I have this incredible anger

bubbling up in my chest,

stirring around my stomach,

making me feel like every step I take

is fueled by this anger.

I want to kick down doors,

I want to punch in walls,

I want to rip

and tear

and destroy everything around me.

I hate the way you treated me

I despised the way you led me on

I abhor you.

FUCK YOU.

I am so frustrated

that I never allow myself

a moment of peace.

When things are going so right,

I always have to mess it up

and get so anxious and worried

about false narratives

I weave for myself.

And for some ungodly reason,

I believe it every time.

I believe that people hate me,

when I have done nothing

to change the opinions of those around me.

I believe that I am not capable

of literally doing anything

when I have proven to myself

time and time again

that I can do whatever I set my mind to.

I believe that I am unworthy of love

even though I know that there are people out there

who love and respect me.

But for some reason,

I keep believing the lies

and I never get this moment of just being

content with myself.

That's all I want,

to be content with myself.

I so scared

that all this effort,

all this kind talk,

wanting to see me,

wanting to take care of me,

wanting to be with me,

will all disappear in the blink of an eye.

Because it has happened before.

I saw a person who said that they loved me

slowly drift away from me.

And all I was left with

was wondering how I could have been better,

how I could have been different.

And after digging myself out of that literal hell-hole,

I never want to find myself back down there again.

I think

my frustration lies

with those who

are fully capable

of doing the work

but do not want to

put in any effort.

I'm not quite sure

when this shift occurred.

Where you expect me

to do the work for you,

but I have had enough.

I'm so tired

of your apathy

bringing down my mood.

Buck

the

fuck

up.

"I'm just doing the bare minimum."

No,

That can't be true.

Because if this is the bare minimum,

then I have been scraping

the bottom of the barrel

with my past relationships.

I was hoping I would feel more sure

of everything.

That this overwhelming sense

that I was doing the right thing

would wash over me.

But it didn't.

And I don't feel mad

or sad,

but just confused.

And frankly,

I don't feel anything.

No one certain emotion

is tipping me in a particular direction.

It's just a weird feeling to have.

But I don't hate it.

FUCK YOU

YOU EVERLOVING FUCKING BITCH.

How dare you

tear me down all the fucking time?

Make me feel worthless

and shitty about myself

and then turn around

and get so goddamn mad at me

when I have such low self-esteem

and confidence.

I don't even want to go on my fucking date tomorrow

because of your truly awful words.

This is why I hate myself.

This is why I feel like no one likes me being around.

This is why I have this constant

empty pang

in the middle of my stomach

constantly reminding me that I am not enough.

GOD.

SCREW YOU.

I am so tired

of people reaching out to me

asking for favors.

It makes me feel

like I am not worth the time or energy in a relationship

unless I have something that they want.

And yet,

I can't stop myself from helping,

giving aid to those who ask.

Because maybe,

just maybe,

this time will be different

and I won't get used again.

I have these images

or scenarios

that play out in my head.

And the strange thing is,

sometimes they can be so clear.

Like today,

I had this scenario play out in my head,

of me in my overalls

painting a wall

and smiling next to someone.

We were creating our home together.

The person wasn't clear,

but I got overwhelmingly happy.

Other times,

I have an image,

of me slow dancing

with someone

feeling safe and secure in their arms.

I don't understand if it's my own imagination

growing wild and untamed

or maybe,

just maybe,

My head and my heart know something I do not.