Abandonment
Is he going to message me today? I stare at my instant messenger, hoping he respond to my many messages and memes. Will he finally give me the acknowledgement I need? Even if he just says hi I still get that rush, that feeling of being necessary, that feeling of being wanted.
Who is he spending his time with? Who is keeping him from messaging me? I free fall into my feelings of abandonment. There is no trampoline at the bottom. I fall into my heart, feeling like a waste of time. Will anyone ever want to talk to me? Will anyone ever want to waste their time on me?
Why won’t he talk to me? Should I call? If I call I will seem needy. I am though. I am in need of attention, in need of someone telling me I am okay. Just a simple
acknowledgement of a conversation with me makes me feel like I am worth something.
Why won’t he acknowledge me? Why doesn’t he care?
I know why--because we are nothing. I mean nothing to him. I am not as important as his latest girlfriend or whatever person he is with. But it is okay. We aren’t anything.
I am nothing and I am all alone.
Thoughts.
The thoughts start to swirl. I look to my left and I turn to my right but I can’t move. I am stuck in my own mind again, hearing the same words over and over. Oh the self hatred. Oh the constant questions. “Will I get better? When will I get better? Will I ever get better? When will this be over?”
I am in another mood again.
I hate my inability to change myself quickly. I hate it because it prevents me from making progress. Why can’t I snap my fingers and lose 100 pounds? Why can’t I just drink a potion that will give me self-esteem? Why do I need to take medicine to make me not want to throw a toaster in my next bath?
I get stuck in my thoughts. I am losing Hope. If I ever have a daughter (as if I am worthy of reproducing anyway even as my child birthing years die with every New Year’s Eve) I will name her Hope because then I can always say “I have Hope!” and never lose her or the feeling. But alas, I am a waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of a person.
“It’s not good to hate yourself,” everyone tells me. I know this. I tell the kids to love themselves. I am a hypocrite. I need to change this...but my personal development changes as fast as a snail.