Suicide letter

Dear Whoever finds this

I tried. 

I really did. But nothing was helping. 

I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel the happiness, the sadness or the inbetweens of life. I was empty. I was once full of life and love, I was once happy and able to feel the sun. I was able to laugh and smile and dance. But when the laughing stopped and the smile faded, where were you mom? Where were you dad? 

You were busy. You called me a liar when I said I needed help. You told me to get out of my head, to stop pretending and grow up. You said fake a smile and after a while you just may trick yourself into believing it. But I didn't. After that I stopped trying, I stopped going to you, I just faked a smile for you while dying inside.

I guess I want to tell you about this one thing that sent me over the edge. The one day that changed everything, but it was never just one day. It was today, it was yesterday, it was the yesterdays before yesterday. It would have been tomorrow too, but I can't handle tomorrow anymore than I could handle today.

You might write on my tombstone that I died today, but really I died a long time ago. Just no one cared enough to see. I was gone and no one knew. A shadow of who I once was. 

As I write this I want you to know that I'm not in pain. I feel nothing, but I've also come to learn that nothing is worse than everything else. Pain makes us human. I don't feel pain. I just see red. As it drips down my arm I find myself fading in and out of consciousness. In and out of life and death. 

I'm sorry.