I tried to give my heart away so many times

But it’s like no one can see it resting in the palm of my hand.

But if I put it back in my pocket and forget that it’s there.

I won’t find it again until I air my dirty laundry.

For when I hide my heart my hands get dirty

And I wipe my dirty hands on my shirts, my pants and stain my garments nonchalantly.

I dismiss the purity around me and seek out the harshest realizations in an effort to make excuses out of lies to justify their existence and turn them into truths.

I want to give my love to someone. I’m tired of keeping it for myself.

If I can’t give it away. Then maybe I’ll attach a dollar amount to it and post it on eBay.

“That movie was amazing” I said as I unlocked the front door of my apartment. “Oh my god, yes it was” she said with somewhat of a giggle. I closed the door and secured it with both the deadbolt and chain. I turned around and there she was hands folded in front of her. Her head slightly tilted to the left. I could see that she wanted me to take her. I took my left hand gripping her hair from behind her head pulling her face into mine. I kissed her lips. I turned her head and kissed her neck and bit it gently with my teeth. She bites her bottom lip as I whisper in her ear “I need it now”. I press my member against her pelvis (she feels its firmness, she can feel it throbbing?) Her temperature spikes, I pull her in tighter applying more pressure as I run my tongue up her neck to her chin, to her lips as she leans into me. She closes her eyes to savor the moment. She wraps her arms around my neck placing one of her hands on the back of my head welcoming my tongue into her mouth. She pulls my tongue in deeper as if she were drinking through a straw and let out a muffled moan. Hard and rigid pressed against the back of my zipper. I decided not to wear underwear she searches and feels for it with her thigh while simultaneously pressing her pussy against my leg. I can feel the heat from her pussy, the moisture is enough to soak my jeans her hips wind a little as she teases me with a little grinding I pull back on her hair and turned her around. Now I’m pressed up against her from behind. I slide my hand underneath the bottom of her tshirt. My hand climbs underneath the wire of her bra and I squeeze. I pinch her neck gently with my teeth, guiding my hand from her hair around to the front of her neck she pushes her ass into me, her body language begging me to go further......

I take her hand and lead her to my bedroom my bed extends from the corner sitting centered in the room I silently point to where I’d like her to sit. I pull out my phone and link it via Bluetooth to the Sonos speaker positioned on my night stand and que up a nice romantic playlist that I had crafted specifically for this type of adventure. The air rich with the aroma of lavender permeating from the oil lamp on my dresser. I again I reach my hand behind her head grabbing a fist full of her already bothered hair forcing her to look up at me meeting her deep dark brown eyes consuming her soul with my other hand I caress her cheek and with my thumb I part her lips slipping it gently inside of her mouth. She welcomes it in. I can feel the warmth of her tongue as she wraps it around my finger she pulls it in deeper. She then takes her hand and starts rubbing the surface of my jeans softly along the shaft of my dick. Her eyes open wider, longing. Eagerly she unfastens my belt, unbuttons my jeans and pulls down my zipper. I pull her to her knees on the wood paneled floor maintaining the intensive eye contact not allowing her to look down. “Pull it out” I say to her. She slowly strokes it as she exposes it. I shift my stance so that my pants slide down past my knees. I remove my thumb from her mouth and place it in my own to savor her elegance. “Just the tip” I say to her. “ just the tip for now. She kisses and flicks the underside with her tongue ever so gently, teasing me while staring up at me with a soft puppy dog stare. She raise my shaft and runs her tongue all the way down and gently kisses my balls. “That tickles” I think to myself. She takes her free hand and cups them from underneath wrapping her lips around them and sucking them into her mouth and moves them around in her mouth with her tongue. She sucks them I’m more and with a “plop” releases them. I watch as she drools. She proceeds to run her tongue up the length of my shaft and slowly takes every inch of me into her throat, she gags a little and slurps up all of the spit she was about to loose. She backs off slowly and again takes all of me gradually speeding up the pace. She reaches both of her hands around and grabs my ass pulling me in deeper, faster, deeper, faster until I explode filling her throat with hot cum. She swallows it and continues to suck out every last drop as my body trembled with ecstasy.

“You want to see it again?” I asked with a smug yet satisfied grin.

New entry!!!

“It’s so quiet back there” I thought to myself. “She’s up to something.” Passes through my mind.

