Sometimes things are not what they appear,

People aren’t who we think they’ll be.

They might surprise you with their kindness

Or shock you with their greed.

We all live in the shadows.

The only escape from them is night,

When all the world is a shadow,

And there is not any light.

You think you find the light at the end of the tunnel,

And that everything will be okay,

Until all of your shadows

Follow you into day.

You make shadow puppets with your hands

And think it’s all quite fun

Until those very same shadows

Hide the monsters from the sun.

The problem here is this,

You can never truly be free.

Because the only place without shadows,

Is where light cannot be.

I have to keep running, keep moving, keep pushing,

Because if I don’t, the demons catch up.

Every thought burns like fire in my chest,

And I concentrate on running

I go and go and go…

My body begins to protest,

But my mind remains focused,

Because it knows the pain of failure.

When I have to stop, and my body just won’t run any more,

And I’m forced to confront my demons,

I try to drown them in the sweet poison

That kills me along with them.

Because how can you ever escape your demons

When they live inside of you?

Nice Girls Finish Last:

The Cycle of the Woman Who Gives Everything, For Nothing

He’s cute. AND he likes me.

I’m not sure why, but he does.

He’s having a hard time right now…

So lending him my extra money can’t hurt.

After all, we’re a team now.

He needs a babysitter,

So I volunteer

Now he’s angry.

I’m sure it’s my fault.

I’ll do everything I can to make it better.

I caught him with another woman.

It must be because I didn’t satisfy him enough.

My fault, my fault.

I realize I’m unhappy.

I finally convince myself to leave.

Both more broken and broke than before….

But look.

He’s cute. AND he likes me.

I’m not sure why, but he does.

He’s having a hard time right now…

Loneliness, the most versatile of emotions.

Your weary heart can ache and burn 

or you can just feel numb.

You can hurt.

You can be empty. 

The loneliness may subside in company...

or grow when drowning in the same.

It can be impossible to appease,

or vanish with a simple greeting.

But the worst kind of loneliness

is when you are surrounded by people

but you still are alone.  

"I'm starting to miss who you were"

Veils are lifted, glass breaks

Don't you think I also miss her?

Too bad we learn from our mistakes.

Although the idea sounds quite nice,

I can never go back to that old me.

I know too much about the world and it's vice

to regain that peaceful tranquility.

Though I can't go back, there's another way

and it makes you wonder if

I were to cease to exist today

would I have been happy with this?

Undoing simply can't be done,

focus only on the future me.

Because no matter which battles I have won,

I can't go back to who I used to be. 

Strong does not mean unfeeling.

I feel every prick of guilt.

Every thought of you sends me spiraling into misery. 

I drown in tears,

the great pool of your loss.

But I don't go back. 

I almost wish you hated me for leaving.

I wish you cared enough to hate me.

But you never did.

And I know now that you never will.

You may think me weak for not staying, 

but I was just strong enough to leave.

You sucked my soul,

Because I gave you every bit of it.

You stole my sun,

Because I let you feel its warmth.

I showed you happiness,

You showed me misery.

I showed you love,

You repaid me with heartbreak.

Now all I ask, is how is this fair?

That your demons are now my burden to bear.

 Jack and I were sitting in the front room, waiting for Papa to get home from the village. It had been a few hours prior that Jack had knocked on my door, anxiety etched in every line of his face. We were his nearest neighbors, and Jack had nowhere else to turn when he came home from fishing to find his entire family missing. No sign of a struggle and absolutely no evidence as to where they had gone. I told Jack to come inside, because I was sure Papa would know what to do. Unfortunately for the both of us, Papa was late.

It wasn’t unusual for him to be late returning from the village. The village was a good several hours walk away, which was way we didn’t go there often. He had to trade some of the vegetables we’d grown on the farm for some of the other staples we would need to survive the coming winter. Papa often stopped at the tavern to have a drink with some friends, because he saw them so rarely. I knew that was likely all that had happened, but the inexplicable disappearance of Jack’s family had me on edge.

We both started when the door creaked open. I waited, but no one entered. I rose to my feet and cautiously made my way to the door, unease and a strange sense of dread flooding through my body. I trembled, but forced myself to continue walking.

“What’s wrong?” Jack asked, slowly rising to his feet, as well.

I just shook my head, unsure why I was so terrified. When I reached the door, I could see no one outside. I took a small step out and called out in a choked whisper: “Papa?” There was no answer. I cleared my throat and tried again, more loudly. “Papa?” Silence.

