oh wouldn’t it be nice

to be a child of the light?

someone who could open their hands

and grow daisies in their palms?

oh wouldn’t it be nice

to be a child of the light.

feel roots around your fingers

and weave vines through your hair.

Miriam Donnovan woke up on Tuesday morning the same way she always did. Stretch, coffee, feed the dog, social media. After a short while of scrolling, she noticed a status update from her sister, Serena, that was written in all capitalized and bolded lettering.

“THE END IS NEAR”

Several comments followed, full of their family and Serena’s coworkers and friends laughing, calling her crazy, and otherwise mocking her cryptic message. It was always the same story with Serena, and Miriam began to break out in a cold sweat.

“The end is near?” Miriam mumbled, hunched over her laptop reading the various comments.

“Serena I know you work at a coffee shop but I think it’s time to lay off the espresso,” one of her friends commented twenty minutes ago.

Miriam was on the fence about the situation and whether she should brush this off as truly too much caffiene or pursue her sisters eerie message. Serena considered herself a seer. She claimed since they were in the seventh grade that she ‘just knew’ what was going to happen and, sure enough, her tellings always showed themselves to be true.

Serena had predicted world events, she had predicted deaths, she predicted the weather, she just seemed to know everything that there was to know in the Earths timeline. However, she had also been known to make mountains out of molehills. Miriam recalled when they were in their sophomore year of high school and Serena had already shown just how accurately she could see into the future. Serena had told her that she was going to die in the next week and, four days later, her boyfriend broke up with her.

Miriam let out a quiet, breathy laugh as she closed her laptop and rolled her eyes. After taking a boiling shower and getting dressed for the day, she called her mother on the phone. The dial tone rang a few times before she answered.

“Hello?” Miriams mother, Judy, sang into the phone.

“Mom, are we still on for brunch? I haven’t eaten so we can really get our moneys worth,” Miriam chucked. Judy was always on a budget and, if they would go out to eat, always made sure her kids were good and hungry so that nothing would turn into leftovers and be wasted.

“Oh! Yes, yes, let me brush my teeth and grab my purse and I’ll meet you there. No need to wait, just order me a cappuchino!” Judy frantically yelled a bit too loud into the phone and Miriam could hear her shoes thudding against the tile floor.

“Mom please don’t rush yourself, you’ll get hurt that way. Take as much time as you need. Oh, and did you see what sis posted online this morning?” Miriam paced around her kitchen alternating from looking at her dog, Jackson, to out her window. Her mother was still frantic it seemed, though thankfully she had slowed her pace.

“I did! I wanted to ask you about that, but I’m going to get ready and we can talk about it when we get there. Love you, Mimi!” Judy spoke fast, almost so fast that Miriam wondered if she could breathe.

“Love you too mom, see you in a bit. No rushing! I want you there in one piece!” She laughed and the two of them hung up.

“Alright, Jackson, be a good boy. Mama will be back later!” She called to the husky as she finished getting ready, grabbing her purse and heading to the car.

__________________________________________

Judy rushed into the restaurant, quickly found her daughter, and went to sit down on the opposite side of her in the booth.

“Had you forgotten?” Miriam laughed, sipping her glass of lemon water.

“I just got so distracted with the laundry and feeding your father, honey, I just lost track of time. I hope you haven’t been waiting long!” Judy swept her gray hair from her face and took a long swig of her coffee, breathing deeply.

“I see. I just got here almost ten minutes ago. I did want to ask you about Serena before I forget, though,” Miriam skimmed the menu, flipping each page over and back, deciding what to order.

“Oh yes, I was hoping you would know what’s going on,” Judy said, concerned. She hadn’t began to even look at the menu yet.

“No. I know you don’t believe in the supernatural, but what if something is actually going to happen and she knows something that we all don’t?” Miriam looked up to meet her mothers gaze.

“Sweetheart, your sister has made some rather shocking predictions and maybe gotten lucky a few times, yes. I think if she won’t elaborate on it, she’s just having a bad day. Not everything she posts is all that serious, Mimi. I personally think that she’s doing this to get attention, but who’s to say?” Judy dug her reading glasses from her purse and began flipping through the menu as well, leaving Miriam no less puzzled as she had been when she first saw the message.

