HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2) Walk to the bathroom wearing robe or large t-shirt.  If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas.

3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - making mental notes about working out and eating better.  Criticize every little detail.

4) Get in the shower.  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and the pumice stone.

5) Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6) Wash your hair again, just to make sure that it's really clean.

7) Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil and coconut oil.  You don't really know what the coconut oil does, but everyone talks about it working miracles all over the place.

8) Wash your face with crushed apricot face scrub for 10 minutes until your skin is a nice shade of red.

9) Wash entire rest of your body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10) Rinse conditioner off of hair.

11) Shave your entire body.  Twice.  Damn goosebumps...

12) Turn off the shower.

13) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in the shower and spray mold prone spots with cleaner.

14) Get out of the shower, dry with a towel the size of a small country.  Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.

15) Check entire body for any zits or small stray hairs.  Freak out.  

16) Return to bedroom wearing towels.

17) If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2) Walk naked to the bathroom.  If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making a "woo-woo" sound.

3) Look in the mirror, look at your man-hammer and scratch your ass.

4) Get in the shower.

5) Wash our face and armpits.

6) Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

7) Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

8) Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.

9) Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the bar of soap that smells like auto air freshener.  New Car scent.

10) Shampoo your hair, make shampoo mohawk.

11) Pee.  Twice.

12) Rinse off and get out of the shower.

13) Partially dry off, fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the tub the entire time.

14) Admire wiener size in the mirror.

15) Leave the shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, light and fan on.

16) Return to bedroom with towel around your waist.  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and yell out "helicopter!!"

17) Throw wet towel on the bed.

    I woke up one morning to discover the world dressed in ash. I lay on the scorched earth -what used to be my floor - stark naked. Seeing my bare skin I quickly covered my body, red with embarrassment, only to realize there was no one to hide from. Every hair on my body was singed and my head was nearly bald. 

"Even I can't possibly make this look good." I murmured. 

    The air was filled with the smell of burnt flesh and the sky was filled with a vibrant orange. I nearly thought I could hear the desperate cries of people. The landscape was empty now. Nothing was moving, except the black ashes which tumbled in the wind. 

    It was hard to believe that just the day before, this was a cityscape. Buildings bloomed with glass-window petals and hard cement stems. The people of New York were on the move, as always. Yellow cabs and cars honked as road rage slowly formed in the never-ending traffic. It had been autumn.

    I could hardly tell what the season was anymore. I got to my feet and found that blisters had formed on the balls of my feet - protecting them from the scorching hot sand and dirt. 

"Hello?"

Nothing. 

    So this is the real deal. I was the only who survived the disaster that destroyed everything while everyone slept. No one saw it coming - not even the most brilliant scientists. Rosie and her family were gone. Lewis the newspaper man was gone too. Everything, just gone. Just like that. But why me? Why must I continue on? I had no one now.. I pinched myself believing it must be a dream, but it wasn't. It was a reality crueler than I had ever known - crueler than I could ever imagine. 

I was the only person left on Earth.

Rain keeps falling

Drizzling, dripping

Pattering upon my pane

Falling, falling

Ever falling

Gray and humid

Comes the rain

Days go past

Precipitation

Thrums and hums

And drums and numbs

I’m lost in aimless

Cogitation

Reason to the rain succumbs

Drops assault the ground

Relentless

Days become a week

Eventless

Soporific

Moist and soggy

Saturated

Dull and doggy

Dank and dreary

Wet and smeary

Cold and clammy

This? Miami?

Where’s the sun?

Christ! It’s December!

Yet the rain

Keeps falling down

Has it been a week already

That this rain’s been falling steady?

Trickling on without improvement

For some wicked God’s amusement

Show’ring on and on and on

Oh cease, I say

Anon, anon

Joints are creaky

And rheumatic

Water penetrates

My attic

Life’s become

So stark and static

Think I’m going to

Build an ark

Lord, I hope the time is nearing

When the sun will be appearing

And the clouds commence to clearing

And the atmosphere stops drearing

But I must confess I’m fearing

That this rain

Will linger on

And on and on

And on and on