Years ago. When I had a reason for stupid faith.

I listen to your voice through the static on the phone. Distance defies the desperation in your voice.

I don't know where he is? He was... with...he...I don't know where he is.

I shake my head as I watch him play on thr pier. He looks at back at me never questions the conversation. His little swimmers droop and he's pleading for the water.

I don't know I say. And hang up the phone. Because he's running in my direction. Holding the straps of a toddlers life preserver in his hands. I buckle him up and watch as he fearlessly jumps in. "I'm Batman" I laugh as I ease my way into the Cumberland river.

Two weeks ago you were too high to care and he was scared. He smelled of jack daniels and weed and urine. In a dirty shirt with a dirty face.

His eyes had widened when I walked in. The apartment was rank with the scent of beer and cheap whickey and vomit. A frat party scene with my boy in his diaper.

I had picked him up and for a moment there was mild protest as I walked away. 2 weeks later you realize he's gone and something amazing happened inside my head....I didn't care that you were sad, worried, crying. I cared that he was happy. He's jumping off Noah's Dock and he's smiling and safe. I didn't care about you in that moment.

Too old too fall for this

The names have all changed but it's all the same.

Static through the state lines and your voice. Feigning concern. Did he like the ocean? Did he see the waves?

Do you wanna to your mother lil man? He looks at the castle in the sand and back at me. I guna dance at a weddin.

I've taken pictures I say and I'll send them to your Mama.

I love you you say. And right now I don't care and so I go silent. Dont do this.

What? I say. Fill in for you? And it's thr end and I know it. Because I can't respect a pathetic bitch.

So I hang up the phone and your son takes my hand. And my heart breaks with every step but his excitement and the wonder in his eyes makes it all go away.

And all I can hope is that he'll remember the waves, the first flight, the sandcastles and the wedding dance. And that one day he'll know I never left him.

You're all the same only the names change