I sometimes think it's strange

that people will have conversations about dating

and never ask me about my dating life.

Not that I have much to say on the matter,

but I feel like nobody asks me if I am seeing anyone

or if I am even interested in dating.

Is it so weird for me to want that?

Is it so weird for me ot have that desire?

It makes me feel like no one thinks

that I am worthy of love.

It makes me feel like it is so unlikely that I will ever meet someone,

no one can even picture me dating.

It makes me sad.

It makes me feel like deep down,

all the negative thoughts I have about myself all the time are indeed true.

That there is something wrong with me

and I will never be worthy of love.

Is there something wrong with me?

Like,

I genuinely need to know.

Is there something about me truly unlovable

that I can't get the attention of anyone?

I hate that I crave validation

from those around me.

But I miss being loved

and held

and appreciated.

What is wrong with me

that I don't get that?

Is it because I don't do my hair

or my makeup?

Is it because I'm shy

or sometimes get mad?

Am I just an unlikeable person

that can't see how she makes others feel when she is around them?

Someone, please,

just tell me

so then I don't have to feel like I'm the odd one out

all the fucking time.

I usually feel uncomfortable

in any given place.

but with you,

I feel weirdly calm and safe.

There were no expectations

and I didn't have to act a certain way

all I had to do was be

and you sat right beside me.

You feel good to me,

a calm presence

that feels cozy and warm.

And I'm sad that once our obligation is met,

that the calm I feel will be gone forever.

I wish I felt more comfortable in my own skin

or confident in my capabilities.

I don't know what it is about my brain

that likes to make me feel like shit all the time.

Maybe it's just in my nature to see myself as terrible.

I wish I could rewire my brain myself,

take each cord and put them where they need to go.

I just want to feel like a person

like everyone else

free of judgement from myself

and to be truly free from the cage

I have put myself in.

Please don't like me,

I'm only interested in being a friend

and I don't want to be the bad guy

that has to shut you down.

All I want is a friend,

I wish I wanted more,

but I don't.

And I feel bad,

because you're great,

but I'm not interested in being more than friends.

I just want a friend

nothing more.

So please,

don't ruin this

by saying you like me.

such a simple act

of putting your arms around me

has sent me into a tizzy,

and I can't wait

for you to do it again

next weekend.

I have started to notice,

that anytime I find anyone attractive

I always find reasons why we would not work together.

It's because I'm so loud and they are soft spoken,

they are so sporty and I hate to exercise,

they are calm and cool and I am anxious and depressed,

they are confident and I am insecure.

I sometimes wish that I could be in a relationship with someone

just so I don't have to walk through this world

finding ways why I won't measure up.

I want to skip to the part where someone loves me unconditionally.

But I also want to skip to the part where I love myself unconditionally.

Have you ever found yourself

stuck in a situation

that you know will be bad,

but you can't get out of it?

Like, you made the commitment

to do this task

no matter the outcome.

But the outcome of this is becoming more clear

and it's messy,

and chaotic,

and nothing like what you signed up for in the first place.

And now you're just filled with dread

because everyone knows about it

and everyone is so excited

but you just want to beg those around you

to please not show up.

You don't want them to see the trainwreck that is about to ensue.

I wish something would happen,

so I can just get out of this

and not have anyone hate me.

Is this real life?

Is this what life has to offer?

This can't be real.

This can't be our best.