I didn’t listen to a word you said and maybe I was wrong to think I was right but sometimes it says it’s going to rain and the sun shines bright instead so explain to me the way hope works when all you see is a bed to hide in or how sorrow knocks you out at the knees from behind and the pain is too powerful to get back up. Forgive me for all my insecurities and the confusion that shows on my face when you tell me that tomorrow is a new day. I’m figuring out that no one wrote the ending to this because the fight never ends and the hurt never stops but will you remind me again in an hour please?

Stranger things have kept me up at night than the thought of you in my bed again. Pressing pause on the moments that center around you even though all thoughts of you are a waste in my headspace. Daily texts from the optimistic sort of friends trying to naively convince me it will get better eventually. So that’s how I am back with you repeating mistakes I convinced myself I’d only make once. My brain warns me no but, my heart fights for you filtering out the bad to only show me what was good. Wanting the heartbreak to disappear so desperately I rather run back into the scent of your familiarity than confront the problems that define us. The guilt that bullies me isn’t from my friends but, the fact that I wasn’t even a hard win.

Tears threaten to overflow and my chest heaves with the familiar sorrow that seizes my chest inexplicably. I was raised to never wear my emotions on my sleeves and composure in public was key. Yet I’m melting to the floor, seeking out the darkest corner of this space. Sadness is passing through like an unexpected rainstorm that even the weatherman failed to predict. Tears freely streaming down my face and I’m gasping for so much air over and over. Whispering to a devil that doesn’t exist trying to make blind deals for one more moment with you.