I thought I willed myself enough to tell you this, but I didn’t. I did send you the messages but deleted them. I say that it’s because I have said enough through our friendship, but deep down, I know it’s more than that. I am scared. Scared that I would have just opened my heart to you without you grasping the weight. Without you changing, like I begged you to before. Unfortunately, I've always been dramatic. Like I'm always writing my last letter to someone when I tell them my emotions. If these words did reach you that day, I would be scared that you wouldn’t read it all, or you would feel like you didn’t do anything wrong. But that’s not true. We both did something wrong. And I want to address it because I have never been the type to leave without a goodbye. Even if it never reached you, _ _ _ _ _. I found myself in a constant state of yearning. And it's utterly selfish. Because I knew you didn't reciprocate. And I'm over here, wanting more when you didn’t even know. It's like _ _ _ _ _ all over again. And my biggest fear was that we would end like how you both did. In a sense we did, but I was the one who left. I remember when you two were still talking, I sat through it all giving my advice that you agreed with, while I was just like him… In a way. I felt disgustingly greedy. So I am putting an end to it by saying what's on my mind. I am utterly drawn to you. Who you are. I wanted to know more. And I know we've talked about this, how it takes a while to feel something even remotely close to 'love'. I wouldn't say that’s how I feel for you yet, or if you would have ever allowed me too, (I decided I wouldn’t allow myself), but I want you in ways I didn't even know I wanted someone. Not like romantically per se, but in a sense I want to share a connection with you where I just have you confidently. I want to know every little detail with you... It's hard to put into words. When I was on call and we're just talking, it felt so natural. It was so alluring. It just felt so right. The way you’d express yourself so eloquently, so clearly, while I took 20 minutes just to reiterate and get my point across, or the way we’d literally just talk to each other so easy and have the same things in mind, or the way you laughed, because, God it was so lovely, the way we’d joke with each other because it genuinely made me feel warm, or the way we’d share our thoughts without judgement, the spotify jams, the hours we would spend talking without realizing, the way we understood each other, the way you stuck in my mind so pleasantly, the way I knew in my heart that I wanted you, how you became the type of person I try to look for in strangers… I could keep going. But why try to revive what died? Our relationship, I mean. But even now, I still harbor the same feelings. They’re just hurting. But I can’t keep going, because this one-sided attraction isn’t right. It's greedy and selfish. I was greedy and selfish. I am greedy and selfish. For you. But I found myself wanting more. And that's the thing, because it destroyed me. I compared every one of our interactions with how you interacted with others, just praying that something will be different. That something would stick out, implying that you may even possibly feel the same. But my heart hurts when I see that it's just me. And now you were dry with me and wouldn’t even tell me what's going on. It hurt.

You reminded me of warmth.

You remind me of warmth.

But I was too scared to ask for it to stop while it was burning me.

My feelings were bad not only because it was one-sided, but also because it was 'too early' according to your standards. And I could sit on call with you as you explained your thoughts on talking stages or romance, how long it takes, and say I agree with you, but deep down, I knew I was just a hypocrite. And you know what, maybe I did agree with you at first. Not wanting to disrespect people's souls and everything. But if anything, my feelings for you taught me a new perspective. Intimacy doesn't have a schedule. It doesn't have a time limit, or rather a time expectation. It can come and go as easily as the wind. But this wasn’t just the wind for me. It was like the sun, like the warmth I get from it. And I am so cold. And It just felt wrong. Feeling that way when you didn’t. But now that I had time to come to reality, end the delusion, and assess your previous actions with me and others, I realize it wasn’t just me. I feel like you're scared of getting too close to people. Once they show signs of wanting you, you leave. But then when they call you out, you give them all these pretty words with promises that are never followed through. In my mind I feel like you still care for them, but something inside of you is telling you to not get too close. It's not my place, but you were hurt when intimate with someone. And I couldn't see how you wouldn't suffer long-term effects from it. But this is something you should tend to. Because people aren't evil. I knew I wasn’t. I know I am not. That isn’t me trying to convince you, I just want you to see that I am not. But, _ _ _ _ _, it's like it was a never-ending cycle with you. Even with your actions with others. With _ _ _ _ _, he communicated more than once his emotions, and strangely, despite you not liking your friendship, you told him you would be better. People confronted you and you’d just tell them half truth and half what they wanted to hear. And my biggest fear was that you would do that to me. (you did). Because we had talks where I would explain my fear of you being dry, and you would reply with such beautiful words that made me think it would all be okay again. Then you would draw back. It was horrible. It made me feel horrible. Like I was betting on someone who would just leave again, while knowing they would. Because something inside of me was counting on you to change with no proof that you ever would. And I knew, I knew all too well that we hadn't even known each other for two months, but we talked a lot. I told you a lot. Even if you didn’t tell me a lot. So I can't keep using your ideals, the ones where connection takes time, to unjustify my feelings. Because they were very real. And very painful. I crave something I couldn’t have and felt disgusting for even wanting it.

But that was the thing, it was normal. Things happened, and it's not that I didn’t want to get to know you more, it's just that I was already so... well, I don't know the right word, so I will just say this lightly: In love / captivated by what you've shown me, I wanted to know more. And it wouldn't have changed anything. All In all, I desired you. And you fluctuated without a word or proper communication, and with me having been too scared to overstep because it would reveal too much... I can't do it anymore. I couldn’t do it anymore.

