I went eight days without feeling like I wanted to pick apart my heart and fill my throat with anything that could make me feel less empty

Fill it so full until my breaths cull and suddenly collapse

Did you notice how my mouth looks just like a debacle

And my fingers like fiascos

Often, when I'm low, I feel like a catastrophe waiting to happen because I know what I'm capable of

I destroy what I love

Kill life before it kills you

That's my motto, although I feel like some aspects of my life are beating me black and blue

But that's just me being dumb, especially today, because I feel particularly numb

I'm doing more diagnostics and I'm starting to realize things I didn't know before

I have to roll over three times before I can sleep and often before I leave any bathroom I have to tap my leg in three sets of ten

I don't like letting anyone in

I check if I locked the door three times so maybe you have to unlock me three times before I can even say hello without feeling like a weight on your chest

But I'm digressing

I mess and still am messing up so many things everyday

From daily conversations with things I shouldn't say

Eight days down the gutter

I don't want to utter another word

Go away, I'm a basket case

Haven't you heard

Tell me a tale

Reminisce and regale

Unwind me a song

That's languid and long

Heal with a word

Faux or absurd

Undo, then repair

Lament with due care

Last, sign across me

Yours, sincerely...

your fingertips feel like silk flower petals against my shoulder blades and my pain seems to fade into oblivion your lips light a spark on every inch of me and i'm illuminated by glamour and trickery i know you don't love me but your hand in mine is too precious to waste and i'll sell my soul for just one taste of your heaven even though you're my greatest sin i'm happier than i've ever been just lingering in your presence gives me the illusion of free will after all i'm choosing you still so that must be a sign that you're more to me then reliving some great past life but i'm not sure you think there's more to me i think you're enjoying the attention and the misery it puts me in when you're away oh how i want you to stay but i know you're as fleeting as a summer's dream and you'll never identify me with beauty but damn to stare into those eyes as you whisper sweet lies leaves me hypnotized but i'm so intimidated by your habits of leaving and never looking back i'm just hoping i'm the lucky one and you won't leave me alone on my own to suffocate as i attempt to breathe through my heart attack i know there's some deeper meaning beyond your vacant expression some traumatic experience that can't be contained by false affection but whatever it is it's gone now as you take your place on center stage and end our performance of a maestro playing a silly girl's ribcage like a harp as you end the performance with a bow as you've fooled everyone from me to the crowd that you believe in love and that tonight it's been found