By this time, Jack had joined me at the door. He looked around, just as I had, but his search was no more fruitful than my own. “Maybe there’s just something wrong with your door,” he shrugged, unconcerned, and I briefly allowed myself to be comforted. It was possible that the deadbolt that Papa had just replaced was faulty somehow. Unlikely, but possible.

“You’re probably ri-“ I began to agree with him but stopped short when I heard his quick intake of breath. I looked back at him, but his gaze was on the ground in front of me. He brushed past me and crouched, examining the glinting object on the ground. When he stood up, he held the pendant out to me, sudden comprehension in his face. I took a closer look and felt my heart begin to pound faster as I recognized the curving lines of the glittery skull smiling back at me.

There was fearful silence between us until, at last, Jack spoke.

“They’re here.”

Prologue

I hurtled through the forest, branches tearing into my skin, but I didn’t slow. My heart pounded in my chest, producing a roaring that rang in my ears. That wasn’t good. I needed my senses. I needed to know where they were. I heard the racing footsteps behind me and lengthened my strides, trying to outrun them, to outlast them. If they caught me, it would all be over, and I doubted it would be quick. I just had to go a little bit farther…

My breathing was coming in harsher pants now, but my body was ignoring my fatigue, fueled by the strength of my adrenaline. Giving up wasn’t an option. Though running was familiar to this body, fleeing wasn’t. My instincts screamed at me to turn around and fight. I had always been the hunter, never the hunted.

The scent I had been searching for reached my nose and I spun around to wait for my pursuers. I could hear them coming, crashing through the trees in a manner that said one of two things: either they were horrid hunters, or they were so strong that they didn’t care if I knew where they were. I could make out several large figures in the darkness through the trees. Several more figures stepped out of the darkness at my sides. In the distance, I heard a howl.

Chapter 1

I was bone tired by the time I left my job at Denny’s. I had been on my feet all day and my last table of the night consisted of a group of very drunk, very rude men who couldn’t even be bothered to leave a tip. I had to walk, too, because my car had just broken down and I didn’t have the money to fix it. It’s hard to make a living when you don’t have a college degree; it’s even harder when you’ve been living on your own since you were kicked out of your parents’ house at 16. I couldn’t really complain. Working at a restaurant, I always at least had something to eat, so things could definitely have been worse.

There was this guy that had been hanging around outside Denny’s for the past few nights. He’d come in, buy a Coke, sit at his table for a while, and then leave. Except, he didn’t really leave. He’d just sit outside and smoke. There was something about him that was just… intimidating. It wasn’t really his appearance, though. He was muscular, but not particularly buff or tall. He had a handsome enough face with spiky brown hair and dark brown eyes. He didn’t even appear to be much older than me, maybe 22 or 23. There was something in his manner that unnerved me. Maybe it was confidence… maybe it was the predatory way he watched his surroundings. Whatever it was, I didn’t like walking past him when I set out for home. I didn’t like him knowing that I was walking in the dark alone. But there was no helping it.

I attempted to leave through the back door a few times this past week, but it didn’t help. To get to my house, there would be some point where I was in his line of sight, and I knew he was watching. He was always watching, especially me. He’d sit in one of the corner booths, eyes following me as I moved from table to table. As I said, unnerving in the extreme.

I walked briskly along the sidewalk, continually glancing over my shoulder. Maybe it was because I was thinking about the man, or maybe it was just because it was dark outside, but I felt like someone was watching me. I walked faster, until I was practically jogging, and my heart began to race. I kept looking over my shoulder, but I didn’t see anything. The feeling kept growing steadily worse, but I was in sight of my house.

I gave up any pretense and sprinted for my door, certain I could hear footsteps chasing after me, but seeing no one. I had my key in my hand, but I fumbled with the lock in my panic. Unexpectedly, the door flew open, and I came face to face with a man inside my house.

Chapter 2

“God, David,” I shouted. I hadn’t meant to shout, but the adrenaline was still coursing through my system. It took me several moments to catch my breath after my irrational sprint to the house. “Couldn’t you have given me a heads up that you were coming over?”

David stared at me with wide eyes, taking in my disheveled appearance. “I didn’t think you’d mind,” he answered slowly.

I waited for my heart to slow its frantic pulsing before I answered. “It’s a little creepy to get home at 3 in the morning to find someone in my house.”

David tried to look solemn, but a shadow of a smile flickered across his lips. “Sorry, Rinny,” David pulled me into a hug. “I should have called.”

A lump formed in my throat when he called me Rinny. Only my family had ever called me that, and I hadn’t talked to most of them in ages, David excluded. My punk little brother was a drifter, sometimes here and sometimes not. He just went wherever his mood took him, without much regard to who or what he was leaving behind. Despite his many flaws, I loved him more than anyone in the world.

