Chʼį́įdii
I’ve always loved the idea of ghosts, and wanted it to be true. Who wouldn’t? It’s an afterlife.
The death of my dear friend was different.
The day following his death, I had retreated to my bedroom (in the same house where he had just passed) to try and sleep. I fell asleep finally, but was awoken into sleep paralysis. I’ve experienced this frequently since childhood, but in this instance it was very different. Worse. I could see in front of me, couldn’t move, but then there was this shape of someone pressed against me. I had this extreme tactile sensation of someone behind me with their arms and legs around me trying to squeeze me as hard as they could. It felt like a persons force but not like an actual body. I tried to move to break the paralysis but I couldn’t. Instead I felt this incredible pain that felt like every individual cell was being stabbed with red-hot needles. I fought it and I broke free from it in the end, but have been shaken by it since. I took to research the phenomenon and the best scientific explanation didn‘t quite fit: a stress response after experiencing emotional trauma. Sure, but I tell you - I felt a whole person forced on me, violently. So, no. It took me years to find an answer that fit. My ancestors had that answer. I am a member of the Navajo tribe. In our culture we try to let the dying pass away outside. If they die inside a house or hogan then the place is condemned and thought of as cursed. When someone dies their chʼį́įdii is released. Chʼį́įdii are the parts of us that we did not bring to harmony in our life time. Our malice, resentments, guilt.