I know we don't talk anymore.

You did tell me to move on

yet I failed to listen to you,

again.

I catch myself missing you often

but my heart belongs to me now.

I have in some ways moved on

and I still wish to talk at the end of the day.

When my therapist asked

if he sexually assaulted me

i said no

but a small part of me was trying to convince myself to say yes

because it was true

i didn't think that it was true

until tonight when i messaged him to ask him for approval of something small I did.

I had thought that

moving out on my own

would bring be a sense of

stability and security.

everything was okay

until that one night

when he didn't allow me to go downstairs

and made fun of the fact I felt unsafe.

And every morning after,

once I heard the footsteps coming down

My insides were filled

with panic

and he wouldn't leave me alone.

The wind has changed directions.

The air is brisk,

as brisk as it was on that first walk.

The sun hits my face as it has before;

different as the aura I now have.

My home bares the grounds in which

my roots grow.

The seasons are changing

As much as the people wondering.

The door is not open but a welcome mat

is on the front door step.

There is a figure standing in

a field of green;

Unrecognizable and in a space to call

Their own.

The seasons are changing

but things always grow.

Victims on two sides of the road;

Happiness

can't be that hard

but

we were obstruction.

we both breathed destruction

Internal affairs turn to external

And before we knew it

the match

of love

we though was lit

burned us both down.

Burned to the ground.

We did burn

but

with burning comes

new grounds for roots.

Everyday passes

I N D I V I D UA L L Y

We plant our roots in self-love

and try to get a

Deep

Understanding

of our own needs.

The trees around do hold m e m o r i e s.

Even though the past is the past

it does tangle within us.

Old problems don't become

Replaced

with new joys

because they will

B R E A T H E

Destruction.

Happiness is HarD

Loving eachother means loving ourselves

F I R S T

My therapist told me

My best solution is to wait

and now

I'm waiting

Waiting

Waiting

And it's

l o n e l y.

You see

Even though I don't love myself completely

and love

may be a pencil in water right now,

I j u s t

want to use that pencil to

write a letter

And send it in the water back to

You

I find it so hard to sleep.

My thoughts

I find,

Swirling away in the darkness

That I so badly want to

Escape

The darkness that keeps me safe

Yet eats me whole.

Keeping me warm

Yet making me feel

Cold

No

Blue.

I am the epitome of darkness.

I am engulfed;

Entrapped in my own my

Mind.

The place where my existence is no where even

Close to

Living.

Just existing.

Just like the darkness.

October has passed.

Well the year, really.

It's now November.

One of my saddest months.

Eight days

after the first,

my best friend killed herself.

Throughout October,

we didn't talk much.

She was distant.

Everyone asks me if I'm okay.

I'm not.

On the eigth day

I received a message

from her sister.

She bled out.

She hurt so much

she bled her pain

out through the stories on her wrist.

I struggle.

I miss her.

I don't know how to talk.

They say I just need a hobby

to be happy

but being happy is hard

when

I can't even pinpoint all the reasons

I am sad.

My best friend;

nothing made her happy,

she was just sad.

maybe thats why we were best friends.

I have this friend.

I wish she knew just amazing she is.

We talk a lot.

I talk to her about my things

And she talks to me about her things.

If I mention food she gets up and makes it for me,

And if she makes herself something she’ll make me some.

We fall asleep on the futon in our living room

The coldness of our rooms makes us linger outside of them and instead

Stay in the warmth of the blankets on the living room.

She fed me Buckley’s today.

I’m sick.

She played guitar very softly,

Knowing full well I was tired.

I fell asleep.

I always hear have you eaten

And when I have not

I get a look in my direction

And I get why not?

She cares when things are wrong,

Always talks to me when I need

Even when we have our blaze seshes

She even asks for weed.

She wakes up at 9am

To drive me to work

Just to come back home and

do nothing.

I appreciate her so much.

So much.

I have this friend.

And I wish I could tell her just how amazing she is.

We used to spend the day

Just laying in bed,

I’d cuddle up to you

While you rub my head.

We’d go on walks,

Or go look at fish

We were inseparable.

We were each other’s wish.

We would go on dates,

Even just a drive.

It was when we thought

We would always survive.

I stare into your empty eyes.

They used to be blue,

Now a dull stormy grey.

Your embrace still warm

Yet is definitely does not feel

Like it did when we met

It’s almost kinda like a brewing storm.

you no longer look at me anymore

Nor

Pay attention when I talk.

You do what you please

While I’m begging on my knees

For you to give me the respect I deserve

We talk when you are gone

And fight when we are close,

How long will it be until we both overdose.

It won’t be of pills,

Or even of drugs

Probably just an overload of love.

We aren’t us anymore.

At least the us we used to be.

What if we don’t last?

I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

I punched a wall the other day,

Which probably I realize wasn’t that smart.

However there was too much going on

And I’d rather have a bruised hand than a breaking heart.

It was violent.

He was violent.

it’s 10 am and he’s already asking for a drink.

But it’s okay because he’s helping fix up the house.

it’s 11 am and he’s downed 2 drinks,

About to be a third.

It’s 12:30pm and he’s making food but he needs a drink.

There is nothing.

It’s 12:45pm and he comes downstairs to scream.

I’m so sorry.

It’s 2:30.

He said it’s ok.

He said he was sorry.

I’ll be ok.

It’s 5:30 the time has flew.

I wish I could say “if only you knew what those drinks did to you.”

It’s 9:30 and he was driving drunk

You made it home alive but what if you didn’t?

it’s 9:35 and the plate smashes

The floor is wrecked.

The glass, shattered.

I am downstairs.

And then there was a bang,

Some slapping.

Crying.

All of a sudden I am upstairs.

I watch as he holds your throat.

Your eyes begging for help.

He grabs your daughters throat.

She just wanted to help you.

He’s a monster.

The wall broke.

The puppies torn at who to protect.

“Call the fucking cops.”

Then I am downstairs.

I shake and I cannot stop.

My hands holding my phone as it’s taken out of my hands.

I am vibrating.

I and scared.

Then he comes downstairs.

He yells.

I am scared.

I am so very scared.

I blink.

I am gone.

He is gone and

You are shattered...

In the million pieces he left you.