For any of the rest of this story to make sense, it is imperative that you believe the next two things that I am about to tell you. One: This is a completely transparent account from my perspective of the unfolded events. Two: I always lie.

I didn't even know we had a gun in the house until it was pointed right at me. 

No one knows who "they" are, not exactly (you know, like, "they say there's good in everyone," or, "they say broccoli makes you grow big and strong."- but I digress); no one, except for one organization, an organization that I have been assigned to get the answers from.