Hi. My name is pro_scribbler. I am currently a freshman in college studying English and Theatre. I made my Prose account sometime in May of 2019, I believe. I'm not sure. I hope someday to make myself proud of the person I've become. I write sometimes, and sometimes I write on Prose. Life's been really busy for me lately, so I haven't really had time to try producing writing good enough to go public with it.

But hey, I'm still writing a little bit, and that's better than nothing. :)

Happiness is a warmth. It has varying intensities, but it is some type of warming sensation.

It's the color teal, a mix between blue and green, producing a calm yet bright color.

It tastes like chocolate, milk chocolate—dark chocolate is too bitter, milk chocolate is sweet and smooth when it swirls in your mouth or goes down your throat.

It feels like that one type of hug when the person hugging you just keeps holding you tighter and doesn't let go and you don't want to let go and you just feel safe and at peace for the first time in a while.

It's hearing a person's laugh, and you start laughing because they are laughing, and so you're both laughing and you won't stop laughing for some time.

It's just the little things that make you smile and get you through the day.

I am doing okay. Halfway through first college semester, and am already doing well in the theatre department: got cast in our first production as a lead, and am serving as the stage manager for a senior show. I am worried about money, but I am working hard to keep my grades up to maintain scholarships. Not getting enough sleep, but then again, who is?

But overall, I'm enjoying my life much more now than I was a year ago.

Hey guys.

So for those of you who remember my struggle with depression and suicide about this time last year?

You were right.

It did get better.

My mom and I had a mother-daughter sleepover at a hotel by ourselves in April, where I opened up to her about my problems, and she actually listened. It hurt, and I don’t think I’ve cried that hard in front of my mom since I was seven (and she cried a lot too), but I felt so much better after. And our relationship improved drastically after that. Not fixed, but improved enough where I don’t feel like I want to cut my family out of my life. So that’s good.

I graduated high school. I never thought I could do it, but there I was on May 21, 2021, walking down the aisle in a cap and gown to get my diploma. I also received an award for excellence in visual arts (theatre, graphic design, and traditional art), which was the plot twist of the year for me.

I performed in both mine and my school’s first-ever musical! It was The Wizard of Oz, and I was cast as the Scarecrow! A lead role! I sang as a tenor (I’m a girl) because I wanted to perform it as close to a guy as I could (did pretty well, according to everyone who saw me perform), extending my lowest note from a low E to a low D, royally surprising my school’s choir director.

I figured out what college I’m going to, and what I’m studying! I’ll be double-majoring in English and Theatre! Not only that, but I applied for and got accepted into the school’s Honors Program! And even better than that, I received a vocal and theatre scholarship that covers over a third of my tuition! And the theatre scholarship they gave me was the highest amount they give out!

My parents are both now very supportive of my study path. At first, my dad thought I should also study Education so I can be an English teacher as a backup, and I was planning on doing that, but then I learned I can’t do a triple major in the Honors Program at my school, and I didn’t want to drop the theatre major to a minor. So I hemmed and hawed, and I stressed about it cause I didn’t feel like I’d be a good English teacher. So then my mom came up to me in May and said, “Your dad and I have been talking and praying, and we think you should drop the Education major.” They saw how successful I’ve already been in theatre and writing contests, and they now believe that I will be able to more than make a living in theatre and authoring. I swear I was on an emotional high for a full week after that comment.

My parents are also trying to connect to my passions! My mom bought me pro-shot recordings of Cats, Les Mis, and Phantom of the Opera for Christmas, and watched all three of them with me. My dad sat through Cats! My mom watched Hamilton with me! She watched Wicked bootlegs with me at the hotel in April! And she wants to watch Newsies next! She’s even willing to watch Rent! :D

On August 21, I will be moving into my dorm. And I’m excited. Last year at this time, probably this exact day, I was dreading college, talking with my parents, everything. I wanted to die.

I thank God that He kept me alive.

I still struggle. Intrusive thoughts, nihilism, and apathy still like to vibe check me every couple of days, cause the world still feels like it’s spiraling out of control, but I’m working on relying more on God, making more of an effort to build my faith and make it my own, and asking Him to help me keep going.

I just want to say thank you again to you lot. I looked back on the posts you guys left in that challenge almost every day I was struggling, and they helped encourage me. I owe the position I’m in now to you guys. This website really is special.

