You say that I need to tell my story. That healing requires expression. That without sharing what I've been through, I'll never be able to share the burden of my past. Maybe you're right. Maybe I hide within myself; but nobody has ever given me a reason to share. So here goes nothing. Part one of a five part horror story. Viewer discression advised (sexual assult trigger warning).

At 12, you don't think anything bad will ever happen to you. Monsters only exist in stories and movies. That's what I thought. I was a carefree kid. I loved being around people. I loved having fun and making friends. I was the definition of a social butterfly. My grandparents used to take us on vacations every summer. They have those time share condos where you stay in this gated community with a bunch of uppity people who play golf all day. This was the first year that it was just me going with them, and I was so excited for the quality time I would get to spend with them on the trip.

We checked into the condo at around three and my grandparents wanted to spend some time at the club's bar socializing with the other adults, so I went to the designated kids area; it was kind of a mini club for the members under 18. It had a juice bar and arcade games and board game tables and a pool table. A group of kids that looked a little older than me were all hanging out at the pool table, so I walked over and introduced myself. I joined a game and soon enough I was laughing with the others there.

My grandparents came in at about 5 and asked if I was ready to go back to our condo. I was having so much fun that I told them I would head back later. We continued playing and soon enough it was getting dark outside. I decided to say goodbye and head back to my temporary home.

I'm from West Texas, home of flat land and cotton fields. Virginia in comparrison is so green and beautiful. The path split off further down the road. You could continue following the street and probably get there faster, or there was a little path that crossed a creek and went through the trees. I was a child and the little path was more whimsicle, so I turned to enter the trees.

I didn't hear anyone following me. I didn't know they were behind me. I felt hands grab me. I screamed. They laughed. Something covered my eyes. A tie or something, I never found out. My shirt was pulled up, not off, just over my breast. I fought as hard as I could, but that just made them laugh louder. My shorts were yanked down, passed my hips. I screamed again and something was stuffed in my mouth. Tears streamed down my face. My arms were pinned over my head, someone was sitting on my legs. I couldn't move, couldn't scream, couldn't fight.

It hurt, a lot. I think there were three of them. Their laugh sounded familiar. Like the guys I was just playing pool with. They took turns. One after another. Having a great time. I felt like they had done this before. I always thought of myself as the hero in the book. The girl that would keep fighting if something like that ever happened, but I'm not. I gave up. I stopped fighting and just let the tears stream down my face into the dirt below me. I think I passed out at some point, or my brain blacked out so I wouldn't remember anymore. They shoved my face into the dirt. Took the blindfold off and whatever was in my mouth, and they were gone.

I sat there alone for a while. Shivering in the dark. Not completely sure what had just happened. It could have been minutes, or hours, but I eventually snapped out of it enough to stand. It hurt to move, but I continued. I pulled my shirt down, and my shorts up. I turned and walked, slowly, to the condo. My grandparents barely glanced up from Wheel of Fortune when I walked in. I went straight to the shower and scrubbed every inch of my body as hard as I could. I couldn't get the feeling of their hands off of me.

I stayed in the condo, reading and watching TV, for the rest of the trip.

That laugh still echoes in my dreams.

You swept me away with pretty words and promises of cherishing me forever. You were the first person to make me feel beautiful, like I was the only person in the room. For four days I was on cloud nine; I loved every minute with you and could imagine myself spending forever with you. But you lied, and lies never stay hidden for long. You broke my trust so early, and I tried to move passed it. I really did, but it was too big for me to forget.

Every time I thought I could move forward, something else popped up. The perscription abuse and the alcohol problem, and yeah you fixed it for a time. But the minute we fought, you went right back to it. Pretty words and sex don't build a lasting relationship. My insecurities, my problems with your behavior, just caused fights.

You were so deep in your own mind, in your own problems, you couldn't possibly listen to mine too. You say that we should work together to get better, but I can't do that. You said you loved me after a week. I said it back because I wanted to make you happy. You wanted to make me your wife, but you still act like a child.

I ignored red flag after red flag because I was so wrapped up in the way you made me feel. I let you go 120mph on a motorcylce. I let my heart rule my actions for the first time in my life, and I only regret how it ended. How much I hurt you. You don't love me. You love the fun we had together, you love the emotional support I gave you, but it came at the cost of my mental health. I don't always know how to say no, especially not to people that I care about. You'll find someone to truly love. You'll find someone who will want to spend their life with you, but first you need to learn how to live with and love yourself.

I wish nothing but the best for you and your life. Three weeks is all it took for you to remind me to love myself. I hope you can continue to be sober and become the amazing man that I know you can be.