An addiction

But a different kind

Not drugs or alcohol

But the feeling of pain

The release of chemicals

As the silver turns red

My breathing is starting to calm

Creating relief

I always wonder about it

If it causes pain

Why does it feel so good?

You’re worth more

than this organ trapped in my chest

whose voice no longer sings

of grand escapades throughout the stars

and prismatic bubbles

whose skin,

feeble but mystical,

illuminated your eyes

with unadulterated bliss.

Those eyes,

now saggy and tired,

will witness the birth

of a truly breathtaking star.

A star who will partake

upon a journey

to navigate the universe.

A star whose curiosity

unlimitedly expands,

and gruff asteroids

and silky moons

will treasure your innocence.

But its time

to swim amongst the cosmos.

Your eyelids speckled with iridescent stars

so everybody knows you are coming home.

I have to leave now,

I’ll be off on my own mission

trying to find the strength

to tell you

that I’ll see you tomorrow.

I.

Once I realized I had a thing for guys, my life changed for the worse. Whenever I thought about love, my heart would squeeze itself incredibly tight as if someone was getting off on the idea of crushing it. My heart would thump inside of my chest nervously, but excited at the idea that I was doing something wrong. I could imagine that smooth hand wrapping its delicate fingers around my heart. Got to know its ins and outs before playing its little game. When I questioned myself, it would squeeze my heart so I couldn't breathe. That hand had a name; it was Enes. Pronounced "Ness" because he was from the Netherlands.

Whenever I think back to my time with him and how it made me feel, I'm only able to come up with one word: safe. All I wanted was to feel his soft arms around me and find a place on his neck where I could relax my head. I wanted to feel warm.

I wasn't allowed to feel warm in real life. I came out as bi in 7th grade and that's when I stopped getting hugs from my friends. I guess they weren't comfortable with it. I can't blame them; I wasn't comfortable with it either. If I initiated the hug, they might have thought I was coming on to them and my already dwindling social status was more important than being warm. I told everyone I liked the cold anyway.

I was 13. Enes was 15. I spent his 16th birthday with him though. We met playing Mario Kart Wii and that's what we did on his birthday. Me, him, and a couple other friends played MKW for hours, laughing and carrying on (We even sang him Happy Birthday). I picked the worst track in the custom tracks pack over and over again just to piss the others off. The hours blurred together then and I didn't realize that the night was creeping up on me. From time to time, people would yell my name and ask for something but I never knew what they asked for. I didn't listen to them. I was known in the Mario Kart community for sitting far away from my TV so it probably looked like I was staring off into space for the better half of the day. Just mesmerized by all these colorful pixels that meant the world to me. Time didn't matter then. I just wanted to spend it with him.

We didn't make it to my 14th birthday.

II.

Once, one of my best friends sent me a meme that asked something along the lines of, "If there was a pill to make you straight, would you take it?"

YES.

He thought I wouldn't respond that fast. He thought I'd say no. He thought it was a dumb question hidden inside a dumber meme, but it was too true for me. I wanted to be a girl for the longest time because liking guys was a curse. If I were a girl, at least I'd be accepted because everywhere I went, someone had something against me. I didn't know it made me an enemy until I brought it up in casual conversation. It was as if I thought liking guys was normal. As if I was normal.

I wasn't in many large chats. They made me nervous since your messages often went unnoticed. It was like people were ignoring me. Messages scrolled by quickly. Especially on Skype where there was only one main chat. But, when I agreed with the girls in the chat on how certain guys were, the chats would go completely silent. It was as if I committed some blasphemous act and people didn't know how to respond.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

- Are you a fag?

Squeeze.

- What does that mean? Haha

- You like taking dick up your ass, don't you?

I left. I didn't talk in big chats for a while after that. I went on to tell a good friend about my sexuality to figure out if anything was wrong with me. She blocked me. So I asked another friend: someone who I looked up to.

- Well, it's unnatural. That doesn't mean it should be a big deal between us though.

Not natural? Oh. I already had so many unnatural things about me. I really didn't need another one. I used to place my head down on my desk and cry until I had nothing left. By then, it just sounded like heaving. Then, I'd roll over to my bed and hide under the covers. There were monsters all around me in this world and if I wanted to survive, I had to become one of them. One of those monsters so I wouldn't be hurt again. I didn't want to get eaten alive.

I became one of them with Enes' help. He helped me to develop an attitude, which was just another wall to erect so people couldn't see the real me. Or maybe I enjoyed cussing others out and not valuing their opinion. After all, I got positive feedback. Enes used to say that he loved it when I was in a bitchy mood.

