I tried. I’ve been trying my whole life to live up to people’s expectations. I never wanted to let someone down, to feel guilty for someone else’s sadness. I’ve been running around and my entire existence changed when I started feeling the darkness covering my naive soul.

I always wanted to be in control of everything. To know every move, to hear every heartbeat, to listen to every thought trembling on people’s lips, to protect every young smile and caress every tear. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way cause that’s how life works. Every time you feel like you’ve reached the peak of the mountain, an emotional earthquake shatters the bricks you used to build up the empire of your existence. I used to cry a lot. I used to lock myself in my room, crawl under my blankets and bury my head in the quicksands of fear. I was tired of putting that happy fake mask every time I’d go out to see someone. It was exhausting. It still is. I never wanted to show weakness, to show fear or anxiety, but my eyes were shouting in despair. Nobody noticed and it was fine. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe they shouldn’t have.

I used to pretend everything was fine cause I thought things will get better. I tried to imagine a world full of happiness, but inside me… there was disorder and confusion. I lost myself trying to control everything. I lost myself in the chaos of thoughts. The chaos became bigger and bigger and soon I found myself on the edge of disaster but somehow I always managed to take a step back. To resist the urge of looking down. I ran away scared. Ran away some more. Suddenly I stopped and looked back, but I felt like someone’s watching me. Watching every move I make. Like I was a prey. I was the prey. Waiting for the bullet to hit me, I dodged and it hit the mirror which spread like puzzle pieces. Pieces I never managed to glue back together. Pieces belonging to different games and I was stuck in between levels. Jumping around, pushing, scratching, fighting the monsters inside my head like I was the hero of a story with a not so happy ending. In fact, the story never ends cause after you, someone else will start playing the same game, but maybe, just maybe, he’ll be better than you. Or maybe... we all bleed the same.

I’m taking off the mask today. I’ll try to lock it away for some time to see what happens. Maybe for once I’m going to say No! when something bothers me. Maybe for once I’m going to be stronger on the inside as I am on the outside. I’m here now and all I can think about is that life’s like a carousel of broken dreams and promises. I see these scratches and bruises along the skin of my life and I wish that other people could see them too. I’m not afraid of showing weakness cause that’s the biggest weakness of them all. I tried. I’m done trying.