Twinkle twinkle
For most of my lifeFor most of my life
I thought the phrase "twinkle in one's eye"
Was a crock of shit
A storybook trope
That dupes the rubes holding the novel
Into falling in love alongside the protagonist
I was wrong
There it is
Right in front of me. For just half a second
A spark. A blaze. A hidden cataclysm
You smiled at me
And with it your eyes told me something
That there's more to it
There's more to this
A new leaf
My first taste was intrigue. Her short hair left me breathless and hanging on each sentence. The next taste was admiration. Her wit crisp and much sharper than my own. She is my superior.
I rode a wave of vulnerability and exploration that left me on Olympus Mons. Unfortunately, the Mars winds came. Trampled by my own hubris. Years of searching, seeking, and discovering led me to a guess. She was a whisper on the wind.
A guess is fuck all of a metaphor. I was Spirit. Literally crawling, tracking, and screaming at my inner machinations to address the shortcomings of which I laid bare. I squealed my relevance into the atmosphere upon deaf ears.
Time.
It took time before her voice carried across the winds again.
A decade passed. Hubris adequately destroyed by administrative sequestration. A cacophony of white noise filled the void until the winds returned. Her voice carried like the quetzal before Spanish conquest.
A voice of hope. Intrigue. Admiration and vulnerability.
I can’t help but feel as if the voice is leading me to happiness.
Residence
My life echoes that of my shitty apartment. An aging exterior that has seen a few makeovers. Despite a new paintjob, hints of aging joints and rusty supports lie just beyond the surface.
If I permit one past the front door, a humble abode offers its greeting. Scents of lavender, coconut, and berries chase away the stench of mold permeating through the ancient air-conditioning system.
Another step further leads one into an interrogation room of harsh, unnatural light. Bicycles and exercise equipment laid out as a facade to show others that I attempt to care.
Through the hallway one finds a cramped and dank room tucked away from sight. Clothes are strewn about with camping gear and books that haven't been touched in months.
This is the real me. I'm hiding beyond the corner where no one can see. Disorganized chaos hidden from everyone. A depressing collection of artifacts from a past life.
Everyone loves the warm greetings this apartment can offer, but no one wants to remain here with the real me.
Untitled 12/23
The hums of Christmas duets
Ring across the shop
My gaze shifts across outside across the intersection.
Businessman, laborer, immigrant, student and junky
Bundled up in hopes to beat the day's icy weather
Vehicle exhaust momentarily clouds the avenue
So much movement with purpose
An unending hustle and bustle
Not me, I've nowhere to be for a while
Message in a bottle
I'm huddled in that dark corner again
Arms clinging to my knees
"I don't want this"
I whisper aloud to no one
I know it's coming
It happens time after time
No matter how good life is
No matter how hard I try
You physically abuse me
Leave me sprawled about
Weak to the point of sickness
My head screaming with pain
You manipulate me
Generate fear of life without you
Tell me how good I have it
Spread lies of the fun we have together
In reality
You've fucked my emotions up
I don't know how I'm supposed
To feel when I don't have you
I don't want you in my life
I don't want anything to do with you
Yet your presence looms over me
And beckons again
Tears stain my cheekbones
As I drop my head in my hands
Then I grab you by the neck
And drink away the pain
Experience
Unique is fulfilling your values only to realize they're bullshit.
Unique is becoming what you love while failing miserably at it.
Unique is doing that you hate while openly choosing that particular path.
Unique is losing a friendship to someone you've loved for ages.
Unique is losing someone you love, despite hating them the entire time.
Unique is finding love in dregs of Earth's depositories.
Unique is hating your favorite habits, but loving them too much to give them up.
Unique is hell is on earth, despite the pleasures they bring.
Unique is heaven on earth, despite the hell it causes.
Unique is how you react.
Unique is life.
Unique is all of us.