“Kaleeb?”

“It’s pronounced Kay-lub. It’s spelled like the C form of Caleb, but with a K. Kaleb. Here!”

“Steven?”

“You mean Steven spelled Stephan? Like Steffan? Here!”

“Jenna?”

“I think you mean Jean-na; there’s an A after the E. I’m here.”

The substitute teacher really was trying to get these names right. Her own name was always being pronounced incorrectly, and she thought her name’s easy; it’s Lea. Yet people never knew whether to pronounce it Lee or Lee-ah [she uses Lee]. Whenever it was her first day with a new group of students, she unfortunately felt like that 10-year old parody that Key & Peele did about a substitute teacher mispronouncing students’ names. Inevitably, the more she got the names incorrect, the more nervous she became, and her pronunciation judgment waned.

And here came a doozy; there was NO WAY she would be able to say this one out loud. It had to have been a joke on the roster to mess with subs, or this student’s guardians were a piece of work when they gave this name. The gender marker in the roll book said ‘female,’ which she felt made it even worse, if it COULD have been worse.

She could tell this wasn’t the first time this class had been through this; whispers and snickers were ebbing and cresting around the room. Many of the faces watched her as she contemplated how to handle this particular name, which she was on the verge of deciding was a joke and skipping it.

The student herself saved the embarrassing moment; “It’s pronounced Shi-thead, emphasis on the thead, which rhymes with read. And I’m here, too.”

Nope. The sub never would have pronounced “Shithead” correctly.

Two fraternal twins paced impatiently, placing bets, while awaiting the decision of who will be singly called before the Royal Court, today, to amuse the Dignitaries:

"Of course, it shall be me!" laughed Kahmedeigh.

"No, certainly it will be me!" declared Tragedeigh.

And when the doors opened, the Herald announced the decision firmly and loudly---calling for their little sister.

"Eyerunie! Eyerunie? where are you!?!"

12.24.2023

You Named Your Child.. Wha?! challenge @AJAY9979

Kaylynn-Maye-Ohliveeia-Roase swiped her card in the scanner next to the door, and waited for it to open. As she entered the 24-hour gym, there was a loud click somewhere in the dark recesses of the building and the lights abruptly came on. The doors slid closed behind her, and she looked around. She was alone in the gym in the small hours of the morning. To her right, rows of machines stared back at her with their blinking lights, and to her left were weight benches, gymnast's bars, trampolines, boxing bags, and various other paraphernalia, laid out neatly in their designated areas, still and lifeless. On the far wall, ahead of her, a large sign informed her that there were changing rooms, showers, and toilets on the other side of the wall. Women's on the left, men's on the right. She hefted up her bag, and headed in that direction.

She liked it in the gym at this hour. It was so quiet, and a bit lonely. As she entered the locker room lobby, Kaylynn-Maye-Ohliveeia-Roase glanced over at the ranks of lockers on the left-hand wall. Third from the left, on the top row, was hers. Beside it, on the right, was an empty locker. It had been empty for over three months now. She turned away, and began to change on the one of the benches in the middle of the room. The locker had once belonged to her best friend, Jennyphyr-Aleckzandrah-Tyffaknee-Aanne. They had used to gym together every evening after work, enjoying the company and shared motivation. Since Jennyphyr-Aleckzandrah-Tyffaknee-Aanne had moved to another city three months ago, Kaylynn-Maye-Ohliveeia-Roase preferred to come at night, when she could be by herself, and not have to talk to strangers. For some reason, gym administration had not reassigned the locker, and so it had remained empty, a silent reminder of her absent friend.

As she tuned back to put her things in the locker, Kaylynn-Maye-Ohliveeia-Roase noticed that something was different today. The name plate on the empty locker was no longer blank. It had a name. But it was a strange name. Only five letters. She looked at it again. Grace. What kind of a name was that? It was much too short. It might be a quarter of a name if you were lucky. Perhaps this person was an example of the recent trend of parents unnecessarily shortening their children's names to make them sound cool and unique? To Kaylynn-Maye-Ohliveeia-Roase it sounded silly. The poor girl must surely have been bullied for it all the way through school. And what did it say about her parents, to burden her with a name like that, just to feed their ego? Such a tragedy. The only other person she knew whose name came even a little close was Margharette-Yvonne, and even she had trouble filling in forms with a name that short. Everyone asked her lots of extra questions, a name that short wasn't the done thing and so it always aroused suspicion.

As Kaylynn-Maye-Ohliveeia-Roase headed back out into the gym, she pondered this strange name. Perhaps, in ten or twenty years time, what was now a silly fad would become the norm. But in the meantime, she decided, someone had to be cursed with being the forerunner of change. She was just grateful it wasn't her.