You're gone now

Not physically but mentally anyway

You're still 15 mins away at home

But we aren't for each other

You don't know how to love

You know how to hurt

Do you get off on hurting me?

bet you do

Cause you do it

Endlessly

Over & over & over

I choose to leave now

Not because I don't love you anymore

But because I love you too much

But I also love me

And I don't deserve to feel this way

I don't deserve to be hurt over & over.

If I stay that gives you permission to keep fucking up

To hurt me more and get away with it

But no

I refuse

I fucking refuse to be treated any less than i am.

It's painful

You can feel it in your heart

You feel it that she's far

That's she's detached from you

Every muscle in your body feels weak

Because that one person that gives you happiness is now gone

She claims to still be there

But you feel it

She's not

She feels far

Because she is

And now you're in bed

Balling your eyes out

Because you can't be with her

Because you had to be so stupid to care about what everyone would say if you left

It's only been 3 days without her

But it's felt like forever

Why can't you just pack your shit and leave

Be in control of your own life

You can feel it in your heart that after a while she's gonna get sick of not having you there

And she's not gonna feel the same for you anymore

And that's what you're scared of

Losing her

Your happiness

The one thing that makes you smile

Yet with just one move can break your heart forever

How can one person control every single feeling in your body?

You hate it

You feel like once she looses interest it's over

Forever

Forever

Forever

Her love for you drifting away with the wind

And what can you do?

Nothing

There will be nothing you can do

You can cry

You can yell

You can do anything but it won't change her mind

And she'll find someone new

Or maybe even go back to that bitch that you hate so much

She'll pretend to be that babies mother again.

It's not hers

She's stupid

She lets that bitch get to her

Why did I even let myself get into the position of getting my heart broken at any second?

I'll tell you why

Because she's beautiful. She's perfect in your eyes. Her skin smooth under your touch

Her eyes so sweet and gentle all though deep deep you can see them yelling for help. Her heart so big

He hair so curly and beautiful

Oh how much you fucking love her

But you know soon enough that happiness is going to disappear

And fuck

Fuck fuck fuck

You're gonna be back into a worse depression than you're already in.

And you might not be able to get out this time

Because while you miss her she'll probably have already moved on

She doesn't show her emotions

So you can't tell if she's sad or not

She might be I'll give that to her

She might be sad maybe for a day

But then she'll pull together and just move on

Man how much you fucking love this girl that you're here up at 2:23 in the Fucking morning because you can't sleep because you can't breath because you miss her. And what is she doing?

Sleeping

Not Missing you

You stupid fucking bitch realize that she'll be fine with out you

But you don't want to open your eyes and see that

So let's just continue to fake a smile and pretend that everything is okay

Although it is not

And will never be

Because she left you.

2 am thoughts.

Life is such a hard thing

Once you hit teen years everything gets fucked up

You start feeling things you didn't feel when you were 5.

Love.

What really is love?

No one knows. You can ask 100 people and they'll all have different things to say.

You meet someone that indulges you

And from there , shit, you start to feel something that you never felt.

You talk to them everyday

Learn something new about them everyday

End up seeing them when ever you have the chance to.

You guys go out after dark

That's when you know it's a different feeling.

You never felt this way for someone

Ever.

You notice the little things about her.

How beautiful the color of her eyes are

How she has that one tooth that isn't straight but it's okay because that's what makes her well you know .. her

You notice how big and juicy her lips are

How smooth her skin is

Fuck.

That's when you're fucked.

That's when you realize you're starting to fall in love with her.

But is she in love with you?

You don't know because she's still acting like she's just a friend.

Not knowing when someone loves you back makes you feel crazy...

But knowing that they don't love you

That they don't feel anything towards you like you feel for them

That's what hurts the most

Because you put all you have into this one person

You start to care about how they are and what they're doing

They tell you how fucked up their lives are and you stay there and sit talk to them and tell them it's okay.

Tell them you're there for them and you won't let them get hurt again.

But over time you ask yourself why am I even doing this for someone that doesn't love me back

Then you start to wonder if they would do all of this for you and you realize ...

No they won't.

Your insecurities come back

You want to hide

You don't feel like going out as much anymore

You stop eating as much as you did

You start to change

You cut your hair

You stop putting on make up

You start dressing like you don't care

Her

She's noticed

She noticed you changed

And she doesn't understand why

And you have to tell her why because she's sitting right infront of you and you have no where to go

To hide

You tell her you love her

She looks deep into your dark eyes

And she smiles

She says

"I love you too"

That's when you want to hide baby girl.

Because when someone tells you they love you

That means they're going to hurt you

Endlessly

Over

And

Over

Until you start feeling like it's how you should be treated.

No

Never

You deserve better

AJ