i never thought

that you would

turn me into

such a mess.

a blubbering heap

of sorrow

and depression,

radiating

desperate cries

of 'pity me!'

hoping for

a lifeline,

begging to

be noticed.

i never thought

you would

make me

such a mess.

but you did.

i never thought

that you would

make me into

your puppet,

twisting me around

your little finger,

tighter and tighter

until i could not

breathe for

lack of air.

purple in the face,

i blacked out,

left under your control.

i never thought

you would make me

your puppet.

but you did.

i never thought

that you would

say those things

to me,

the hurtful things

that made me

want to stop

being altogether,

to fall into

the monotony

of the system,

forever forgotten.

i never thought

you would hurt me

so deep down inside.

but you did.

i never thought

that you would

leave me,

hoping that

i fell down

so far,

no one would

ever find

my broken body.

hoping that

i would be

left where i fell,

never for you

to deal with again.

i never thought

you would leave me.

but you did.

i never thought

that you would

hate me,

even an ounce.

after all,

even through

all you did

to me,

i still loved you.

you were still

my best friend,

my shoulder

to cry upon,

my rock

during hard times.

although,

those hard times?

they were your fault.

still, i never thought

you could hate me.

but you did.

I never thought

he’d take his life—

not that way—

with a gun.

Held to his head,

then, “Bam!”

he’s dead,

splattered with fresh blood.

Who knew that

so few written words

could yield

such brutal power?

Or that he’d squeeze

that trigger back

while holding

yellow flowers?

I never thought about the future

Just far enough ahead

Thinking what the world could be always filled myself with dread.

I never thought about my career

Just a job that paid the bills

Enough to cover room and board, and maybe a few travels and thrills

I never thought about a family

Just enjoyed the one I had

Knowing we all die one day and accepting that I'd be sad

I never thought about a home

Just where I laid my head

Four walls, a sink, a bathroom, and what was once a big enough bed

I never thought about love

Just read it in my books

Thought it seemed silly and illogical, holding hands or exchanging looks

I never thought about life

Just lived the day-to-day

Until the one came where you met me - and now all my thoughts are swept away

I never thought.

Ever.

About anything.

Just accepted.

“Life goes on.”

“Things happen.”

“This is how it is.”

Mindsets

Not thoughts.

Deflecting every ounce of praise.

“Oh, I’m just doing what I do, y’know.”

Soaking up every ounce of criticism.

“I’m not good enough.”

“I will never be good enough.”

I never thought

So I died

Inside.

I never thought… I’d live my favorite anime.

My brother was younger and taller but

He had the temper.

At 16, he lost his body.

He got too big.

Losing him, broke me.

I numbed the pain with food and sleep.

I lived in the imagination of success...

For a long time.

I ended up losing an arm and a leg.

Now, my full mettle is being tested.

Can I lose my weight...

and...

the weight of my brother.

I never thought

the idea of

death

would feel so

comforting

I never imagined

succumbing

to the siren sound

but

now that i can

a l m o s t

touch

it with my fingertips

death doesn't seem

so daunting

now

I never thought I would live my life this way. A multifaceted diamond who shines brighter than anything, yet cold and (almost) unbreakable. Different angle, different facets shine. Different people, different masks.

You can’t outshine me, I instinctively reflect your light back, ten times brighter. I am unique; I am above everyone else, but it’s lonely up here. This isn’t my choice to make, it is the law of nature.

You can’t break me, people sacrifice themselves to protect me. And it’s my fault they do so. I am not indestructible, but the guilt chips me away into nothing.

I am made to be this way, seemingly indestructible and precious; everything I am not.

I never thought I’d feel as I do at this very moment. Even if I wanted to, time couldn’t escape destiny and life isn’t playing anybody on a whim. Reasons are born under the sun and the moon that we are breathing into. There’s a cloud for every doubt and a pause for reconsideration of life's meaning. Crossroads aren’t a puzzle we have to figure out.

Not long ago I, too, was at a crossroad, bearing in mind the sentiments had come and using my eyes to see. Four directions were available and there were two separate roads. It seems that the choice was mine and mine alone to make. Left vs. right, south vs. north, and east vs. west were options without signs and yet the writing was on the wall. It was all like graffiti in a dream to me and the artist of the graffiti was a genius. The message was quite simple and I began reading the words out loud.

“Boomerangs never travel backwards.” I repeated to the wind.

I noticed that these four words were splashed into the graffiti painting of an angel with wings: boomerangs never travel backwards, boomerangs never travel backwards, and boomerangs never travel backwards.

“What the heck?” I echoed from within, realizing that my own voice was bouncing off of the walls, back-and-forth like a ping pong ball and that this dream of mine was spinning out of a void. Go figure, I smiled.

Maybe it wasn’t all that complicated and I wasn’t even in a maze to begin with. Something that I’d thrown out eons ago was returning tenfold and I realized that it was all just a basic idea. The thought had always been that I was going to be ok. The dream had been a real eye opener that I’d forgotten about.

So, there I was holding the boomerang in my hand and walking toward the river of an engaging conversation. The most beautiful language I’ve ever heard was rippling through ever tiny waves of nature’s speaking.

It wasn’t even that I was telling time on that day; time was telling me everything I needed to know. No matter which direction way I decided to go, I’d find my way to the giant. What more did I have to know when I’d left the void forever now? The answers I’d been searching for was in my hands and the man I’d fallen in love with was holding it.