Thanks <3

-profscribbler

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who left a post on my recent challenge and/or shot me a message. I really, truly appreciate you all taking the time to reach out and try to help me.

When I first found Prose, I thought it was just another writing website. But every time I read posts and see people engaging with each other in the comments, I can see how Prose is more than a simple writing website. It's a tight-knit community that cares about all of its members; it's a family.

When I made that challenge, I was really nervous because it was the first time talking to anyone about my problems. I did not expect so many people being willing to help me, to which, again, I am very grateful.

Speaking of the challenge, the general consensus was for me to talk to my parents, or at least someone I trust. So... I'm gonna try and talk to my mom about it. Today I asked her if she would like to go out for breakfast sometime so we could talk. She said that would be nice. So that's my plan for right now. Not exactly sure what I'm gonna say, but I have time to at least make a list of things I should bring up while I have her complete attention.

Thank you all so much for helping me and pushing me closer to a better, happier me. I owe you guys a lot. :)

Expectation is based on past experiences. You sense a pattern, and so you predict a result that corresponds with that pattern. To expect is to be practical.

Want is based on evolution. Wants are not needs; you can live without wants, yet wants will help you achieve new heights and become something more than you are now. To want is to desire growth.

Hope is based on things you cannot control. You hope for a bright future, for love, for your friend to make it home from work safely, even though there is nothing you can do to affect the outcome. To hope is to trust others.

Dreams are based in your mind. You see yourself accomplishing something, no matter how impossible, and your heart yearns for it, and you are willing to reach for it and make it possible. To dream is to be optimistic.

Beneath my confidence

is a self-conscious coward.

Underneath my empathy

is an apathetic narcissist.

Hiding in my optimism

is a nihilistic abyss.

Concealed within my comedy

is a horrific tragedy.

Who am I really?

I am a demon

posing as a human.

Last night, I finally decided what my dream house is: an old, broken-down theatre.

I will buy that theatre, even if it takes me fifty years to pay for it.

I will fix it up bit by bit, restoring it to its former glory.

I will live in that theatre for the rest of my life. I will wander around in it, pondering its vast history. I will be surrounded by the spirits of great artists who poured their life force into the time they spent in this theatre. I will spend hours exploring it. And you better believe that I will stand on the stage and sing every Broadway song I know at full volume because damn it, I bought a theatre, and I can do what I want in it. I will have a very happy life in that theatre.

But let's take it a step further.

I will rent this theatre to community theatre troupes. They can even live in the theatre if they want to while they rehearse and perform, it's a theatre, of course there's enough room for your whole cast and crew. Just clean up after yourself and don't break anything.

I will watch their rehearsals and attend their shows.

I will write with the echos of fellow artists singing, speaking, living, pouring through and being absorbed into the theatre.

I will get to know all the actors and crew members.

I will act in such a way that when they think back on their time in my theatre, they will remember me as a benevolent yet eccentric landlady who never quite enforced the rent due dates and always managed to show up at a rehearsal and sing whatever song they were practicing and always kept losing her pencils in her hair and would write random information on her arm and sometimes would make them all soup after a performance.

But I can go even further.

I will offer rooms to homeless people. It doesn't matter if a troupe is here or not, I still have room because it's a theatre, I could fit a small army in here if I wanted to.

I will give them a place to stay, free of charge.

I will offer them warm food and ask them for their shoe size and what size clothing they wear, then run to Walmart or whatever store nearby sells clothes and buy them some.

I will help them hunt for apartments and jobs, if they so desire or require.

I will let them stay as long as they need to, no strings attached.

And so, there is my dream house, accompanied by my ideal future.

Of course, I'm doing okay!

Why wouldn't I be?

I'm me!

The always happy, always optimistic ball of energy!

I'm not sad! I'm never sad! I can't be sad!

I'm as happy as could be!

Of course, I'm telling the truth!

No, I really am telling the truth.

Stop pushing it.

I don't want to talk about it.

You wouldn't understand.

You never do.

No one ever does.

And that's fine.

I know I'm cursed in that way.

At least I can talk to myself about it.

Cause I won't judge me.

So just drop it, okay?

I told you I'm fine.

That's the only answer you're going to get from me,

because I can't explain any of my other answers.

Like I said,

you wouldn't understand.

So just take my word for it:

I'M FINE.