“Should I call her? I mean the only way to know what her motives are is really just to ask her. On one hand I feel like she’s just overreacted about something like she did in high school when Joseph broke up with her. On the other hand, though, what if something sinister is going to happen and we never find out because she won’t publically say anything?” Miriam dug her phone out of her bag and began dialing her sisters number.

“You can do whatever you want. I do think talking to her is a wise idea. Not sure if she’ll be able to hear you with all of this commotion, though. Step outside if you need. I’ll wait for you before I order,” Judy placed her napkin in her lap and took another small sip of her coffee. With a nod, Miriam hit talk and walked outside, plugging one of her ears to shield from the speakers. She heard a sound like the line had been answered, but no one spoke on the other end.

“Hello? Serena? It’s me, your sister?” Miriam waited and eventually, her sister did speak.

“Hey M, I really need you to listen to me okay? I saw something and-”

“I know, I know, the end is near. What’d you see? This better not be something blown all out of proportion! You’ve given me quite a scare today!” Miriam scolded. Serena kept speaking then like she hadn’t even said anything.

“I saw something and I really think we’re doomed here. I had just woken up and I know this is going to sound insane, but all I could see was death and destruction and blood. There were helicopters and airplanes flying in the air dropping things to the civilians and it really looked like the end of the world. The end of humanity at the very least. It’s going to happen very soon. Like within a week, soon!” Serena was almost yelling loud enough for her voice to be heard outside of Miriams cell phone, and Miriam just stood there trying to process the tidal wave of information being shoved to her all at once.

“What are you talking about, Sera?“Miriam asked, dumbfoundedly. She tried desperately to find some way to string the story around into something less horrific.

“Did you not hear? We’re like, all going to die! I saw it! I saw the bodies! I saw the people flying above killing the people on the ground!” Serena shouted with a panic-stricken voice.

“Well just calm down! Could this be something small disguised as something big? I don’t know, like a demotion at work or a family or friends death?” Miriam scoffed, refusing to believe that something more catastrophic was indeed coming for humanity.

“No! I know what I saw. I typically know when I’m being overly dramatic, and I haven’t even really been that way in quite some time! Before you ask either, this was not a nightmare. I was awake. I woke up and sat up in bed when I saw it all. Nobody believes me, which I suppose is understandable. Seeing the end of the world isn’t exactly a thing that happens, y’know? I thought though that at lease you of all people would believe me, M!” Serena was in a full blown meltdown, and Miriam had frozen in her stance in front of the restaurant.

“Well did you see anything else? Surely there has to be more! You’re trying to tell me the world is just doomed and your silly little superpower only thought to warn us a week in advance?” Miriam hollered. Old couples walking into the restaurant stared at her like she was from another planet, but in that moment Miriam felt like the world really was closing in on her. As she sat down on a bench and put her head down, she felt her mother walk up and stop in front of her, her short heels the only thing in sight.

“No, M. I don’t think we’re getting out of this one. This isn’t like a serial killer that we can go to the police about. This is a full on apocalyptic scenario. I don’t think anyone is going to get out of this one. I think we’re done,” Serena said with a certain numbness to her voice. It was as if she had just given up as quickly as she had spiralled into hysterics.

“So you’re telling me now I have to just sit here knowing that we’re all going to die and I can’t even do anything about it? We can’t tell anyone? We just have to sit here and take it?” Miriam was the one who seemed to be going hysterical then, shifting in her seat and bouncing her legs as well. Her mother took a seat beside her and tried desperately to peer into her eyes and get some kind of a clue as to what was happening on the other end of the phone.

“You can try but I’m sure it’ll go just about as well as my vague post this morning. It was still really soon after I saw it all. Should I even bother making a longer post? Would anyone really take it seriously?” Serena sounded defeated and hopeless, like this depression had just swallowed her.

“Anything is better than doing nothing! I mean seriously, why am I out eating breakfast when this is all going to go down? Why am I wasting my time here when we could be trying to do something? If not now then when?” Miriam shouted, taking her mother aback. Judy furrowed her brows, mouth open just as confused as ever and slightly offended at the thought of her daughter blowing her off.

“M, I-” Serena started.

