“We were but stones, your light made us stars”

I am 21 years old. I have missed the 90s, but I have been listening to Chris Cornell’s music everyday ever since I was 15. I spent the most important years of my “formation” as a human being with his voice, his lyrics in my ears. And I too suffer with depression and mental illnesses. I grew up not knowing what was “wrong” with me, and Chris sort of held my hand as I was struggling and fighting and trying to understand what was going on inside my head. It was dark and ugly and often it still is, but never for a single minute I felt like no one was getting it, because he made me feel like I wasn’t alone, like I wasn’t “wrong” or “too sick to pull through”. He made me feel human, he made me feel like I too deserved things, good things. He holds my hand every time I am angry, every time my chest hurts, every time I feel the urge to make myself vomit in the bathroom, every time I feel flawed, every time I feel impure and infected, every time the world doesn’t feel real and every time the world feels way too real.


I don’t think anyone’s music can make me as happy as Chris' does. It’s not like he ever wrote such happy songs. But I guess that is just the way he is, you know, a warm beam of light that makes everything on its way shine too. Whenever I hear his voice or see his pictures, I remember how happy I felt every time I got to see him live, and it’s such a hopeful feeling. He’s like a reminder that life can be dark but there’s a bright side to it too. There’s always been so much positivity coming from him and it’s so beautiful. It's so big. 
The first time I saw him, in Verona, he reached out to me and my friends to get the Soundgarden flag we had made for him and proceeded to sing an entire song with that flag on his face, and then gave us one of his shirts to thank us. I got a Soundgarden tattoo after that show, to carry a little bit of his light with me everyday.

And then that one night in Detroit something went so horribly wrong. It might not even seem legit, but it hurts so much and I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it because I grew up listening to his voice. I have been finding comfort in that voice ever since I was 15. He was a friend. And I loved him in a way I never loved any other artist. It seems silly and stupid, but I associated him with everything that’s beautiful in the world. With dogs and butterflies and rainbows and flowers and the sun shining and the wind blowing. I have listened to his music on good days, on bad days, on the worst days of my life. I’ve punched walls and cried my eyes out to Soundgarden and I’ve sung Audioslave songs in the car so loud it made my throat sore. I’ve listened to Temple Of The Dog on my way to funerals of loved ones, I’ve listened to Songbook and Higher Truth when insomnia wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve let him scream in my ears to tone down the voices inside my head telling me to do awful things to myself. He was that to me, and so much more. He wasn’t just an artist, he was a human being I looked up to, and that kind of person that you’re just so glad they exist somewhere out there. And now it’s hard to find the same comfort in his voice. I feel like I lost a friend, and for the first time in my life it hurts to think about him. When I learned about his death I was sitting in my university's library. I was wearing my Higher Truth shirt that morning and it felt so heavy on me. I couldn’t sleep for 2 days, I got mad at the sky because the dawn was so beautiful and how fucking dared it be beautiful when something so horrible had happened? How dared the birds keep singing? How dared the world keep spinning and all the lives keep going?

I was in Florence a few days ago, attending Eddie Vedder's solo show, and the day after attending Prophets Of Rage and System Of A Down. At both shows, tributes to Chris were played. 50.000 people cried as Eddie cried singing Black to his friend, and a shooting star crossed the sky minutes later. And again people cried as Serj Tankian walked on stage and performed Like A Stone with Tom Morello, and everyone around me was singing along. I know my loss is nothing compared to the people that knew him, to his kids, his wife and his friends, but I can’t help feeling this way. And it was beautiful to share those moments for him with the people who love him so much. It's something we owe to him, to come together and remember him for the beautiful soul he was. He didn't need to know us to reach our hearts and make them feel warm and that's not something we can allow to fade away. I’ll never really be able to really put into words the place he holds in my heart, but I still want to try and share it because goddammit Cornell I will always love the sh*t out of you and your flower nipples and your combat boots and your visionary bathroom tiles tweets. Who I am today, I owe it to you too. You gave me so much life, and something is missing now. But you gave us it all, and we will carry it all.

"Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!"