Police Report 2025-03-18-15:30

Awaiting ambulance to transport assailant (victim?) from Albertsons parking lot to county morgue.

According to witnesses, Subject A was walking from the store, carrying a bag of groceries, when Subject B approached him. The situation quickly escalated when both subjects began trading barbs.

According to Subject A, Subject B claimed to have a concealed weapon and demanded money.

Witnesses did not corroborate Subject A's statement.

According to witnesses, Subject A set his bag of groceries on the ground. When he rose, he grabbed from the bag a head of celery by the stalks and swung it at subject B's head. The force of the blow knocked Subject B to the ground. After Subject B fell, Subject A continued to beat Subject B's head with the celery.

Subject A corroborates the witness statements.

When we arrived on the scene, Subject A was still standing above Subject B with the bloodied remains of a head of celery in his right hand. Subject B's head was beaten beyond recognition. We confirmed that Subject B is deceased. No weapons were found on Subject B, but he had a carrot in each front pocket of his jacket.

We are taking Subject A into custody and charging him with battery, murder, and illicit and disproportional use of a head of celery as a weapon of defense (offense?). Subject A does not have a concealed celery license.

3/18/2025