I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin
or confident in my capabilities.
I don't know what it is about my brain
that likes to make me feel like shit all the time.
Maybe it's just in my nature to see myself as terrible.
I wish I could rewire my brain myself,
take each cord and put them where they need to go.
I just want to feel like a person
like everyone else
free of judgement from myself
and to be truly free from the cage
I have put myself in.
Please don't like me,
I'm only interested in being a friend
and I don't want to be the bad guy
that has to shut you down.
All I want is a friend,
I wish I wanted more,
but I don't.
And I feel bad,
because you're great,
but I'm not interested in being more than friends.
I just want a friend
nothing more.
So please,
don't ruin this
by saying you like me.
Count Me Out
I have started to notice,
that anytime I find anyone attractive
I always find reasons why we would not work together.
It's because I'm so loud and they are soft spoken,
they are so sporty and I hate to exercise,
they are calm and cool and I am anxious and depressed,
they are confident and I am insecure.
I sometimes wish that I could be in a relationship with someone
just so I don't have to walk through this world
finding ways why I won't measure up.
I want to skip to the part where someone loves me unconditionally.
But I also want to skip to the part where I love myself unconditionally.
Sticky Situation
Have you ever found yourself
stuck in a situation
that you know will be bad,
but you can't get out of it?
Like, you made the commitment
to do this task
no matter the outcome.
But the outcome of this is becoming more clear
and it's messy,
and chaotic,
and nothing like what you signed up for in the first place.
And now you're just filled with dread
because everyone knows about it
and everyone is so excited
but you just want to beg those around you
to please not show up.
You don't want them to see the trainwreck that is about to ensue.
I wish something would happen,
so I can just get out of this
and not have anyone hate me.
Broken in Two
She knew,
she can pretend that she didn't,
but she knew.
I had talked with her,
others have talked to her,
and she still did it.
Out of anger,
she did it.
And she knew how much it would hurt me,
how much it would make me feel like shit.
And she did it anyways.
So no,
I don't feel sorry
that things didn't go her way.
This is exactly the outcome that she knew was going to happen.
She chose this,
not me
and now we are fractured.
And I don't have the energy to put us back together anymore.
I'm starting to dread everything,
waking up,
going to work,
doing the things that I used to love,
I just want to lay in bed
and hide from the world.
I don't want anyone to find me
and I just want to sink into the darkness without a trace.
I just want joy again,
I want to feel love again,
I want to smile again
without if feeling like a chore.
I just want my sparkle back.
Opinions
This is why I don't share my opinion on anything.
Because I am made to be the bad guy
just for saying what I think.
And no matter how many times
I try to explain
that I am just sharing my side of things
and I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other,
I'm still the one
supposably
shoving my beliefs down your throat
and delivering it as gospel truth.
This is the reason I keep my mouth shut.
This is why I stay quiet
so you never know what side I am on.
Because once you know,
you look at me differently.