12 Days

When I found you

I was looking for a pit bull terrier.

Then the first day I saw you, I asked, what's that funny looking thing right here? I was told your breed was Teddy Bear, an adorable Shih Tzu Bichon Frise mix. I was immediately smitten. I went home without you, for time to contemplate how I could give you a perfect home, and all I could think about was what your name should be.

Your name was inspired by a character in a sitcom that I watched much of with my family, and had been watching with them the weekend before I found you. This character was spunky, adorable, and clever. It just made sense.

Penny.

I returned for you the very next day.

When I lived with you

While I only knew you for a tragically short time, you had enough personality to last a lifetime. Despite the conditions you came from, you had a heart larger than the size of your tiny body. You were playful, loved being held, and had the cutest little bark.

Although initially apprehensive, even Aslan could see what a gentle spirit you had, and you took to him instantly. You loved to hide one of my slippers the size of your body in amusing places. And you loved to dig around in the soil of my plants. I didn't care.

You were endlessly energetic and happy. And Penny, you were fearless.

You had a particular obsession with the little ribbon bookmarks lazily hanging out of the pages of my stacked books, a testament of my inability to finish them all, as if an archeologist keen to unearth immeasurable treasure. Your mischievousness was beyond charming. We had endless fun running around the courtyard together. You would tirelessly chase me in circles around the trees, stopping only to peek around the tree I was hiding behind. You had a delightful affinity for sticks, especially the sticks that were far too large for you.

I searched for your sticks, after you were gone, and I found it. Your favorite stick. I will cherish that little wooden gem for the rest of my life.

When I lost you

I had never been in a "quiet room" before. There were plush chairs and sofas, blankets, and treats. There was a soft light emitting from the lamp in the corner of the room, and a TV showing a waving ocean. It was meant to be a comforting place, but all I could do was curl up in a ball on the cold, hard floor, while I waited for them to bring you inside. That wait felt like years. Years that shouldn't have been stripped of your innocent life.

I was told I wouldn't be able to have much time to spend with you, because you were failing fast. When the doctor entered, you were wrapped in a blanket, with an IV attached to your right paw, that cruel, compassionate vessel that would deliver the substance of your final resting state.

This is what I could see with the tears in my eyes.

As I held you, I could see you trying to open your eyes. You were quietly whimpering, through that special little underbite that drew me to you. It sounded like you were pleading for your life, and I will never unhear it. I'm sorry Penny. I feel like I failed you.

Also, I lied to you. I told you it was going to be okay, knowing it wasn't. But I also whispered to you continuously. I wanted to make sure that if you could hear me, the last words you heard were how happy you made me, how you were so brave, and how much I loved you.

There isn't an afterlife, Penny.

If there were, you would be bouncing around in a beautiful place humans call heaven, which makes sense, given what an angel you truly were. And I will never see you again.

Maybe I lied again. Maybe there is an afterlife, after all.

Because I feel like I'm in hell.

Anamnesis

I wish that I could love another puppy like I loved you, one day. But Penny, you are irreplaceable. My heart is broken, and I have to save the little pieces left of it that I can, for Aslan.

You were bred to be appealing to hopeful homes, held captive by your breeder, ultimately your executioner, until you were forced behind a window in a monstrously small space, on display like a living trinket. And I fell for it. Though, in my defense, how could I have not fallen for you.

Before I discovered your little body was ridden with illness, I thought I purchased you. But once I discovered how inhumanely you were treated, I thought I rescued you. Now, I don't know. I just miss you, Penny.

Moments before rushing you from our vet to the hospital, the store you came from offered that I may return you instead. Return you. Like you were some sort of faulty Teddy Ruxpin I got at Macy's.

It may sound callous, but at moments I think that justice for your companions isn't worth the expense of your life. I wish I believed in a higher power, or even a reason or purpose for bad things that happen, but I don't. Your life was cut tragically short, and no iota of justice, or divinity, exists.

I'm fighting for you. So many of my friends and family are fighting. I promise you, I'll never stop.

#hernamewaspenny

After goodbye

Shortly after I told you goodbye, your new plush toys arrived. I selected more toys for you because you seemed to love them so much, because you loved playing with your skunk and little purple hedgehog. And Penny, I would have given you anything. I set up a playpen next to my desk, so you wouldn't have to stay in your crate while I worked. I wish you could have played in it, next to me, every day. I had plans to take you places to play to your heart's fullest content. You had SO much life to live. And I wanted to spend all of it with you.

That day, I should have been giving you your new toys. Instead, I had to select an urn for your innocent, tiny body's remains. You deserved so much more than this, Penny.

I'll never forgive them, and I'll never forget you.

12 days. For 12 sweet days, you were my little one. Penny. For 12 days, you were finally free, to live outside, in the world. Though cruel, that world was full of people who loved you immensely.

I'll always wish more of those days were spent in our little, cozy home, than in that cold, sterile hospital. A place, I will soon learn, of profound sadness, one that can never be wholly articulated.

I was ready to show you the world, when I thought it was a beautiful place. Now, you're simply a memory, reduced to photos and videos, a few keepsakes to remember you by, and a sea blue folder icon on my computer containing the paperwork that documents the tragic end to your innocent life.

This world, in fact, isn't beautiful. You were beautiful.

You were perfect. Far too perfect for that cruel, unforgiving world that didn't deserve you. I know I didn't deserve you.

Penny, I didn't realize that I had a spirit, until I found myself with a broken one.

For 12 mostly joyful days, you taught me patience, unconditional love, and how to live with that spirit. I hope I was able to make you happy during the time we had together. I hope I was able to enrich your life a fraction as much as you enriched mine. Though devoured in sorrow, I would never give those days with you back, baby girl.

I'm eternally devastated it couldn't be more.