I was the leader of a Mario Kart Wii clan, which is like a sports team. I made Enes co-leader. After his appointment to the position, the clan reeked of wilted white carnations. King Enes ascended to the throne quickly and I became the puppet king. I wanted to be a queen and rule alongside him. A benevolent one. I wanted to be respected and cherished. I'd treat my subjects well too. Catherine The Great-like

But being a puppet was hard. I had to please Enes, exacting his rules among our players. He'd often come to me, saying that he didn't like this player or that one. All the people in my clans were friends, but I kicked them out if Enes wished it so. He told me that we were going to make a better clan. One with better players that could compete with the greats. I was destroying my life.

But he was the only person who could calm me down. We became inseparable, the king and his puppet. Everything he did, I did as well, which included ignoring my friends to hang out with him. I didn't understand why people began to leave me. I was just being a good boyfriend. Though, I forgot I had a mind of my own. He just made me so happy and warm so I was happy forfeiting my free will if I could stay warm.

We'd stay up til' it was pitch black outside. I was tucked snuggly under the covers, staring at the ceiling with him in my ear. His voice was kinda deep, sultry. It sent shivers down my spine.

- You know, no matter how far we're apart, we're still under the same sky.

- I never thought of it like that.

- Can you see the stars?

I blinked, continuing to stare at the ceiling. All of a sudden, light pooled in from the window and sparkling stars inhabited my ceiling. They created intricate shapes and figures that I could never name but was in love with nevertheless.

- Xavier?

- Yeah... Yeah, I can see them.

I didn't realize I was crying until he asked me what was wrong.

III.

One day, Enes pulled me into a chatroom that encrypted your messages so well that when you left, the computer couldn't decrypt them. I realized that something might be wrong with him. My heart raced. I thought he was going to break up with me.

- Can you keep a secret?

- O-of course, what's up?

- Do you know what cp is?

I exhaled, relieved. He wasn't breaking up with me. He just wanted to ask a dumb question. I leaned back in my chair, it creaked under the pressure. I was so relieved that I forgot to respond. Another question mark appeared on the screen and I scrambled to the keyboard.

- No. No, I don't. What is it?

- Child porn.

- What?

- Child porn. I'm into it.

I never thought of Enes as a predator. He was my boyfriend.

Mine.

I'd never had one of those before. And I was taught that people were supposed to stick together through everything. We were going to get through this.

- Oh...

- Is that fine with you?

- mhm....

- Good. Then there's one other thing.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of the screen. He was typing for a long time and my heart only beat faster every second. I thought I was having a heart attack.

- I'm also into bestiality and gore.

He included a link.

- Do you like it?

I clicked on the link. I've been on this site before, Derpibooru. It was for My Little Pony art. I went on it occasionally when I was a lot younger to browse for cool pictures. I knew there was a dark side to the website, but I never visited it before. I knew something was wrong when the picture was blocked by this shocked looking pony asking me to input my age because the picture was Not Safe For Work. I scanned the title of this work of art.

"A Machine's Got To Eat"

I quickly entered in a fake birthday. I used the same month and day of my actual birthday, but the year was pushed back a ton.

What I remember of this picture was a machine holding Pinkie Pie, a character in My Little Pony, upside-down by the hoof. She was screaming, her cheerful pink hair darkened by her own blood. There was nothing left of her stomach. Bones haphazardly poked out while her innards were strewn about. The machine looked pleased with what it was doing. I didn't like how he calmly called this gore. It was something more than that. It was sick.

But I couldn't look away. It was mesmerizing in a disturbing way. I didn't like it. Don't get the wrong idea. I just couldn't rip my eyes from the screen.

I clicked away. I deleted my search history. I deleted it again and again as if I deleted it enough, I could get that image out of my head. Then I remembered I was talking to Enes. I needed to answer. What do I even say about this? Well, I had a decision in front of me. Either I denounce him and tell him that he needs help or I accept and love him.

But I was looking for something. Something that started in the pit of my gut and slowly spread to the edges of my body. Soon, it'd become my shield. It enveloped me, this little bubble that of mine supplied everything I'd ever need. It made me feel warm. And Enes could provide that. Plus, aren't lovers supposed to stay together for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health? He was sick. I could be the cure.

- Yeah... I love it. Almost as much as I love you~

- I love you too, cutie~

Warm.

IV.

Sex.

It's an important part of a relationship. So, once he brought it up, I wasn't surprised. I just wasn't ready. I already devoted all of my time to him. I felt all itchy at school when I couldn't use my phone. The only thing I looked forward to was consultation. Then I could pull it out and talk to him for 30 minutes. I couldn't spend more than 10 minutes without thinking about him and an hour without talking to him. What more did he want?