“Sera, seriously. I will drop everything and come over right now. Mom will too I’m sure. We need to think of something and we need to do it fast. There’s absolutely no time to waste!” Mirian shouted, scrambling to get up and grab her purse from her mother.

“M, I saw it again,” Serena said in a hushed tone.

“Well?” Miriam stopped in her tracks and turned toward the restaurant and her mother again.

“The government. The feds. They’re the ones. They’re coming for us. In planes, in helicopters, on the ground, they’re getting rid of us! They’re killing us off and starting a war to end all wars! The next world war, the one to wipe out humanity, it starts with us. With the civilians!” Serenas voice rose and rose until it was back in that familiar scream.

“Oh my god,” Miriam covered her mouth and placed her phone against her chest.

“Are you planning on explaining to me what’s going on? Both of you are scaring me senseless! I need to know what’s going on!” Judy hollered coming up to her daughter and grabbing her shoulders.

“We’re screwed,” Mirian replied with a deadpan tone and a teary eyed smile.

“Excuse me?” Judy asked with a short laugh.

Miriam did not reply and, instead, walked briskly away to her car.

Lionel stared out to the horizon, taking in the salty air and waiting hopefully for food to come. The only two fish to bite his line since dawn had been too small to take home.

Typically, Lionel had no problem attracting bass, snapper, sometimes even grouper if he was lucky. Squinting to look at the shimmering waves, he tried to find any fish that could be swimming near his small boat.

“Alright fishies, you’ve forced me to use the big guns,” Lionel mumbled to himself as he reeled in his empty line and switched his bait to something he thought would be foolproof. Live bait that he bought from his close friend had to be better than the stuff he got at bigger corporations. His friends had never guided him astray before, so he figured this bait had to be saved for an occasion such as this. If he didn’t catch anything suitable soon he feared that he would surely go hungry.

Stabbing his hook through the smaller fish, he tossed his line as far as his arms and hands would let him. They couldn’t quite perform with the same force that they used to.

As he sat tapping his foot impatiently, his ears picked up a sound he’d never heard before. The docks were quite a ways away and no other boats were nearby. Lionel felt it not wise to investigate, for so long as he felt unthreatened he could still possibly row into town with a meal or two. Still though, he had an uneasy feeling begin to rise within him.

Something that sounded like a motor started up in the distance then, and Lionel began speaking to himself, trying to reassure his heart which had quickened its beating.

“Nothing more than one of those kids in their big fancy boats. Such a shame no one does it the old fashioned way anymore. Everyone would rather be lazy than put just a little elbow grease in and do anything properly,” he sighed and leaned a bit in his seat on the boat.

Just as he’d gotten himself more comfortable and prepared for more possible hours with no luck, his fishing rod nearly got yanked out of his hand.

“Oh mama we’ve got a big one!” Lionel shouted as he jumped up, nearly falling out of the boat himself. He gripped the rod and began to try and tackle the possible feast at the other end of the line.

Reel, slack, reel, slack, reel, slack, this fish was not letting Lionel win that easily. His arms began to give out but, determined as he was, there was no way he could justify letting himself miss this. This was what he had been waiting for and if the fish was as big as it felt, it could feed him for days to come.

“Alright buddy, you gotta fight fair. I ain’t letting you go but if I’m lucky that hook’s got you good and since you’re not wanting to cooperate I’ll let you squirm all you want. I can play the long game, but it’s going to be a more painful death,” Lionel preached as he sat back down, still firm on his grip of the rod, and let the fish pull a bit.

It went on like this for a couple of minutes while Lionel regained some of his strength. It’d felt like the fish had almost popped his arm out of its socket and if he had kept going like he previously was, he would’ve definitely gotten hurt and lost it.

Just as Lionel felt he would get up and try his luck with the beastly fish again, it yanked on the line harder than it had before. Lionel, being unprepared for the amount of force the fish found so suddenly, let out a scream that was then cut short by the boat tipping over. Lionel, as well as all of his possessions, found themselves in the water and he had no idea what to do.

Lionel could barely process what was going on, and had a sort of stubbornness about him. No way is this fish going to be able to swim at this rate for very long, Lionel thought to himself as he panted to try and keep above the water while the fish dragged him away.