“So, what’s up?” I motioned for him to sit on the couch as I sat cross legged on the shabby armchair in my tiny living room.

A spasm of anxiety flickered across David’s face before he covered it up with another smile.

“Is everything okay?” I prodded gently.

He held his hands up, palms toward me, in a mollifying gesture. “Promise you won’t shoot the messenger, okay?”

I rolled my eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Just promise.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“Good.” He hesitated a moment, flicking his dark hair back in the familiar hair flip he had been doing since he was 12. “Okay, so… mom and dad both want to see you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Like separately or together?”

David shook his head, brows furrowed. “No, I said that wrong. Mom asked me to come see if you would talk to her. She wants to see you. And when I told Dad that I was coming, he wanted me to tell you the same thing for him.”

I sighed, rubbing my temples. “I don’t want to see them, David. You know that.”

“Come on, Erin,” David said, eyes wide and pleading. “They both love you.”

I laughed, a harsh, bitter sound that I hated. “They love me? They fucking love me?”

David sighed, eyes sad. “Everyone makes mistakes, Erin.”

“Mistakes? You call a father abandoning his family a mistake? I’m sorry, but that’s not the kind of mistake that I’m willing to forgive.”

“It wasn’t like that,” David insisted, sounding frustrated. “He had his reasons.”

I opened my arms wide in exasperation. “Care to elaborate?”

David shook his head, heaving yet another sigh. “I don’t know what they are, Erin, I just know he had them.”

I stepped forward and reached out to touch David’s face. “It’s so sweet that you always see the best in people,” I said softly. “But I’m not like you. And I can’t just forget everything that has happened.” Tears welled in my eyes. All I had ever wanted for David was for him to have had a different childhood than I had. But I couldn’t give that to him.

David pulled me into a hug. He didn’t even have to get off the couch to do it. “Hey, I’m sorry,” he said, brushing my hair back. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to pass along the messages. How about I just leave you their numbers and you can think about it, okay?”

I nodded against his shoulder.

“Good, now is it cool if I crash here tonight? It’s pretty late.”

“Yeah, of course,” I said, wiping my eyes as I stood up. “I’m going to go get ready for bed. Do you need anything?”

“Nah, but hey, just in case I’m gone before you wake up, do you need anything? No offense Erin, but you look like shit.”

“Thanks so much,” I replied, giving him a tremulous smile.

He rolled his eyes at me. “You know that’s not how I meant it. But you look exhausted. Do you at least have the day off tomorrow?”

I laughed, without any real humor. “I work a double tomorrow.”

“You need to stop working so much,” David said, looking worried.

I shrugged my shoulders tiredly. “I need to eat.” And then I went upstairs.

David was gone by the time I woke up the following morning. I read the note scrawled in his barely legible handwriting.

Rinny,

Sorry for the disappearing act. I didn’t want to wake you- you seriously need to stop working so hard. I know mom and dad would both be willing to help you out if you’d give them a call. I know you don’t want to hear this, but being angry with them forever isn’t going to make your life any easier. I added their numbers to your phone list. I love you.

-David

I sighed and scowled at the new entries to the phone list that I kept tacked to the wall, above the practically pre-historic phone that was covered in a thick sheet of dust. I wanted to be childish and cross them out, but I managed to refrain.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, grimacing at the bitter taste. I placed the mug in the sink and went upstairs to get ready for yet another long day at work.

1. Before I even knew it

You were gone.

The warmth of the sunshine you brought to my life

Turned into a frozen wasteland

And I felt nothing.

The sudden shock of your absence rendered me numb.

Until I was forced to drown in it.

2. In time, the cold thawed.

And the pain began.

Hot daggers through my heart,

Holes ripped in my chest,

As the last shreds of hope and denial washed away with my tears.

Red-hot fury at the injustice coating my thoughts with its acid bite.

I thought the rage made me strong,

But it broke me down.

3. I begged for your return.

Pleaded, cried, bargained.

Nothing worked.

And that’s when I was forced to accept that nothing would.

4. Weeks and months of misery,

Pain with every breath,

Torture with every memory,

Anguish in every quiet moment.

Every thought was an arrow through my heart.

Misery became my companion,

Alcohol, my friend.

For alcohol was the only one who could make misery bearable.

5. Eventually, the hole in my chest began to heal,

Though I had been convinced it never would,

And I began to feel whole again.

I could breathe without pain

And even smile without bitterness.

Although your loss still pains me,

I hope someday to look on your picture,

And smile without tears.