I knew what I wanted:

Validation.

I needed someone to tell me that they loved me. That I was worth it. That I wasn't the pile of worthless garbage I thought I was. Normal friends wouldn't cut it. I needed that connection. That intimate connection. I craved it. I could be anyone you wanted as long as you told me you loved me.

I even tried learning Dutch. It was to surprise him next year on his birthday. I wanted to have a conversation with him in his mother tongue. I spent hours on Duolingo trying to learn the basics. To say it was impossible would be an understatement. The letters formed words in ways that didn't make sense and all the words I remembered were getting lost in my brain so when that little green bird asked me to regurgitate one, I had a hard time searching for them through the fog in my head. Oddly enough, I always remembered one word in particular: Gevangenis. That's the word for prison.

When he came to me asking for nudes, I didn't say yes. But I also didn't say no. The thought of sharing something so private, where I was so vulnerable, made me uncomfortable.

- Don't you love me?

- Yeah...

- Then send me a picture. It doesn't have to be much. Just wear only underwear.

I felt like he was watching me. Like he could see me through the screen and watch my naked body. I knew he was judging me, but I loved him. So I did it. I took off all my clothes, except for my underwear and looked myself over in the mirror. I hated the way I looked. I was too chubby. Too shy... Too... black.

I've had troubles with my race for a long time. I grew up around people of all races, so not necessarily just black people. We were invited to everything: Birthday parties, community events, etc. I loved it. But once I started getting older, I noticed people began to treat me differently. People would tiptoe around my senses, poking at prodding at them to see what was okay to say and what wasn't. Could my friends call me bro without it sounding weird?

I quickly realized that me being black was like me liking guys. Everywhere I went, something was wrong with me. This was especially prevalent on the internet where anonymity is used as a shield to protect racists. They would throw every slanderous word in the book at me. Also, the amount of times people asked me "That's okay to say, right?" or "You're not offended by that, right?" was honestly disturbing. It was like I was this other thing that people couldn't comprehend. A zoo attraction for people to stare and laugh at.

So when Enes told me he liked the way I looked, I didn't believe him. He was one of the only people I told that I was black on the internet. Being black was disgusting. I didn't understand why the universe cursed me like that.

When I sent that I underwear pic to him, I threw my phone across the room afterward. I questioned myself. Why the fuck did I just do that? I felt so slimy, so disgusted, so violated. My phone was laying face down on the floor across the room. I was still semi-naked, still raw. I turned it over slowly

- You're really hot~

V.

It was my fault that we broke up. I ruin everything I touch. Things weren't as enjoyable in our relationship after I sent that first picture. I started to get extremely paranoid. In our clan chat, he'd flirt with this other gay guy who I'd been friends with for a couple years. When he found out I was black, he said this straight to my face,

- I don't like black gays. They scare me.

Enes wouldn't let me kick him from the clan. There was definitely something between them, but Enes kept reassuring me that there was nothing. That it was all in my head. From then on, whenever I looked around me in real life, people were always talking about me. Whenever someone laughed, they were always laughing at me. This darkness was creeping up inside of me and I was scared it was going to take over.

Enes played with this darkness. He quelled it at times and groomed it at others He saw everything in me. He saw parts of me I didn't even know existed. He knew I was starting to get bullied at school. He knew I was sick and tired of people playing with my emotions. He knew I wanted to do something about it. He especially knew I loved him and would stick with him no matter what he did. So he asked for more pictures.

And I gave them to him.

I was always frustrated once I got home from school and he was able to calm me down. He was able to coerce me into giving him whatever he wanted. Some of that coercion came with threats. He threatened to release the pictures I'd already given him to my friends. I knew this was my fault, but I still wanted to stick with him. He was everything at this point.

I got really angry at him one day for making fun of me in front of my friends. I finally exploded. The darkness overflowed out of me and cloaked everything around me in black. That's all I could see: hatred. He was supposed to be the one defending me, but he was doing the opposite of that. I yelled at him a lot and he took it quietly. Seeming to understand and agree with my anger. Then, after I was finished, he broke up with me.

At first, I thought he was joking. He was really funny so this must've been a joke. Then, I started apologizing. The screen was spammed with "sorry" and "don't hate me" and "I'll be better" but he didn't except them. He was done with me.

I blocked him out of anger.

Then, I unblocked him the next day.

I yelled at him.

He yelled at me.

I told him I loved him.

I called him names.

One of which, was the screen name he used on Skype and Mario Kart:

Madness.