The thing that hadn’t dawned on him was that the fish was not at all pulling him down. It swam in one straight line at one continuous speed. It did not slow, it did not quicken, and Lionel quickly lost track of where he was. His boat was no longer in sight and looking into the blinding blue sky he could make out some sort of dark building in the distance that the fish was swimming straight for.

No way could this be town. The fish had dragged him the opposite way, and going this way there would be no land for quite some time unless it was a small island.

Every time Lionel felt like letting go, he remembered what his father used to tell him when they would go to the lake together.

“If you’ve got a tug on your line and it’s really trying to get away, you know you’ve got the right one.”

Struggling to breathe, Lionel tried desperately to see what the building that they were heading towards could be. It was on a platform and seemed to be somehow floating on the water. It was huge, gray, and a probable source to the motor he had heard earlier. The building grew taller and the noise grew louder as he kept being tugged forward.

Any sane man would let it go, he thought. Any sane man would have accepted his loss, but the fight was too deep in now and the only thing Lionel began to care about was declaring victory and what an amazing story this would become.

Lionel could barely hear anything the closer they got. He felt that he would surely go deaf from this as the motors sound engulfed the air and the only other thing he could hear was how hard his heart was beating.

The fish came to a sudden stop as they approached the platform of this building, and Lionel supposed that it had hit something and killed itself, so he took the opportunity to climb onto the platform and reel in the fish at last. Only something was very wrong.

Upon reeling in what he thought was a fish that would end his hunger for weeks to come, he quickly realized that it wasn’t. It was a mechanical device unlike any he’d seen before.

“A robot?” He asked loudly.

“Lionel Morris.” A womans voice said from behind him, just loud enough for him to hear over the motor.

He turned slowly and his eyes widened, and in that moment he realized that his father might not have been right all those years ago.

If you’ve got a tug on your line and it’s really trying to get away, you might not want to know what’s on the other end. It might be a fish, but it might be the very thing that kills you in the end.

Tonight I sat in an old car with the love of my life and simply felt.

When the keys turned in the igniton and the gear shifted, so did something within.

They pressed down on the gas pedal and my heart swelled.

For the first time I see how it is to feel truly alive.

We only drove around the block, about fifteen minutes maybe, but it felt like an hour.

Time stopped for a while and I dove, deep and fast, into hope.

Like a psychic looking into a crystal ball, I transcended time and traveled to the future.

Everything lined up and it felt like my whole life was waiting for this car.

Windows down, radio up, hands intertwined at the center console.

They pump the gas and we watch the world fly by.

All of the worries, all of the previous heartache just blows away in the crisp night air.

We are one, we are free, we are happy, we are singing loudly and badly and we don't care.

Tonight I sat in an old car with the love of my life and everything changed.

I suddenly could not remember a time where I didn't feel weightless.

Depression, anxiety, and physical pain felt like distant relatives that I no longer speak to.

The only thing to tear at my heart was the realization that tonight couldn't last forever.

When people look at me they see someone who looks too small for their age.

I still find myself enjoying childish things, so I don't mind it sometimes.

When people find out I've experienced trauma, they're very quick to offer comfort.

I appreciate it, I say thank you, and I pray that the conversation ends there.

When people think of mental illnesses related to trauma they think of one thing.

"Post traumatic stress disorder is often what soldiers come back from war with."

While PTSD is not limited to just war, there are more than just the one.

It is considered rare, but there are DID and OSDD to name two more.

How is it then that I suddenly turn from a childish adult to something more sinister?

Those with PTSD are considered brave and given all of the support in the world.

So why do things change when I finally decide to open up about my DID?

Why am I demonized? Why am I shamed? Why am I compared to horror films?

When people find out I have DID they say that it's rare and lots of people fake it.

They don't realize that 1% of 7 billion still means there are millions of us out there.

We're told that we're scary and that there are killers living in all of us.

People without the disorder don't know what it's like so they're scared of it.

No one wants to ask questions it seems, they just want to run away.

I really don't think there's some derranged murderer inside of me somewhere.

All I see are a group of plain people just trying to get through this crazy life.

A headspace full of adults and kids, boys and girls, trapped inside of one body.

