“Kaleeb?”

“It’s pronounced Kay-lub. It’s spelled like the C form of Caleb, but with a K. Kaleb. Here!”

“Steven?”

“You mean Steven spelled Stephan? Like Steffan? Here!”

“Jenna?”

“I think you mean Jean-na; there’s an A after the E. I’m here.”

The substitute teacher really was trying to get these names right. Her own name was always being pronounced incorrectly, and she thought her name’s easy; it’s Lea. Yet people never knew whether to pronounce it Lee or Lee-ah [she uses Lee]. Whenever it was her first day with a new group of students, she unfortunately felt like that 10-year old parody that Key & Peele did about a substitute teacher mispronouncing students’ names. Inevitably, the more she got the names incorrect, the more nervous she became, and her pronunciation judgment waned.

And here came a doozy; there was NO WAY she would be able to say this one out loud. It had to have been a joke on the roster to mess with subs, or this student’s guardians were a piece of work when they gave this name. The gender marker in the roll book said ‘female,’ which she felt made it even worse, if it COULD have been worse.

She could tell this wasn’t the first time this class had been through this; whispers and snickers were ebbing and cresting around the room. Many of the faces watched her as she contemplated how to handle this particular name, which she was on the verge of deciding was a joke and skipping it.

The student herself saved the embarrassing moment; “It’s pronounced Shi-thead, emphasis on the thead, which rhymes with read. And I’m here, too.”

Nope. The sub never would have pronounced “Shithead” correctly.

As we finish singing another song, I exclaim, “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing. Do You Hear What I Hear?"

“Angels We Have Heard on High,” Herbie said. And I Wonder as I Wander if he really wanted to say, while high.

"Children, Go Where I Send Thee," Carol said as she turned toward the children who joined us just so they could sing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which was coming up next. “Especially you, Little Drummer Boy. Go stand next to the girl with the Silver Bells.”

“This isn’t my First Noel,” replied the snarky little boy.

“Go Tell It on the Mountain," Carol muttered under her breath. “But, young man, don’t you want to bring Joy to the World with your talent? You might be lucky enough to have something Christmasy named after you like I did. Ever hear of a Christmas Carol? Those songs were named after ME! I’m Carol!”

The little girl with the Jingle Bells looked up in awe at Carol. “Are you Carol of the Bells, too?” she gushed. “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day last year." She prattled on, “My name is Gretel Tannenbaum. What will they name after me?”

"O Holy Night," Herbie cussed to himself. “Look,” he said so everyone, even those Away in a Manger, could hear, “if we’re gonna finish before it’s too late, like before It Came Upon the Midnight Clear, let’s get the children singing. In the meantime, us geezers can Rest You Merry, Gentlemen. We’re all looking forward to going home to get the Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

“Herbie’s right,” I agreed. “Come All Ye Faithful and sing loud enough for the Beautiful Star of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania to hear us!”