Emotions and logic are like lightning and thunder, respectively. You can feel something tremendous, and not be able to process what happened until much, much later.

You can't collect people and you'll lose all of them eventually, but still you shouldn't become jaded at the prospect of meeting new ones.

You need to take responsibility for your problems, even if they weren't initially your fault.

Feel your negative emotions. Roll around in them like a pig in filth. Acknowledge that they were there and existed at some point, and then let them go.

i. you whisper the lyrics to lana del rey songs under your breath late at night and they sound like prayers. or maybe crying. you were never sure where the line was drawn between those actions.

ii. you pop shiny, hard pieces of gum in your mouth and pretend theyre pills. you pretend that the bloodshot eyes and the haziness in your head were there only after you took them.

iii. youre getting tired of looking at your reflection. you have the same nose and freckle and dark, dark eyes youve always had.

iv. its early in the morning and youre shaking, ruining your shirt by rubbing snot all over it. you want to throw away your phone. smash it against the pearly marble. what was the point of having so many contacts if none of them could help? whats the point of calling them if, afterwards, they give you long side glances like youre a baby bird fallen out of its nest, skin too pink and delicate to touch.

v. you kill the ants in your room methodically, crushing them. theyre only dead when you hear the pronounced cracking of their exoskeletons. youre not scared of them but youre scared of their tiny dead bodies, which’re scattered around the room for months at a time. you try hard not to look.

vi. you pilfer one of your mothers white cigarettes but you never light it.

vii. in her youth, your grandmother was convinced by a nun that she was going to hell. she took hot, hot baths to prepare herself. you dont believe in hell, but you sit in the tub anyway. your breath comes out hard and your skin is flushed pink for long afterwards.

viii. one day you wake up with the sun streaming in through the curtains. you finally text him and he replies and you forget why you were so upset in the first place.

ix. you used to believe that if you wished for death hard enough, it would come.

Wanderlust is synonymous with the word gypsy.

Which I see on tea bags and in movies,

Full of women with dark hair and bright scarves and beads.

Gypsy's a slur.

Used in past European times to describe the dark featured people who weren't wanted anywhere.

They didn't travel on whims.

But out of necessity.

Is it still synonymous with wanderlust?

Maybe you don't take to the open road to go to new places,

But because you feel you don't belong.

You're not welcome.

People keep asking,

Are you running to something?

Or just running away?

And my answer is:

What's the fucking difference?