I will never be the girl who someone falls in love with or who's body is perfect and has self confidence.

I will never be the girl who is happy for a long period of time with a good life or even happy at all.

It's so exhausting trying and trying to make myself happy and thinking I've finally done something to change my life but it all falls back on me. I try so hard to be someone better than I was yesterday and It just gets worse. I know I'm young and people tell me I have my life ahead of me but why is it that when I try and plan for my future or even tomorrow something has to go wrong? Someone this young shouldn't have to go through what I do to get through the day. It isn't fair. Not one bit but why does it have to happen?

I write to get my emotions out but I'm nothing but just a complaining, teenage freak.

I'm sorry I won't ever be good enough for anyone and I'm starting to accept that. This is just a mess.

I'm a mess.

If you can deal with my emotional mood swings to where I feel like I'm the most hideous person in the world and I ask you a million times why you're with me.

You deserve it.

If you can deal with me pushing you away at times because I know you deserve better than me.

You deserve it.

If you can deal with me crying at random times of the night because my thoughts get the best of me and I can't hold it together.

You deserve it.

If you can deal with my 2am anxiety attacks to where I feel like the whole world is crashing down upon me.

You deserve it.

You deserve the whole fucking world.

And I will give that to you.. Just work with me.

And I promise it'll be worth it.

Another day but the same bull crap.

Depression.

Anxiety.

People judging me. People hating.

Parents disappointing me and family talking about one another. Someone this young shouldn't go through as much as I have but at the end of the day it makes me want to make myself a better person and prove everyone wrong. I've become stronger.

That's something I like to tell myself but in all honesty I'm breaking more and more everyday.

If you could read my mind you'd be in tears.

Telling stories is the only way I can make sense out of the world around me. Writing is one of the most challenging yet rewarding things I've ever done. There's no feeling to describe writing except maybe satisfaction. It describes my life in such a powerful way that I could never explain in just a few simple words. I tell stories to help people understand or even myself because half the time I don't. I may not know why things happen to me but writing them down and reading it later just makes me a stronger and self contained individual.

The silence kills more than the actual words. It's the thoughts of wondering if you're good enough or if there's someone else.

The silence kills more emotion in you than the actual touch.

Silence is a funny thing. It's so quiet but yet so loud.

It can lead to over thinking but also to many answers.

It relieves some people's pain but breaks someone else in half.

Silence is evil.

It's evil in the way of frustration, anxiety, and depression. It hurts more people than one person ever could because at least people can talk.

That's the point of being silent.

No talking. No answers.

Nothing.

A. P.

18 things I learned by age 18.

1. High school sucks.

2. People in high school will judge you no matter what.

3. Nothing matters after you walk across that stage, so do what YOU want to do.

4. You will lose people you never thought you would.

5. People will disappoint you everyday of your life.

6. Reality after high school sucks, just take it day by day.

7. The person you love can turn out to be someone completely different.

8. Moving on is hard.

9. Anxiety and depression may be the hardest thing you experience. ( if you do ).

10. Not everyone is as happy as they seem.

11. Good things comes to those who work hard for it.

12. You work for the things you want, things aren't just handed to you.

13. Being strong is the most important thing you need to do.

14. The only thing that will guarantee to make you happy is yourself no matter how many times you think you'll fall, just get back up.

15. Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

16. If you feel alone, take advantage of it. You deserve the world so give it to yourself.

17. If you want something, make it happen. No dream is ever to big.

18. You are somebody, and everyone has a plan. It may not be easy but it's worth it.

It was easy you know.

Taking a break for a while. Letting it all out. Escaping from reality for a bit.

Not caring if it was your few last breaths on this earth.

The cuts didn't feel like anything because you're so use to the pain, and the disappointment. The blood runs down but you only hope for more.

The more cuts the more the blood.

The deeper the cut the deeper the pain.

But what really is pain anymore.

You slip and fall and you get hurt, but it's nothing like emotional pain.

At least when you fall you can see the healing but when you're hurt on the inside it make take forever to heal.

But nothing really lasts forever because if things lasted forever we wouldn't be un happy right?

But falling is part of life and you need to pick yourself back up.

Maybe one day, in thirty years or a week from now you'll eventually dust the dirt off your shoulders but that moment of freedom is all you have for now.

The sadness over powers you into this state of mind where nothing makes sense. It's a place where nothing seems real, not even being in your own state of mind makes sense. The people around you seem fake because they are so happy and you wonder how it's like to be like that. But you try. You try and smile when you feel down and you try and laugh but it's all fake. You don't feel that happiness and joy that you see in other people. You don't feel like everything goes your way or when you're finally happy it stays, because it doesn't. You think maybe you are finally happy in the aspect that you're in right now but that goes away and reality comes back into you. It hits you like a truck hits a wall. It's a huge impact that you keep with your self day by day. The smell of the flowers are dull and the sky's are always grey. Your head is full of thought and emotion and the world is against you. Everything you say/do is wrong. Everyone you meet eventually leaves because you're not good enough. You try and be strong but thats the hardest part. You push everyone away that has come and tried to help you because they can't feel what you do, but you can't even explain what's wrong. It's not even a sadness, or emotion because at this point its your lifestyle. You're use to the disappointment and being hurt that you're just numb. You take everyday and hope it's your last instead of living like it is. You'd rather be alone because that's when you can cry or be yourself because that's where no one will judge you. You hate yourself everyday because you don't fit in. No one really likes you, you keep telling yourself that they put up with you because once we all grow up they're going to forget about you anyways. Being alone is where you feel most comfortable. With no one around. Your thoughts fill your head and you make the wrong seem right. Our thoughts are our own worst enemy but it makes everything come out to seem so true.