I walk towards the bedroom and open my door. My face gives way to A huge grin.

She found out what’s in the drawer of my nightstand.

“What are these?” She asked, her eyes filled with wonder and fear. “Those are my toys” I responded. I could tell she wanted a more detailed explanation. Her glare migrates to a one of inquisition. “Which one are you the most curious about. “ I asked. She peered into the drawer for a short period of evaluation. She reaches her hand in and pulls out a chrome hook apparatus. “Ah the hook” I say with a calm enthusiastic tone. The hook a.k.a. Anal hook about 9 inches from the eyelet in length with a 6 inch curve and a ball about an inch in diameter at the end. “What do you think it’s for” I asked. “Use your imagination and tell me what you think it is.” I instructed. “I don’t know.” She replies. “Trust me it’s better if I show you.” I say while biting my lower lip. I can tell she is uncertain. So I pull out my phone and pull up a video in pornhub to give her a little perspective. As she watches I place my hand on the small of her back. She leans into me. And crosses one leg over the other and bites her own lip while watching the girl in the video who is in the doggy style position. Hook in her ass and tethered to the collar around her neck adjusted in away that her back is forced into an arch. While the guy in the video pounds her pussy till it gushes and her body trembles orgasm after orgasm. She looks at me and says “ I’m not sure I can handle that.” “Me either.” I responded with a smirk on my face and in a challenging tone. She looks at me with a huge smile. “I didn’t know you were a freak, freak.” Oh I’m a very naughty man.” I reply. “What else peaks your interests?” She looks into the drawer and pulls out this pink latex egg shaped vibrator with a tail about 4 inches long. “What’s this?” She asked. “That’s the lush. It’s a vibrator of sorts. It’s operated by Bluetooth and I can control it from my phone.” Again I’m speaking with a grin. “Show me.” She says with wide eyes. “Strip.” I say with an authoritative voice as the smile slowly fades away from my lips. She hesitates but she Quickly undressed. “Climb onto my bed.” I instruct her further to lie back on the bed. I grab the straps and restrain her arms and legs to the bed. She’s naked and spread out sufficiently. I kiss her on her forehead, the bridge of her nose and then her lips. “It helps if you relax.” I tell her in the most assuring way possible. “When you want me to stop. The safe word is ‘lemon’.” “Repeat after me. The safe word is lemon.” “The safe word is lemon.” She’s says. I kiss her slowly alternating between firm and soft presses of my lips from her neck to her shoulder to her breast then navel and run my tongue from there to her clit. She tries to bring her knees together but can’t. I run my fingers from her ankle up her shin, her thigh and then cradled her hip with the palm of my hand. Humming to the ambiance set by the song titled “meeting in my bedroom” by Silk. As she swells I insert my middle and index finger of my right hand parting her labia gently making sure that she has loosened up. “Are you ready?” I asked quietly making sure to err on the notion of concern. She replies in the sexiest of whispers, “I think so.” I pick up the lush and power it on. It greets me with a short vibration indicating that it hasn’t lost its charge. I take my phone and sync it with the lush and place it on its lowest setting. I tease her clitoris with it for a couple moments then I slowly and gently insert it into her pussy. She resists just a little upon entry and relaxes letting it glide in and I watch as her opening tightens around the pink tail left protruding outward. I ask her if she would like for me to turn up the intensity a little. She nods giving me permission without words. So I continue I raise the vibration about 25%and watch her abs tighten as the vibration stimulates her g-spot her hands now fistfuls of the satin sheets she is lying on. Her mouth open and her eyes roll back. I slowly back away to sit in my chair as I watch her squirm with pleasure. I begin slowly increasing the intensity and watch as she thrust her pelvis upwards uncontrollably. Her moans begging for more. I lower the intensity with every intentions of sending her on an emotional roller coaster. And immediately maxed it out for about 10 seconds and back down to 25%. And back up to 100%. I leave it there and watch her try to withstand this torture by pleasure. Her body quakes and shutters, she gasps and moans “oh fuuuuck!” She exclaims. “Oh fuck, oh shit, stop, stop, please!!!” I watch her eyes as they glaze over in ecstasy. “Lemons!” She yells. I lower the intensity to 0 and walk over to her. She looks up at me. “Why didn’t you stop when I said stop?” She asked. “ because lemons is the safe word. And I had to punish you for going through my stuff.” I said while I’m tethering her from my bed. “Now go wash my sheets.” I said as I handed her a roll of quarters. “The laundromat is across the street.”