Intimacy shouldn't be timed. I felt like you were just scared to be hurt. And that is not because I wanted you, so don't think that. Don't you dare think that. So this brings me to the end of my embarrassing feelings. I needed honesty. I don't know what on, but I was hoping that if you had read the message in time, you wouldn't tell me what you thought I wanted to hear, or what you thought you felt, or should have felt. I just wanted you to tell me the truth. Because I didn't know if I could just be 'friends' with you. I can't be your friend and want you in a way, a way that I don't even know what to label- a way that friends don’t want each other in.

Before I deleted the message, I was hoping you would just block me. It would have made me feel less shitty. But I think now, I would have felt shitty any way it went. Excluding the impossible chance of you feeling the same way. But… let me pretend for a second that you did feel the same and perhaps something started between us. I think… you wouldn’t have changed. You would still put me through this and I would be too scared to tell you. We would both mess up.

Maybe, _ _ _ _ _, we could have lasted in another time period. But life just had to introduce you to me now. And that's what I regret most. Something I cannot fix.

My darling,

your blood is divine.

I fear a monster like me will only taint your purity.

And yet,

When my deformity meets flesh,

you let me take your all.

I may not be worthy,

but I am greedy, for you.

For your love, for your soul;

I want it all.

My dear child,

I see you falter under the yoke of sin in this world.

Heed my words,

For their influences saturated with malice do not defy your purity.

Your holy reprise is nigh,

May your wings of flesh and bone eschew the depraved grasps of the impure,

Your human nature was sanctified by the divine,

Forever your soul will be a vessel of the ideal.

Your pain is valid,

The attribution of your nature is expected as your existence

was made purely for the double-edged scythe of sacrifice

Despite you being a lamb amongst wolves,

You find hallowed resurgence within their blood

For your limbs once dangled on their cross,

But now you nail them to the cross of the lord

Please,

My darling lamb.

Do not continue on this vengeful path, do not lose yourself upon the indulgence of revenge.

Retribution is finite,

an ephemeral elixir to the wounds of your heart,

Your existence has now been consumed by the eclipsal shadow of vindictiveness,

What separates you from them?

Your sorrow is evanescent in the palace of elysium

So why do you feed from their rotted flesh

My heart burns with lamentful rue as I watch the blood drip from your mouth,

Bitten from the fruit given by ire’s embrace,

The pure love i've endowed to you now twisted into a cannibalistic replicate

Your altruism turned dark,

Your resolve turned poisonous

I will not abandon you,

But you have abandoned me.

My child,

I love you like a mother,

Like a father,

Like a God.

You were viscously torn from the womb, ripped from the soft and subtle flesh of your loving mother.

The claws that resurrected you from the sac in her abdomen was the one of your own creation.

How did you, such a miniscule creature, and infant born of this world, manage to make such a heartless dark being of pure greed?

For it is not that you were a fetus of flesh, but you are a fetus of sin.

You are a traitor among the pure.

An anomaly in heaven.

Leave, now.

For your existence is forbidden.

I am unlike you all.

Your pulsating skin,

Soft and warm beneath my greedy touch.

I feel your heart beat,

A triumph of your power over me,

As you were born from flesh,

I was born from suffering.

With great suffering comes no shame,

And with endless sorrow comes no understanding.

Like a sharp double sided knife,

The melancholy slices through life,

Rotting away at the seems of your memories,

Does the burn of the blade leave scars?

You pray it won't,

As it would taint your human beauty.

But God does not answer to such selfish desires,

Would he answer to mine?

I don't dare to pray in the name of someone so great,

'Undeserving' is kind,

A dirty scum like me shouldn't dance in the holy light.

A life unlike yours,

I'm at a loss of what I am,

But I know that I am not human.

the rain makes of a heavy storm outside,

it invites your presence,

and I greedily search for your warmth.

it's like my way of life,

to find home in the arms of anyone by mine.

how deep it hurts,

the haze in your eyes.

you look far in the distance,

to meet contact with a pair that aren't mine.

was the rain always this loud?

I need it to drown out the sound.

Your laughter combined with hers,

it makes my head heart.

Was the rain outside?

or was it never real?

made to help my pain subside,

and mask the high-pitched shattering of my shriveled up heart.

punctured with nothing but the rusted blade of your actions

my heart sheds a crimson blood.

so lovely, so right,

why did I mistake its beautiful vibrancy with the one of love and light?

each day painfully dreads,

my heart is filled with cruel, wet unrest.

we came to an end at my own hands

but yet blood only leaks out my chest.

did it hurt you too?

despite the knife never hunting you.

did it hurt you too?

while you watch it plunge me deeper and deeper.

I'd eat me,

just to make room for you.

I'd carve out a space,

perhaps your name,

and watch my blood drain.

All in the name of you,

though you hadn't the faintest clue,

of what my love could do to me,

but never you.

I weep over my dreams,

me and you,

a rift in the nighttime blue.

your influence painted my life,

adorned with sorrowful hues,

using soft or hard strokes.

not one or two alike,

but strangely they all hit just right.

Colors similar to the tears shed,

your presence filled my heart with dread,

I found myself craving what we could have been.

Drawn to you,

hopelessly.

Despite the pain given by you,

My heart

My human heart

wants nothing but you.

It hurts so much

every waking moment of the day,

every thought that courses through my brain.

Unable to reason with my own desires,

I fall into the fire.

If one day,

I can call you mine,

would it be worth all that time?