trying to wipe them on my jeans. “I'm not in a hurry to try to turn anyone,” I admitted. It sounded like a lot of responsibility and I didn't want to try to lead someone when I didn't know much myself. “And I still would rather let her have her life instead of me making any split second decisions. Mom had a lot to tell me about how it can royally mess someone up, turning them and— I don't want to take her from who she's got in her life. We barely know each other.”

“It can, but there's a lot of unknowns. I'm not advocating you turning anyone. You're young and still learning, but it's yours and her choice.”

I nodded. I agreed with that. “Would you have willingly turned if you and Mom met under different circumstances?” I asked, curious. “I mean… knowing what it's like now. With a hindsight bias.” I just wanted to know the difference… if it was even worth it all at, because Florence's words echoed in the back of my head naggingly. Monster. I shuddered, swallowing the knot in my throat.

Dad thought about the words quietly, the silence dragging on for a moment. “Yes, I think I would have, especially knowing what I know now.” He sounded so sure of his answer. “I gained much more than I lost, and given all of the hardship… I wouldn't really change anything.”

I relaxed a little. It didn't sound so bad then. “It was just really alarming in the moment then,” I mumbled, thinking about it. Thinking back in the hours prior, it had… felt good. Having fresh, unpackaged blood. Tasting the caffeine in her system and getting the little high from it made me feel so much more okay with the lack of coffee I could have drank previously. “Her blood tasted really caffeinated,” I said to him then. “I liked it.”

Dean snorted and shook his head. “You and your damn coffee,” he rolled his eyes, but he had a smile on his face.

My skin flushed warmly as I laughed a little. “I really like the taste.” I admitted, smiling wider. “Florence wanted me to give her alcohol, and I think I'm glad I didn't.” I breathed out slowly. “I don't think I would have liked the taste as much.”

“That’s fair. I think her point was that if the girl had been a little off center, it might have been easier to not frighten her,” Dad said, trying to achoose his words carefully.

“Yeah…” I wheezed. “But who knows how it would have changed the way her blood tasted.” I perked up a little at the thought. “Maybe if I do get good at it, I can just find people who don't need to drink and I can just–” I stopped and looked at him, feeling my nerves rise up. “Not… Have to taste alcohol. Especially if they'd drink or eat the stuff I like.” My voice went a little quieter. I didn't care much for alcohol, but there were a few things I liked already. “Then I don't have to work around the infused stuff anymore. It'll be kind of like a reverse… kind of.” I didn't think I would be tasting caramel off anyone, but maybe the sweetness of it would have an effect.

Dean laughed. “Maybe, that will be a lot more work on your part then,” Dad said before getting up. “Get some rest, glutton. Maybe you can go see the girl tomorrow night.”

“Sure,” I told him. “I think I'd like that.” I got up too, going the opposite way of my dad as I walked to the hall. Briefly, I turned back, and I noticed my mom leaning against the stairs just about halfway down. My brows rose, my face turning a little red and I turned to go towards my room as I heard my mom start to talk to my dad.

How long was she there?

I didn't know. I wasn't sure I wanted to, but I shut my door behind me before staring at my bed. Man, it felt good to be at home. My phone was off and in the kitchen, out of reach so I could just tune it out and I glanced at my closed laptop. I loved the simplicity of it all. Stepping up to the wall mount, I turned my monitor on before flopping back down on my bed. My hand roved over to my nightstand for my wireless keyboard before I pulled it onto my lap to type onto the screen. I pulled up some music, started off from my last playlist and leaned back to relax.