for you.
The beautiful pain of wanting someone you can never have
You’re the sun, you breathe life and light everywhere and anywhere you go
And I’m the moon, I see you, I feel you but I can never be with you.
The moon dies every night to give the sun light and life.
I would die a thousand deaths if it meant you were happy
Suicide letter
Dear Whoever finds this
I tried.
I really did. But nothing was helping.
I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel the happiness, the sadness or the inbetweens of life. I was empty. I was once full of life and love, I was once happy and able to feel the sun. I was able to laugh and smile and dance. But when the laughing stopped and the smile faded, where were you mom? Where were you dad?
You were busy. You called me a liar when I said I needed help. You told me to get out of my head, to stop pretending and grow up. You said fake a smile and after a while you just may trick yourself into believing it. But I didn't. After that I stopped trying, I stopped going to you, I just faked a smile for you while dying inside.
I guess I want to tell you about this one thing that sent me over the edge. The one day that changed everything, but it was never just one day. It was today, it was yesterday, it was the yesterdays before yesterday. It would have been tomorrow too, but I can't handle tomorrow anymore than I could handle today.
You might write on my tombstone that I died today, but really I died a long time ago. Just no one cared enough to see. I was gone and no one knew. A shadow of who I once was.
As I write this I want you to know that I'm not in pain. I feel nothing, but I've also come to learn that nothing is worse than everything else. Pain makes us human. I don't feel pain. I just see red. As it drips down my arm I find myself fading in and out of consciousness. In and out of life and death.
I'm sorry.
My heart is my enemy
It makes me feel, it makes me care
But I don't want to care anymore.
I don't want to love you anymore.
I can't fall for you.
I can't be that girl who falls in loves her best friend
Especially after turning you down,
After turning you away,
After telling you, no.
But here I am
Too scared to make a move,
Too scared to have you turn me down the way I turned you down
It's not knowing how you feel that makes me insecure
I hide my feelings
I hide my heart
You tried to give me everything
and I gave you nothing back
I couldn't give you my love
I couldn't give you my smile
Now it's me with the secret
It's me with my heart dangling precariously close to the edge
It's me too scared to do anything but wait
Wait until I fall out of love with you
Why can't falling out of love be as easy as falling in love?
Why can't this secret of the heart fade
Why can't this be nothing
Why can't we go back
To before when things weren't complicated
what if?
what if love isn't enough?
what if it's not enough to make you stay?
what if it's the reason you cry at night?
what if it makes your heart bend and break?
what if it makes you feel lonely?
what if you love them and they just don't love you anymore?
what if you love them, but can't leave them?
what if you leave them, but still love them?
what if you leave and they chase you only to have your love lost again?
what if love isn't enough?
who am i?
Is it possible to love someone so much,
that it makes you question who you were before them?
That you can't even think of what life will be like after them,
because everything you are is because of them.
And even the idea of being without them is unthinkable,
you can't even fathom the idea.
Without them,
you are not you.
You are not anyone.
You are lost,
and only they can find you.
Pain
Sometimes the pain is worth it,
sometimes it's necessary.
Sometimes it's exactly what you need,
exactly what you want.
Cause pain means something doesn't it?
Pain means something was there before,
even if there's nothing left now.
Pain is temporary.
Pain will fade.
Just as the memories,
of what caused that pain will fade.
You caused my pain.
You will fade.