I woke up feeling less than yesterday.

Staring up at my textured ceiling unable to grasp onto a single thought. Simply because my thoughts are fleeting not lingering around long enough for me to realize they are there. I feel abandoned by my own ideas.

My creativity limited to writing about my depression. And still I find no solace no relief. The space between my eyes and the back of my skull feels hollow. I am unable to tap into my imagination. I can only visualize what I am actually seeing in front of me.

My thumb tapping on the letters forming these words from the immediate onset of despair. The multiple cracks in the display that obstruct my view.

I know where I am and I hate it here.

But there is nowhere I’d rather be. I feel like I’m dying inside and my home is my tomb. I feel like I am a ghost haunting my still living, still breathing self. I have died already. I feel as though what is left is an empty shell of a man that wanders aimlessly through tiny thoughts. Wondering why emptiness hurts and tears don’t flow.

I have cried my soul empty.

I have bled my heart dry.

I am avoiding what’s left of me.

I can’t see as far as I used to.

Faces are blurred until I get too close.

Too close is where I’m able to see the real you.

I can see what you are up to.

I can predict what you do next.

But there is a distance between us.

Making it hard to see.

And I cannot focus.

My interest is fading.

I want to be close to you but you keep walking further away.

I cannot chase you.

I cannot hunt you down and drag you back into my safe haven.

Im trailing behind you down a dark tunnel that grows longer with every step.

I can see a silhouette of what I hope is someone else standing far away in that tiny speck of light ahead of me.

Feels like I’m going backwards.

These dark cold abrasive walls tear at my flesh as it narrows and sucks me in.

My knees hurt.

My hands ache.

The floor and ceiling grow closer.

As if I am trapped and being forced into hiding in amongst the memories you long to forget.

Everything in the world I want

Is in you.

I fought for you.

I lost you.

But you are still here.

Lying in my bed next to me

Lying in my bed next to me

I gotta couple new prospects

I don’t have a clue

My mind and perception are skewed on what’s ok and what’s not.

Am I wrong for wanting to venture out and find smiles and admiration.

A friend or two would be nice to have

Someone to smoke with and have conversations with other than you.

You have your affairs and spread your thighs for attention.

You blame it on daddy issues.

As if it justifies the continuation of your action

Does it?

Really ?

Should I care though?

It only pains me to witness the fallout you endure.

But it really isn’t me you’re hurting it’s you.

I just feel for you.

But I’m tired.

I’m at the point where I know you are hurting and I do still love you so.

But I’m asking myself .

Should I care?

Screwdriver

Receipt

Anti depression medication

A dirty table with a half eaten Twix resting in spilled Coca Cola.

Walls yellow from nicotine.

My cage

Carefully stepping over and on the clutter that crowds the floor space

Half eaten snacks under my pillow

Stains from chocolate on my pillow case

Unfinished clips from blunts rolled

Rest on the tops or half empty pop cans

I spark one up

Fuck It!!

Is it over yet?

Draping my blanket over my head. The sun glowing through the red fabric it’s made from. Mother Nature looks so happy outside. The splendor of warm rays caressing the leaves of trees gently blowing in the wind. I burn with envy. Cold chills of loneliness undress me and strip me to the bone, my teeth chatter and click like I’m freezing from the inside. Growing distant and colder. Imagining my blanket as a dark cavern. I have found a corner to piss in. This is where I sleep. Bitter.

We have a couch in our bedroom.

This is where I’ll sleep tonight.

Staring longingly across the room trying to respect the fact that haven’t slept in almost two days. I crave you. I crave for your body to be pressed against mine with passion.

It’s been along time since you asked for it.

So I assume you aren’t interested. Maybe you have grown tired of my desire and want this desire from someone new. Maybe.

How does it work that my mind can not stand still until yours does. Why is it you let me hang in the throws or your indecisiveness. One day I’ll walk away and be gone. You’ll call and text and I won’t answer. You are wasting your time choosing what you want.

Elbows on the table covering my mouth as you speak. Tongue held in contempt. I don’t want to release any brash comment regarding your threats to leave me. Leave bitch!!! Go!!! I care and I don’t. More to come......