I point my finger

You point yours back

I try to make sense of it

Giving you time to attack

What is that we are doing?

So much time has gone by

The storm within is always brewing

Will our pride ever die?

Almost a decade and I still don't know

What lies beneath the anger

Where does the compassion go?

These hearts are always in danger

You criticize then pretend and decieve

You act like you've pulled one on me

But I have already began to see

For this pain, love is the reprieve

I can't stand by idly anymore

Pretending to not notice your distaste

I know you don't want to be here

I just wish it weren't the case

I never stopped loving you

And I doubt I ever will

No matter what we went through

It was all more better still

We are two different souls

Pulling the other to the wrong path

I have given it my all

And you have given it back

In my mid-twenties I was very active in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous with going on 3 years clean and working as an admissions coordinator at a local drug and alcohol treatment center - I was blessed with more than the average newcomer’s 90 and 90 on a monthly basis. I discovered soon after I got clean that addicts like to replace their drugs with hugs. Well, not hugs necessarily but that’s how it begins.

I had already divorced my husband into the rooms and had 2 relationships with co-workers who were also recovering addicts (granted they weren’t co-workers at the time of mutual exhibitions, okay, okay, maybe one leaked through). Sex and relationships were just how we perceived love at the time and it’s hard to convince any addict to let go of their beliefs on a dime.

It is recommended that the newcomer stay out of a relationship and/or bed (counter, public restroom, etc.) for the first year of their sobriety, that they like to call clean (cleanliness?). I was however in a relationship when I came to the rooms and decided this meant I could forfeit all sex and relationship advice even after I became single. Since sponsors (they work the NA program steps and have more clean time than the sponsee) only recommend and give advice, it is up to them whether they will work with your free will and free spirit and I was lucky to have one that accepted me with open arms. She would always say, “a day clean is a day one.” I would say, “even though I slept with 3 different men this week, a day clean is a day one.” Which is what made this date I am about to tell you about so interesting.

It is because of this sponsor and my best friend in NA that I decided to go out on a date with this fellow that said he had seven years clean and had recently moved to WV from another state due to work. Don’t get me wrong, this man was a good looking man but from the moment he stepped into the first NA meeting in my town, yes I remember that moment and his leather jacket, I knew that lies come packaged in pretty wrapping and bows. He had these most amazing gray-blue eyes that shone like icicles, I kid you not. He was 15 years my senior but didn’t look but maybe 5 years older than I, had a chiseled physique, in the best shape of a man I had yet to see.

He had been in town and in the rooms for about 5 months at this point and had went through his own fair share of soulmates in this time but hadn’t we all. All the women were at his feet and wanted to be next. In these 5 months I had probably directly had one conversation with this man because he just gave me the creeps. I, however, went through a traumatic loss, losing my little brother to a man high on morphine and Xanax in a car accident, and had to recollect myself and lost my intuition in there somehow. After I had shared and broke down in tears in one meeting, he apparently went to my sponsor and asked her and my friend’s permission to ask me on a date. Since they wanted to sleep with him and could not due to being monogamous, they offered me up like candy. Before I knew it, I was preparing for a date with this supernatural-eyed man and had forgotten how much he scared me. (Losing your brother must have that effect on some people.)

We were supposed to meet at an NA meeting and go to dinner and a movie once it wrapped up. The meeting didn’t happen because an hour before, my date calls and asks me to pick him up at a mutual friend’s house because his truck was acting up. I drove and picked him up and we had some awkward silence on the ride over. He did ask me if I was surprised that he asked me on a date and I got the impression that he was very into himself.

After the meeting, my sponsor and bff were giggling and telling us both that we weren’t allowed to have sex on our first date and I said that they didn’t have anything to worry about. Once we were alone it turned out that my date hadn’t prepared for this evening at all and wanted to Redbox a couple movies though he didn’t have a debit card. I ended up renting the movies and buying the $5 Little Caesar’s special for dinner in my own apartment living room, which I was startled to hear upon pulling into my driveway, from my date, “I knew you lived here.”

I asked him how he knew this, and he said he was good at technology and it was easy to look something like that up. I decided to let this slide and try to get on with the movie so I could take him home. I find out after the movie that there is no real home for him to go to, he is apparently staying at his boss’s home while he is away but would really enjoy staying the night with me. Even though I didn’t know this man from Adam, and was starting to think that the 7 years of clean time was also a mirage, like the one where he wasn’t homeless, since I had found out that the truck was also his boss’s, it was late and I didn’t want to drive to the town where his boss lived so I agreed.

Like I said, this man was a picture of beauty. He didn’t seem to have a whole lot of truth or honesty within, but on the outside, he was a legit model. Legit models don’t commit homicide, I mean Ted Bundy was horrific looking. Though I am a free spirit and have nothing against it, even his beauty did not get my pants off. He slept next to me in my bed, we did make out for about 20 minutes before turning in, but both our clothes stayed on and dignity as intact as it could be.

As I slept next to this man, that even I was proud of not having sexual relations with, I had this lucid dream. It was almost surreal. In this dream, my sleeping date was stalking me with a rifle. I was terrified and running away. This woke me up quite early so I could hit the road and drop him off to the truck. When I got to our mutual friend’s he grabbed my hand and would not let go. He made me walk him to his truck, and he was going to catch a flight that day to CA or somewhere, for “work”, that we can’t be sure really existed, and wanted me to kiss him goodbye and promise to answer his calls.

