Who’s in control of our lives?
I first thought about it when I was fifteen.
I was just dying to go out with that cute, breathtaking senior. I never would've guessed that he would ask me, of all people, out. It was shocking and exciting and I'd never felt so powerful and desired. I was happy. I daydreamed about (maybe!) having my first kiss.
At about 5pm that same day, mom just stormed in the kitchen, pissed off at the world. I was just sitting there, head on my hands, sighting while thinking about him, obviously. She looked at me, fire in her eyes, a little vein popping on her forehead. And she screamed on and on, about the tasks undone, the sink full of dirty plates, the garbage that wasn't taken out, the coat lying on the floor. She yelled about her awful day, about her terrible job and the car that hit hers on her way home that afternoon.
-Wash the dishes, I'll put the trash out. And then go to your room. Just get out of my face, please.
-But..But... - I stuttered- I .. have a date. Tonight.
-A date? With who? Do I know him?
-Well... no... He's from the school. A senior.
-Um, that doesn't sound very safe. You can bring him here some other time so I can keep an eye on you. Just not today. I need a quiet night. - and just like that, she left the room.
I was completely shocked. Paralyzed. She could not do that. She was not in control of my life. She wouldn't ruin it, I wasn't going to let that happen.
So, I got up, determinate to take control of my own goddammed life. (First, though, I washed the dishes).
I got dressed, put on my best clothes, watched a makeup tutorial and was feeling fabulous at about 7pm. I left my Ipod playing music in my room so my life-ruining mother would think I was in there. Confident, I climbed out of the window and walked up to next street, and waited for him, feeling a mixture of fear and excitement.
He came, so gorgeous I felt like angels were flying around him. He kissed me on the cheek and I blushed so hard, he might've thought I was getting sick. We started walking towards the movie theater. We were almost getting there, when he pulled me in the opposite direction into a dark alley.
-Shhhh - he said, finger on my mouth.
-Wh...What? - I tried to protest.
-Just be quiet – he said while covering my mouth with one hand and pulling up my skirt with the other.
I was so confused. Was this what people usually did on their first date? My friend Kira had a steady boyfriend for months and they hadn't had sex yet. But why should I let her relationship define mine? She wasn't in control of my life.
What would people say though, when they knew? Would they know? I wouldn't tell anyone if he didn’t. I didn't want anyone to define what I should or shouldn't do.
It all just felt so weird and awkward and not fun at all. He hadn't even kissed me, but his hands were going up my legs, he was putting his pants down.
-Shouldn't we... um... slow down a little bit – I tried saying, his hand still on my mouth.
He pressed it harder.
-Quiet, I said! Stupid girl!
I felt so hurt. Devastated. My heart was breaking and I just wanted to get the hell out of that place. Tears fell down my face. I was so scared.
I breathed in, thinking I should just be quiet and wait for it to end. Who would've known that everything could go so wrong?
Mom, I thought. She knew. Dammit. I hated being in control of my life. I hated it. From now on I wouldn't make decisions anymore. So I let her voice inside my head talk to me.
-Fight! - she said – Get out of there! What are you waiting for?
So, for the last time (that day), I made a decision. I kicked him hard, spit on his face, pulled my underwear up and ran like my life depended on it.
That day I learned that everything influences on our decision making. But, when it comes to it, there's no pointing fingers or guilty parties. We are our own enemies and heroes. We are in control of our lives