#EraseTheStigma #DissociativeIdentityDisorder

This piece was written to be educational. Yes, I do have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am a system of almost 15 alters. If anyone has any questions about this disorder or what it's like living with it, I will do my best to answer. There is such a stigma around DID and I'm just trying to do my part to erase that, because we deserve the same respect as everyone else on this earth, regardless of if we're a singlet or not. Thank you for reading and please be respectful.

Cotton candy girl with cinnamon spice hair,

sunlight lives inside of your soul.

Rays illuminate your golden eyes.

When you come around the air feels lighter.

You send out love so strong that I swear

I can feel static coming from your fingertips.

You do so much more than you know.

You say you're but a helper like there isn't a halo

glistening above your head.

If I didn't know better I'd say you've put me under a spell.

For when I see the door open and you come out to play

I find myself instantly smiling.

You live so close to me, almost within reach.

I find myself singing songs that you made up.

Little girl, how did I get this lucky?

I know a cotton candy girl with cinnamon spice hair.

A bubblegum dream girl who blows cutesy kisses.

An angel full of smiles that calls me "papa."

You idiot, you thief of love, you tyrant.

How could I have viewed hell as some kind of oasis for so long?

Your devlish charm was mistaken for love and acceptance;

Your nonsense lies were sticky sweet, like cherry lip gloss.

I thought for so long that you were smarter than I,

More level-headed, more wise in the ways of this world.

The bodies scattered across the dirt floor seemed to bow before you.

Some of them even reminded me of myself.

I met someone with crystal eyes and rosy cheeks,

Hair like an ocean at sunrise.

I wanted to kiss them and they reached for me too,

Only to surround themselves in high rising flames.

Someone that lovely could not be an evildoer,

But you told me that the devil is a master of disguise.

We met in secret from then on,

Like some kind of Shakespeare play.

The day I found out was a tornado.

All at once, your lies crushed you.

How could I be so blind?

The fire around us was your doing.

My darling dragged me into the sunlight,

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel true happiness.

They took my hand and kissed me as you burnt yourself to ashes.

You idiot.

“Well done, Lander. We have finally defeated them. You have helped me do what I set out to achieve in life. You’ve made a grand apprentice, and thus I am handing my sword down to you. Good luck on your future journeys, and may you be delivered a sidekick that is just as good to you as you’ve been to me. So long, dear friend.”

Lander watched as the supervillain he had been fighting alongside for months, Pandora, walked away from their final battle. This moment that she had been waiting for had come, and Lander thought that he would be more excited.

All he could do was stand there, looking at his shiny reward and the lips of the princess he’d thought he hated grow bluer in the dim light. Why was he not celebrating? Why was he not happy? These thoughts raced through his mind, plagued him almost.

“This is what we wanted. This is what all of that training I went through was for. We worked hard for this,” Lander spoke softly, partly to himself and partly to the body on the ground.

It seemed to Lander that a half-hour had gone by as he stood there, knees growing more and shakier and breath getting away from him the more he looked at her. Her long, vibrantly colored hair was captivating. Her gown was torn but still just as beautiful as when they’d taken her.

“I’m,” Lander started, his voice ever so slightly echoing in the empty room. “I’m so sorry.”

Just then, it seemed that something in the room had notably shifted. Whatever had been holding Lander together gave way to his true feelings. Feelings he thought he had buried with the help of Pandora. Feelings that had almost become foreign with how much he’d covered them over the past six months. Or so he thought, at least.

“I’m sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this. Why did I do this? Why did I help someone so wicked? I never wanted this! I loved you! I still do love you! Even as you lie here, dead partially by my own hands. I wish I could turn back the clock and never associate myself with someone so villainous. I did the worst thing possible to someone I loved so much more than I could ever love my own self. I don’t want this victory and I don’t want this bloody weapon!” He threw the sword as hard and far as he could away from the two of them, on his knees now, and cried for the first time in years. Pandora had splendid powers that he never even noticed before this moment. Before the duo met, Lander would have thrown himself in front of a wild lion for the princess but, he ended up becoming the lion in all of the commotion.

Lander punched the stone floor beside the princess, feeling hurt, foolish, and more idiotic than ever. He lied his head against the princess’ chest and let out a loud sob.

“Serenity!”