That night I get multiple texts from him stating “you will have sex with me when I get back in town.” That’s about all it takes to turn me off, if the dream and lame experience hadn’t done it already, I blocked his number. He did call my sponsor and whine and there was a few awkward NA meetings in the next couple years, but I lived through them and without a stalker.

You,

you could take my breathe away

And you still do,

with all your bullshit,

And ignorance,

Useless stupidity

I get it, I really do

It must be so very hard,

Hating you,

I’ve done some bad things,

And sometimes I still do,

But neither of us

Deserve this version of you

Your ego, it is,

So, so big

It seems to be all you really have

This moment, the now, the happy

Is just to hard for you to grasp

It was not always this way

Or maybe there were just a few joys

All these years have clouded things

And all you hear now is your own voice

You scream and shout

While I sit and think

What it really is about

Is you need a fucking shrink

You claim I don’t listen

When I have few words I say

I say look at yourself,

I am not treating you this way

I know it bubbles down to

That I am not the one you hate

You hate yourself so much

It is an impossible state

But instead of "you" it's "my" (because I got it all wrong in my head)

My love is suicidal,

my love is suicidal,

my love is suicidal...

repeat for an hour

I do not know any other lyrics to it so it's on repeat because my 11 year old keeps singing Suiciiiidaaaal.

Trembling, looking at myself,

This mirror must be broken

I am just fine

All I ever need is another line

I know that I hurt her

And I destroyed him

then I married a guy after 21 days

The first couple years is all a haze

But when I saw your little face

How could there have been any grace?

I wasn’t good enough to be mom

I felt better off if you were alone

The months that went by,

the pills that stopped getting me high,

All I could do was wonder why

I hated myself so much that

I needed to die

I will never forget that night

A 40 ounce at my side

A bottle of anti-depressants

A death that just wasn’t

I stared at the sky,

I begged for a reprieve

On the lawn of a church

I began to percieve

Crawling because I couldn’t walk

Drooling because I couldn’t talk

If it weren’t for 911

I think I’d have already passed on

How could I have done this

His father cried

What would your children have done

If you had died...

But something inevitably did die

That hate that I had since birth

The disgust towards my own life,

My own limiting self worth

And now it is alright

*In my perception and reality*

A monster is someone or something that has no regard for life. A monster is not necessarily ugly or deformed or even imaginary, nor does it have to be seperate from one's self.

If there were a member of my species that I would deem a "monster", it would be someone who is psychopathic by nature (or nuture?) and has no concern for the well being of those around them, the population in general, someone who just seeks to destroy.

If I was going to look in myself and my own character defects I can say I have been a monster in my life towards others, Earth, and myself. If I were to name something that isn't necessarily "alive" but destroys all that we know and love - I would call the government a monster, Monsanto a monster, stress and fear a monster. Lies are monsters that destroy even the person who tells them, and those that the deciet touches. Drugs are monsters. The pharmeceutical companies are monsters. Religion is a monster. Anything that does not empower others, but seeks to control them through any means necessary - is a monster.

The biggest monster I face today is fear. Fear has done some terrible things to me and my body, my family and my community, therefore changing the world just a little more fearful a doubt at a time. Fear keeps people stuck, frozen. Fear seeks to destroy not only those who feel it but those around them. Fear is how the entire media circuit works today, and it's so obvious that this "system" wants to seek and cripple us from doing what we came here to do.

A monster has taken ahold of humanity causing them to waste their lives at meaningless jobs and professions where they are miserable and die a little more each day. A monster is something that needs slayed instead of accepted. A monster is constantly whispering in our heads telling us to do things for our ego instead of the betterment of mankind.

More simply put - you can find a monster everywhere these days - disguised as something that is supposedly good and healthy and meant for order or you can turn on your tv and see how much it loves monsters and how much it wants us to focus on the bad and ugly instead the good and beautiful - but monsters can be oh-so beautiful too.

Magic is. It is in our blood, our bodies, our psyche. All one has to do is believe or not believe, it does not matter - it will always be. It has been with us since the beginning - it was simultaniously created when we were, when the Universe began. On this planet, it oozes from every single being, thing, the present moment. Be aware. Be love.

I never thought that you were ugly

I thought that the bad just shined through

I thought you were mostly good

But then I really saw you

I need someone that tries to be good

I need someone who does more

Than pretend to be understood

I want to know what you are fighting for

I never thought this would last so long

Seven years of a pretend show

How could I have been so wrong

How do I make you go?

I would rather be all alone

Have an entire new debate

You may think I am not as strong

But love is stronger than hate

I never thought I'd want to leave

I never thought you'd make it hard to breathe

I am done with all your ego

It is time for you to know

I never thought you were full of hate

I really thought that you would change

This must truly be fate

It's time for you to go

We locked eyes

Before I even knew your name

Or you mine

We both already knew

We were intertwined

It was wrong, so wrong

Cliche that it felt right

From that moment on

Not tasting you would be a fight

The fire will always rage

No matter the time or age

Luckily, we both got fired

We wouldn’t have met eachother

If we hadn’t have been hired

We will always have the hotel

And you will swear never to tell

The chemistry was magic and more

But you have methamphetemine

And my man would think

I was a whore