So I’m slowly learning I can’t please everyone. It’s my goal as a friend, partner, or whatever to you happy. Can’t do it. My brain works differently as my boyfriend tells me, it is normal because I am intellectual inclined because I analyze and compartmentalism small phrases and sometimes words which can misconstrue the contextual overall communication. So it hurts me when someone belittles and/or gets angry south me because I may not catch exactly what you are talking about until a key phrase is introduced.

After all that then dark thoughts start to creep into My brain. Thoughts that just make me want to disappear. Deep down I know I would never, but the option should never be there. I type this cause I just need someone to vent to and right now there’s no one to listen. So then my brain then starts to sub-categories everything everything is just all a mess. Maybe I’ll listen to music, play a concerto game, I don’t know. I guess I’ll just start a new category.

I have been working the same dead end job for four years now. I graduated college in 2019 in hopes for a way out. That hasn’t happened.

I think I’ve fallen for my knight in shining armor. Quickly though he was taken away from me. Fall for someone else and they either steal my brand new iPad. Now I sit here,writing this, emotionally confused.

Figuring out this game called life is no fun. Sometimes I wish I had that remote from the movie click.

Also can I turn down the difficulty setting to normal, not expert?

I’m just ready for a new start; a new shot at life. Well... let’s see what happens next.

Hopefully sometime good.

The first to say good morning.

The first to say goodnight.

The first to text.

The first to call.

The first to ride.

The first to die.

The first to tell you my feeling.

The first to get hurt.

I’m so tired of being the first for you

You don’t deserve it, at least not from me

I deserve so much more then just to be another sidepiece I deserve to be put first for a change.

Sitting here watching you be so happy, the happiest you have ever been, put such a smile on myy face. I tell you about my past experience with my ex and his drug addiction. I could see that this guy had so many of the traits of my ex, but you were blinded by your feelings. Do not blame yourself, I was once in the same boat you were in. I feared that he might not be the right fit for you and if you decided to stuck with it I feared that he might one day overdose and you get hurt even worse. My ex overdosed a few months ago and sadly he is no longer with us today. I miss him like crazy and I wish we did not end it like we did, but i digress. I am so happy that my bestie saw how toxic he was and you not have to wake up to the love of your life gone. He lied and messed with your feelings and now you are so much happier. Love you Bestie!

You put a huge smile on my face. Everytime we talk I will not shut up cause I am so nervous. When I am with you I get all sorts of butterflies in my stomach. We have been on two dates so far and I am really hoping that there will be a third. Even though there are some things that I know deep down I cannot force myself to live by. I do think that at least having you as a friend will cause me to grow in ways that I did not know how. no matter what happens, I am still looking forward to that third date.