Control was his savior

Control was his killer

He pulled strings

Strings pulled him.

Blood pooled from his wristsShe

Where he dug in his nails, screaming silently.

Why couldn’t he just let go?

Why couldn’t he just let the world go on

And let go of her.

She was too wonderful

Too beautiful

Too loving

To let go of her.

But he had to.

She had a new life.

Let go, he told himself.

She left you.

Let.

Her.

Go.

But he couldn’t.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to as soon as he set eyes on her.

He had stalled for too long, he knew that.

He tried to think about something else.

Snowglobes

Notebooks

Glue

But all he could see

Was her face.

And he knew it.

Control was his savior

Control was his killer.

She was a control freak.

Just... not in the way you’d expect.

She wasn’t itching to fix a flaw in her plan.

The truth was, she was fine with the mess.

As a matter of fact, she often caused it.

What she controlled...

Manifested red black and blue.

Thin lines on his arms.

A bruise shown anew.

Impulsive, yet calculated.

He was her masterpiece.

His world to her liking.

She led the dance,

I think that’s why he forgave her...

Because deep down, he knew

She was lost

And I think so was he.

The control that we saw entrap him

Made him feel free.

She is hardly a woman now. Her young eyes gaze upon a screen, focused, unmoving. Her skin illuminated by the bright computer monitor in front of her. The room is dark, and the only noise is her hands clicking on the mouse in desperation.

The screen lights up as she clicks on the testing icon. The first question flashes in black lettering before giving her one minute for an answer.

<< What is your name? >>

She types slowly, << Natalia Peters >>

She had spent a long time picking that name, scrolling through the name list for hours. She ended up picking Natalia on a whim, thinking it sounded pretty. She knew no one of the name, though she didn’t know very many people so far. No one with a name anyway.

The second question is up, << What is your Age? >>

She wants to laugh, it must have been a joke. Or simply a test to make sure the test takers knew exactly what they were doing. Everyone takes the test at the same age.

<< 18 >>

Natalia is eighteen years old and is just being given a name, a name chosen by her which makes it more promising. Before the test she was simply Student 099. She was the 99th person born in her year. Before she was classified as a student at the age of four, she was Child 099. That is how all people are raised here. Everyone’s big day is the test. The system has a way of knowing which are worthy to move on the next stage of the life cycle.

The test and the system were created in the year 0, 146 years ago. It was created by the Association, and the reasons behind this society is success and societal happiness. Natalia never questioned it. As she was raised it was implied that no one should ever, under any circumstance, question the Association.

The third question is up. << What is the highest rated skill on your Student graduation document? >>

<< Problem Solving >> She types, only glancing at the other document.

<< Second highest skill? >>

<< Creativity, Exploration thinking. >>

Natalia remembers yesterday, graduation. 200 students received their document, informing them of all they would need for the Test. It was their personality and knowledge levels listed separately. She knows that it is what the Association uses to determine what Work a person will do and where a person should be placed in the society.

Natalia remembers Teacher 003 as he handed her the results. He was an older man, accustomed to the system and its ways. He gave her the page slowly, as if trying to conserve their last interaction. He looked sad, his lip quivered, and his eyes showed a small sense of fear. He tried to hide it and swallow his guilt. He did something, something so strange for a teacher. He hugged her. It was a sensation Natalia had not felt since she left her early parental units. The warmth of a human embrace was something Natalia never thought she would cherish so much. It brought a smile to her face even though she knew Teacher 003 would receive light punishment for the action. She couldn’t understand why he did that, why he looked that way.

<< Lowest level skill? >>

<< Mathematics >>

<< Do you have a preferred work placement? List only one. >>

She had thought about this a long while too. Her interests seemed to be everywhere but nowhere with pride. She never wanted to be a teacher, or a mathematician, scientist, or doctor. She liked to doodle and learn. She especially enjoyed stories and interacting with others. Alas the work Artist died out long ago and there is only ever three Historians in the society at a time. All three of those positions are currently filled.

She typed the only thing she could think of, << Librarian >>

<< Please list a work assignment that would be displeasing. List only one. >>

This was easy, << Scientist >> sure there are other displeasing work assignments such at peace keeper and waste manager. But she was sure she did not have a chance of receiving those jobs. If she did it would not be the worst.

A set of blue letters flashes across the screen, << This is the last question. Are you prepared? >>

She selected the box what read, yes. She thought that this was another silly question.

The last question appears. She sucks in a nervous breath as she reads, << Should the society undergo changes? If so, please list them. >>

She types shakily, thinking quickly, she only has the minute.

<< We should have more ways to be creative, students should have more free time, we should pick names earlier, we should learn more about the association. >>

The screen goes dark for a couple of seconds. The computer analyses her results. Natalia’s palms go sweaty, all she can hear is the sound of her own hear, pounding rapidly in her ears.

The screen is plain white again. Words appear, words that should not have been possible.

<< Student 099, you have failed. Prepare to be terminated. >>

Her eyes widen and she stands quickly. The chair falls behind her and the lock on the plain steel door clicks shut. Natalia stumbles to the door, pounding her fists down on it. Why did the door lock?

A foggy white mists flows out of the vents, the horrid smell fills her nose.

Natalia can feel her mind fogging, she lets out a cry.

The last thing she hears is a voice over the intercom system. “Termination of Student 099 complete. Goodbye Natalia,”

Your silence cut deep into the flesh of my words,

Forcing the red ink to spill out onto white.

I was blind to your voice that ceased to be,

In darkness, their absence was desperate light.

Your inexistant gaze was a gun at my head,

Taunting in mocking silnce, it never did shoot.

Days I would cry for the bullet to come already,

Because the truthful pain was long overdue.

The traffic sped by as he stood on the edge of the road, whoosing and roaring as it did so. He closed his eyes, tears leaking as they squeezed together, disguised by his sunglasses. The cruel, unfeeling world that pushed him towards this point flooded his mind, steeling his resolve to take the next step, one which would place him in the path of the oncoming vehicles. A truck barrelled its way forwards in the distance, he’d found his most likely saviour. One moment of pain to extinguish a lifetime of it. He closed his eyes again. This time, it pushed faces into his minds-eye. His brother, the one who’d looked up to him his entire life. His parents, who’d supported him no matter what. His friends, the shoulders to cry on and the laughs they’d shared. He pictured them mourning, questioning themselves as to why they werent able to help. How could he do this to them? His eyes flicked open, the truck sped by, blissfully unaware of his change of heart. He turned, walking down the pavement, careful to avoid the dog excrement in his path. For now, at least, he wouldn’t hurt the ones he loved.

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness