The hole in my soul, has taken a hold.

At every decision I now fold

in on myself but try to be bold,

as in times of old.

I feel as though I have been sold

for a meagre pittance whilst the days grow cold.

That same chill runs down my spine and STOPS;

stock still

with its own free will in the pit of

my stomach until I feel ill.

It seems you had better things to do.

You didn’t give us enough time to just be.

With you.

I want to follow too.

But this is so final.

There was no stall

for all that now must befall.

You always leave me behind but this time is eternal.

Cruel.

Unjust.

Frosty.

You were more of an apparition.

A spectre.

There but not.

I only ever wanted you.

To be with you.

But now that is something that can only happen with the onset of the cousin of death.

There has always been a dearth of you in my world.

Now my very breath is on pause.

The oxygen leaves me and never return.

You stole my heart but made me live.

Fate is a cruel master indeed!

So callously;

Scraped the gash anew;

And just for good measure rubbed salt in the wound then rinsed it out with lemon!

Staying my hand from seeking reprieve.

Hindering me from finding water,

Or even a salve.

l have remained motionless for an age now.

I have even traversed another decade in my journey as I walk amongst the tattered remnants of my soul.

Sometimes;

I feel, as desolate as an unmoored vessel, fearfully awaiting the arrival of the albatross;

Of carrion,

To gnaw at the fragmented shards of my soul -

Which, for the most part are barely held together with the merest hint of paper maché and sellotape.

Waiting for the salt water to gently lap it’s low tide waves until it becomes a tsunami;

A behemoth of a tidal wave ready to rupture the tenuous strands of this vacuous hole,

To cast it asunder, to the murky depths of the deep blue;

For time immemorial…..

And then I remember how to breathe.

Then the sudden realisation that;….

I breathe in time with you!

It dawns on me that the rhythmic cadence of my pulse;

My very heartbeat, has alway, and will ALWAYS, be a replica of yours.

Further still, I, have passed that song,

That grove; on to another soul so I am immediately comforted by your never-ending presence,

Despite your ever fraught absence.

I subsequently reconcile that you are safely harboured within my chest, the way I was once carefully ensconced within the realm of your Queendom.

So to hear the tune of the one song I know better than my own,

I lay with my ears submerged in my bath water and listen to the lullaby of your “thud, thump! Thud, thump. Thud, thump.“

I know know you couldn’t leave me if you tried. You left your mark in the one dance which could never be disturbed.

The secrets therein, burst forth and I am inundated with mental photographs of our chorus.

The great. The alright. And the that didn’t happen if I refuse to acknowledge it.

You left your visage upon my face and your voice in my own larynx.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

I resemble you both dependant on my countenance and know that I am still loved.

This is transendence.

My voice burns,

The air strips my lungs .

It hurts to breathe.

Warm water scorches my cheeks as it runs molten from the well it stings as my vision blurs.

Everything seems distorted.

Feels disjointed.

So out of kilter!

More times than not I’m fine.

But then I remember

(Not that I can ever forget)

But I’m reminded of that which is missing.

The two single most reasons as to why I breathe,

Live

And fully enjoy life.

Then I feel guilty....

There’s always so much more you can do with your time!

A plethora of things to do (or not as the case may be);

To make it mean more!

Just so when the tidal wave of missing-ness

occurs,

You can more inhabit a place of gratitude.

That thanks for being you,

The great, the difficult and the secretive,

About you both.

What I’ve learnt from you both is this;

You cannot do right by others if you’re doing wrong by you.

Every man for himself is a half truth.

And a half truth is a lie you said.

The statement should or probably maybe was

something more along the lines of.....

EVERY MAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN THOUGHTS AND DEEDS.

If you want something done , do it yourself you said.

So I’ll love you both and love myself with fondness and joy.

The bitterness of life is merely when you don’t want to fix the kinks.

And I will straighten those kinks.

But for now;

It’s one breath at a time.

Just inhale.......

And exhale......

Now repeat!

Love you much!

Love you to the bone like cooked food!

For ROSMAN 28/06/2020 by Blakey

More than I thought I would.

Not sure exactly why I hadn’t let her know just how much I love her.

There’s a void .

A vacuous, gaping hole.

This nothing-ness.

This emptiness.

This unknown space I currently reside in;

This new me.

New us.

New normal,

Is at best debilitating for the most part,

Has made the last 7 months and one day more than a little bit of a mash up.

A mixup kadooshus which is a descriptor of the sum of you and your parts.

I forgot how to feel.

For a time.

But now find it difficult to switch my feelings off!

I’ve not said I love you as much as since “that day.”

The day the world ended for a heartbeat,

Then restarted.

Without you.

Without us,

As the whole we once were.

We were none of us really ready.

That’s the problem,

We never are.

But I’m ready always for the challenge.

To step up to the mark and be my best self living my best life.

Trying to be you by trying not to be you and not trying to be you!

The irony.

If I read anything you said correctly,

What you were trying so emphatically to impart was;

Be what your soul tells you to be by feeling instead of thinking.

Have a heart and use it to think.

Mum; I really do love you!

No ifs.

No buts.

No conditions.

Just I really, REALLY love YOU!

So

We

Shall

Pick

This up,

When

It’s

My

Turn

To

Step

Off

The

Podium

To hell and back!

Cresting the waves of hellfire

In order to assist the desires

If those who didn’t even care

To share

Responsibility

For that which they enacted

Despite your not being even remotely complicit.

They are the epitome of duplicitous.

Your name they tarnished

To save their miserable souls.

Eternity is a long time to seek repentance.

Meanwhile,

You

Carried

The

Can

And still smiled through it all Smiler

Erstwhile playing devil’s advocate.

Ensuring the felicity and safety of undeserving ingrates.

You

Are

The

Shero

Of

ALL

Time.

The short lady you are

You are still a giant amongst us all!

I love you much!

I so love you much!!!!!

The world is unbalanced in a way I cannot comprehend

Being as you always say there is no such word as “can’t”

But I can’t tell you anymore.

There was a time when it was always just

You and me 24/7.

And then I fought my way into the world.

I hope you know I have always loved you

Even if at a distance.

I hope you knew I always will love you

Despite any musings you may have had.

This is in and if itself an indescribable loneliness.

Something which cannot be alluded to.

Something which can only be felt not voiced unfortunately.

A bit like a piece of your soul stolen and shattered.

Irreparably.

But there will always be a circle where it was just you and I 24/7.

You being as you were my world before I became me.

Is so multi faceted it’s hard to know what to tackle first.

One of the five books I’m reading whilst listening to podcasts and music.

The myriad of colours assaulting my senses dragging their friends along for the ride.

The visual imagery accompanied by addictive smells of candy floss, toffee apples,

Sweet popcorn, hotdogs and the like.

All ensconced within the aroma of the sea,

Cut grass, roses and cherry blossoms.

The rush of exhilaration as my mind becomes a helter skelter.

The exuberance of life seeping through my pores

The crash of wave and clash of thunder reminds me to look to the earth and sky for all the beauty there will ever be,

Punctuated by the sight of bees and butterflies; peas and corn and mangoes assaulting your aural skins.

Feeling nothing but euphoria and excitement