Oh So Blue
Blue eyes mirror skies
clear and bright and full of hope
makes my heart soar high.
But something has changed
my thoughts are storms on blue seas
dragging me down deep.
My heart feels so blue
full of untapped potential
with what could have been.
to open myself up
to love again.
The problem is,
I have no idea where to start.
I have no one I'm interested in
and I don't think I could do apps.
I want to meet someone
the old-fashioned way,
but I rarely leave my house
so how will that happen?
I live in a small town
which let me tell you,
I am not wanting to get involved
with those losers that peaked in high school.
I am ready to move on
and start a new chapter of my life
but I have no idea where to start.
It's hard when you want to move forward
but have no idea which route to take.
You came back to my mind again,
like an unwelcome guest
who doesn't know when to leave.
instead of being mad at myself
for having you sneak back into my thoughts,
I just felt tired.
Tired of you still occupying this space
and having the memory of you
spill across my vision,
clouding me from what is right in front of me.
Tired of getting caught up in the past
and only being reminded of the good times
and never the bad.
Tired of having flashes of regret
from crossing boundaries
that I thought I was able to handle at the time.
I just feel so tired of the thought of you.
I want my life to be a musical.
I want to walk down the street and have the colors of life
be saturated and bright.
I want people who were once strangers
to sing a song about how wonderful this new day is
and dance together and somehow know all the steps.
I want to express my feelings through song
and have someone sing harmony to me.
I want those long, lingering stares
as the lights dim,
and the music slows,
and a crowded room just turns into two people.
I want to belt out a powerhouse number
that shows my growth and maturity as a character.
I want the story to end with a beautiful bow
and to have the predictability that it will all begin again tomorrow.
Why must I always be my worst critic?
I can never trust my own capabilities
without hearing the voice inside my head
tear me down.
Even times when others compliment me
I always change the subject to someone else
because I know deep down that they deserve the praise.
I think I struggle with finding the fine line of humility.
I never want to come off as cocky or self-centered
but I want to be confident in the things I am talented in.
I hope to one day be able to be completely proud of myself and all I have accomplished.
After Dinner Mints
I remember it so clearly.
that fateful Christmas day
of opening presents
at my grandparent's house
when I was a child.
I remember my grandpa smiling
as he handed me a present,
disguised in beautiful wrapping paper.
Within the paper
held a medium cylinder tin labeled "after-dinner mints."
I remember that tin,
with bright-colored cartoon mints adorning it.
I remember being so excited.
Feeling like I got a grown-up gift.
Something so fancy it had to be cherished after dinner.
My parents told me how wonderful it was and were giggling with each other.
I remember being so excited throughout the Christmas meal
to eat these magic mints.
Finally, the time came, and I begged my dad if I could have one.
He smiled at me and said of course.
I took a deep breath and popped the round lid off,
excited for my sweet treat.
And to my surprise,
I got smacked in the face
with a springy snake.
I remember my whole family laughing
and my eyes welling up with tears
because underneath that stupid snake
that gave me quite a fright
were no after-dinner mints.
It makes me laugh
when arrogant people
put down others
not even knowing
the whispers others share
behind their petty backs.
What I Deserve
I never thought
I would reach a point in life
where I am not the reason
for people walking all over me.
The number of times I get undermined in a day
should be in a record book.
I have finally come to a place in my life
where I want to stand up for myself
and not allow people to treat me with such disrespect.
I finally have this confidence inside
and every time I try to let it shine
I get steamrolled by my superior
telling others it is okay to be rude to me,
to take advantage of me,
to treat me like I'm not even human.
I deserve respect.
I deserve to stand up for myself.
I deserve to be treated well.
I'm trapped in my mind.
A prison of my own making
and I haven't been able to get out for a while now.
I'm not sure how I got in here,
or when the prison started to form around me,
but I know I've been stuck for quite some time.
The problem is
that the prison has begun to feel like home.
I think part of me wants to escape
but knows it's going to be tough
and uncomfortable to break free.
I've learned this helplessness for far too long now.
And where would I even start
when it comes to prison walls
made of guilt, doubt, and shame?
Of past regrets I can't seem to let go of
Where does one even find a chisel strong enough
to destroy all of that?
How do I forgive myself for putting myself in this situation?
How do I push away thoughts,
like pink elephants,
that were never supposed to be welcomed into my mind in the first place?
I fear I may be trapped forever
in the prison of my mind.
From now on,
I'm going to romanticize my life.
Start viewing the world
through a rose-colored lens.
I want to focus on the little things,
and see them as beautiful
rather than mundane.
and enjoying the process
rather than just waiting for the end goal
this does not mean
I am going to romanticize the toxic parts of life.
Because those things
don't deserve to be seen in a better light.