i’m still not sure if it’s just how you love or how you knew you could get away with “loving” me

I'm so incredibly tired of you trying to act like you love me and you care about me when in reality you never did. well? maybe one time you did. I have not yet been able to isolate the moment in which you transformed from the sweet young girl that broke me out of my shell of loneliness and trouble making friends to the person that broke my heart and managed to abuse me day after day for over a year and I swear I can not remember the last time I looked into your charming blue eyes and recognized the person I saw.

there's a quote from the great gatsby, it's about falling in love but I always felt that it almost too perfectly fit our so heartbreaking tragedy of a history. and don't worry, I couldn't help but remember it as one of your favorites (we both know I was always too good at remembering; or maybe it was that I was too good at listening and you too good at talking about yourself) "I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." and it is sad but true, I was so deep in the sad excuse for love we had that I was blinded to what was going on, and by the second I realized I could no longer escape. and I was trapped in your thin but surprisingly strong arms for so long that now I can never forget it and the damage that you have caused can never be undone. so are you happy with yourself? are you proud of what you've done? you know I defended you day after day when my friends could not stand the sound of your name coming off of my lips. tried to convince my family you were a nice girl (at the same time maybe trying to convince myself as well.) I stood up for you, against the people that truly cared about me. for what? a kiss. one small kiss, one small moment where your lips slammed into mine. a moment that I thought would bring me so much happiness, but in the end only brought me satisfaction for about 15 minutes then tore me down more than it ever couldve brought me up. truly my 15 minutes of fame huh? or, were they yours?