Is love actually real? Is being happy actually real? I hate that I had to lose you and I hate that I’m not over you. I loved you so much and I know we’re young but I never wanted to let you go. I don’t believe I can be happy again I don’t believe that I can’t love again. The only thing I want in this world is you. If I could go to sleep and wake up and this all be a dream I would be so happy. If I could go to sleep and wake up to a text saying that you still love me I would cry of happiness. The most happiness moments of my life were with you. I keep thinking of our memories and wanting those days back. It’s been two months since you’ve broken up with me and I can’t let you go. I can’t let go because everything I want in life is you. I wish this could all be different I wish I had you. I don’t want live without you. But I can’t change your feelings. I can’t get you to love me if you don’t want to. I can just hope you still love me. Maybe you're in pain too. Maybe you think I’m better without you, but I’m not. I want you and I always will want you. No one is the same as you no one will treat me as great as you did. I just want you back. I want to believe in love again. I want to be happy with you. I can’t bring myself to actually be happy. I put this fake face on that I’m happy but I’m not. I never am I haven’t been happy for 2 months straight and it sucks because it’s over a guy who broke my heart. It’s over a guy who reopened the scars in my heart and left more. Over a guy who ripped my heart in pieces took half of those pieces taped all of the other ones together hoping it would stay, but it’s it’s falling apart piece by piece because tape can’t hold a heart together. Most important it’s over the guy that was the most important thing in my life, and I can’t get him back.

Before you I was hurt

I had no one

I didn’t believe in love

But then I was with you

I was happy again

I believed in love

I was not longer broken

I wasn’t scared of love

I was scared of losing you

Well then a week ago I lost you

Now you left me exactly how I was but

Worse...

I don’t want anything more than you

But I can’t have that

Now I’m stuck

Stuck wondering if there’s such thing as love

Is there such thing as being happy

Is there such thing as smiling

Not in my head there’s not

I’m stuck in this one spot

Where I think no one loves me

Remember when we held hands for the first time?

I do.

Remember our first hug?

I do.

Remember our first I love you?

I do.

Remember our first dance?

I do.

Remember when you gave me that bracelet?

I do I wore it every day.

Remember our pictures?

I do I deleted them.

Remember our laughs?

I cry over them now.

Remember my smile?

It’s not the same anymore.

Remember my laugh?

It’s fake now.

Remember my notes to you?

I don’t write those anymore.

Remember the daily I love you’s

They’re gone now.

Remember when you loved me?

I loved you too still do.

But those are all memories now.

And so are you.

I loved you

I still do

But you don’t

You hurt me

You don’t talk to me

You just look at me

It’s awkward

It’s lonely

I’m broken

You’re somehow

Ok…

How?

We were everything

You were perfect

I loved you

I needed you

I didn’t even know

That was our last hug

That was our last time holding hands

That was our last I love you

Or I would have made them count

But it’s too late now

And you’re gone

And it’s over

But…

I love you

I’m sorry

But I do…

He didn’t know how much I loved him

He didn’t know how much he made me smile

He didn’t know I would hurt this much

He didn’t know I would be a mess

He didn’t know I would miss him

But he knows it would be the last

He knew it was the last hug

He knew it was the last time holding my hand

And he knew it was the last I love you

He knew it was ending

But I didn’t

I didn’t know that was our last hug

Or I would have hugged him longer

I didn’t know that was the last time holding his hand

Or I would have held it tighter

I didn’t know that would be my last I love you

Or I would have made it count

I loved him

I still do

But I have the accept the fact that he doesn’t anymore

It’s over now

And he doesn’t know how much it hurts

He doesn’t know

Oh, he doesn’t know

My love for you is so deep

I don't kno what I would do if you left

I'm scared to lose you

Scared to lose the love of my life

I know we are young

I know people hate

Some might say we don'y know what love is

But I know that love means being happy

And every time I'm with you

I'm happy...

Because you're the one person in my life

that makes me smile most

I love you baby.

I see the fear in her eyes that she doesn’t want to lose him. The fear that she could lose that one person that understands her most. That the one guy in the world that would ever love her, will fall out of love. She’s so deeply in love with him that she doesn’t want anyone else in this world. She can’t imagine what life would be like without him, because a life without him is like a life without air.

She doesn’t show she's afraid because she doesn’t want people to worry about her. She doesn’t want people to constantly ask if she's ok even though they do anyway. She doesn’t want him to worry about her.

She has a fear of losing him because he's the one that actually gets what anxiety is even though he doesn’t have it he knows she is always thinking bad of herself. He doesn't want her to think she's not worth it when she is.

She thinks every day she’s gonna lose him and if she loses him she won’t get out of bed. Because he's the main reason she even wants to get up every day. Even if she’s sick or not feeling good she will get up and go to school just to see him. Because she loves him too much to not see him.

As I carve the beginning letters of our names

I wonder if carving in this tree hurt it

Does it hurt this tree

Does it make it feel loved

Does this tree like the carvings

The carvings everyone puts on its bark

Does every time sap come out

Is it like it’s losing blood like humans do

As the sap runs down the trees bark

I feel I am hurt it

It may be just a tree

But it’s alive like me so it hurts too

All 14 years of my life I have tried my best to be me. I’ve tried my best not to care what people think, and to not believe what they say because if I do I’ll change myself. I’ve been hurt by friends and people and some I didn’t even know. Some did it to just not care about others.

These things and these people and what they say have caused me to have anxiety. The constant thought that I’m not good enough for anyone. That I can’t be loved by someone. I didn’t know I had it till it got worse. It’s hard to control but I have to learn to deal with it and be me.

There’s this one person that never gives up on me that helps me with all my anxiety. He’s my boyfriend he’s the one that loves me when I forget to love myself. The one that helps me feel better about myself. He’s the one that will give me a kiss on my hand and tell me it’s all okay and I don’t need to listen to the people Because If I listen to them or it will make anxiety worse and I’ll believe them.

Sometimes people will make fun of anxiety cause they don’t know what it’s like to have It. they think the best way to deal with it is to laugh. You have to explain to people sometimes they still won’t get it. But you have to stay strong you have to be the best you can. Always remember no matter what they say you are your beautiful self inside and out, and remember when it gets hard just think of your happy place.

and then

she knew

that she could

become homesick

for people too.

-unknown