don’t come back

even as a shadow, even as a dream

but he comes back

as a nightmare, as a memory

we eat dinner at a restaurant, it's midday

and he orders dessert that doesn't exist

'a watermelon muffin'

it looks awful and artificial, no wonder

i don't have one

it's stale, the last one at the grocery store

somehow we're there too

food, being yelled at and underdressed

it's all the same

the waiter asks, 'what's the occasion?' as we're leaving

i say, 'five years together, one and a half no longer'

and he's mad at me in the car

for saying that, but i'm also mad

he wants to shower together in my filthy college apartment

we're on the way to and from there, like always

i ask him, 'did you sleep with her this morning or did you break up?'

because those are the only two options in that car, at that time

he calls her 'diabetes girl' when he admits he slept with her

it's less derogatory than anything he calls me

or other women, more odd than anything else

'diabetes girl' is still his girlfriend, i learn

i have a girlfriend too somehow

who i don't like very much

she reminds me of him because she's taller than me

and wants to sleep with me in my childhood bedroom

the walls are still lime green. i must be younger than i am back then.

i say, 'no thank you'

no one showers

i wake up sweating